Trio - Mature Audiences Only!

The following is an adult sex story, and a rather graphic one at that. Please bear this in mind.

Standing completely nude, Beverly nervously smiled at him. "I want to try it," she said.

Lyle could barely believe what was happening. "You want to… are you sure?"

"Yeah” she replied, more authority in her voice now that she’d overcome her initial shyness. “I want your sausage in my bun."

Smiling at her childish choice of words, Lyle looked at her and realized she meant it. Had it not been for the equally naked Holly standing to one side, he would have leapt at the girl in front of him, but since that wasn’t the case, he turned and looked at her. Despite the puzzled expression on her face, she nodded, giving him permission to go ahead.

"All right then," he said, grabbing her in a bear-hug and moving to the bed. Carefully he clambered on and laid down, still carrying Beverly in front of him until she got the idea and adjusted herself into a straddling position. His penis, harder then it’d ever been before, was nestled somewhere in between her legs and he felt the shaft rubbing against the short strands of hair she had while the tip was just touching the lips.

He felt so good like this he would have been happy to just leave things like this, but Beverly had other ideas, lifting herself slightly and reaching her hand down to move his dick until it was pointing up, then slowly lowering herself down and letting his hard cock slide in-between her lips.

Both of them gasped as he gradually penetrated her until, when his dick was almost an inch inside her, she stopped the slow descent, leaving him waiting a few agonizing seconds, and then plunged herself straight down, taking his entire shaft inside her tiny body.

Lyle groaned in pleasure. He’d never felt anything this good before – certainly nothing anywhere near as tight – and yet there he was, with a gorgeous girl sitting on top of him, his dick shoved all the way inside her body and her face frozen in a soundless gasp of pleasure. It was almost like a dream.

Waiting until Beverly was ready to move, Lyle looked over at Holly. She was watching in awe as her friend was slowly coming down from the initial feeling of being penetrated so deeply. Having moved right next to the bed she’d seen the entire thing up close, and turned to look at Beverly, her eyes wide with expectation.

“Oh God Holly,” Beverly said in short gasps, “it feels SO good.”

Remembering the videos online she’d found that had gotten her interested in the idea in the first place, Beverly placed both her hands on Lyle’s chest, leaned forward slightly and lifted herself up slightly, allowing Lyle’s cock to start sliding out of her.

The pair of them groaned again, the pleasure almost indescribable. With Holly continuing to watch, Beverly let Lyle’s dick pull almost entirely out of her, and when she felt the tip just reaching the edge, she let herself fall back down, taking the entire thing inside her once again.

Lyle moaned in approval as Beverly once again said nothing, her face frozen in an expression of pure pleasure. She’d put a few things inside of her before, but nothing this big… or good. She managed to look down at Lyle and smile, and he in return placed both his hands on her hips and started to lift her up.

She took the hint and used her hands to help lift herself back up of his dick, but before she could let herself back down Lyle lifted his hips upward and shoved himself into her. She gasped in surprise as he did so, before moaning in pleasure as he let himself drop back out of her. Before she knew what was happening, she’d dropped back down onto his cock once again, eliciting another moan from her.

Holly continued watching in awe as the two lovers started to strike up an up-and-down rhythm. She’d never seen Holly look like this before, an expression of sheer joy on her face as she uttered short moans of exertion. She knew now, more than ever, that she wanted to feel the same way, and spurred on by the couple’s actions, she reached down and touched her own now-tingling privates, sending small shockwaves of pleasure through her whole body as she did so.

As Holly started playing with herself, both Beverly and Lyle looked over and watched while they continued to screw each other. Lyle’s thrusts had started getting faster as the two had gotten more in-sync with each other, and as they watched Holly rub herself the thrusts got faster and faster until Beverly felt a surge of pleasure starting to build. She looked back at Lyle. “Oh God, something’s happening” she gasped as she continued to ride him.

“I know,” Lyle said, also feeling an orgasm coming fast. Determined to make her peak first, he moved one of his hands from Beverly’s hip over to where they were connected and as they continued to thrust into each other, he slowly started to rub the top of her lips.

The effect this had on Beverly was almost instantaneous. She moaned loudly as she felt a huge surge of pleasure and as Lyle continued to rub her she kept on moaning louder and louder as her orgasm approached. “Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!” she moaned over and over as the pleasure built and built until finally it overwhelmed her and she yelled out one final scream of “OH Gooooooood!” as she came.

Both Lyle and Holly stopped what they were doing and watched as Beverly let her first real orgasm overcome her, leaning back and gasping for air as her every fibre was flooded with pleasure.

As the effect caused Beverly’s insides to tighten, the pleasure became too much for Lyle to bear and with a mighty groan he too succumbed to the orgasm he’d been fighting off, and he squeezed Beverly’s body with his hands as he thrust upward one last time, his cock squeezing spurt after spurt of sperm into the tightest place he’d ever had the pleasure of filling.

Beverly cooed with pleasure as she felt the surges inside her, each one bringing with it an extra little jolt of pleasure, the perfect way to end such an incredible experience. Utterly drained, she collapsed forward onto Lyle’s chest, and he wrapped his arms around her, cementing the new relationship the two had forged.

My Legend of Zelda Timeline

When I was younger, I wanted to play through all the Zelda games in order. Unfortunately, the only official Zelda timeline doesn't really allow for this, what with the split timeline thing and all. So I wrote my own timeline, placing all the games in one nice neat line ready to play through in some sort of order.

This was written years ago, so Twilight Princess, Phantom Hourglass. Spirit Tracks and Skyward Sword aren't included. The DS games can be placed after Wind Waker and SS goes at the beginning of the timeline, but TP... that's a tricky one. Possibly after the two Oracle games?

Anyway, here's what I did. I might update this at some point (if I can be bothered).


According to legend, at the beginning of time the golden goddesses Din, Nayru and Farore create the world of Hyrule and all the life forms in it. Before departing for the heavens, they leave behind their gift to the world: the Triforce, three golden triangles that can grant their holder's greatest wish. A Golden Land begins to flourish around the Triforce's hiding-place, and the Triforce beckons to people from the outside world, in hopes of finding somebody worthy of its power.

The Hylia, the chosen people of the goddesses, settle in various parts of the world, passing on their knowledge and magical lore to many people. 1000 years after the goddesses visit, the kingdom of Hyrule is founded in the small land south of Death Mountain. The Triforce is possibly used by these ancient people.

Over time, great sages, including Rauru, the Sage of Light, realize that the Triforce poses a hazard if it falls into the wrong hands. They hide the Triforce in the Golden Land, and seal the entrance. The Triforce now rests in the Temple of Light in the middle of the Sacred Realm, and the entrance to the Sacred Realm is sealed by the Master Sword, which rests in the Temple of Time in the kingdom of Hyrule. After this has been done, the sages begin compiling the Book of Mudora, which chronicles all the legends and myths in Hyrule. It is finally completed almost 1000 years later.

By this time, after being so preoccupied with the Book of Mundora, not even the Sages know where the Triforce is hidden. Lust for the Triforce's power is strong, and the people of Hyrule, suspicious that one group or another is hiding the Triforce, attack each other. Hyrule is engulfed by a fierce civil war.

The very first Link and Zelda are born in Hyrule. To escape the fires of the war, Link's mother takes him to the forbidden forest, where she dies from injuries sustained while fleeing. Following her dying wish, the Great Deku Tree takes him in, and he is raised a Kokiri.

After many years, the King of Hyrule manages to cease the fighting, and a time of peace takes effect as the King attempts to unite Hyrule. Ganondorf, the King of the Gerudo thieves, secretly continues to search for the Triforce.

Events of Ocarina of Time - Link, now a young boy, leaves the Kokiri Forest on a quest to stop Ganondorf's plot to enter the Sacred Realm. Link opens the entrance to the Sacred Realm by drawing the Master Sword, but his spirit is sealed away for seven years until he is old enough to be the Hero of Time. Meanwhile, Ganondorf and his band of thieves enter the Sacred Realm. Ganondorf gains the Triforce of Power, and uses it to become Mandrag Ganon, King of the Enchanted Thieves. The Triforce of Wisdom goes to Princess Zelda, and the Triforce of Courage goes to Link. As Ganon builds his power, Hyrule is consumed by a great darkness.

While Link sleeps, Ganon takes the opportunity to conquer Hyrule and set himself up as the Evil King of Hyrule. Upon awakening seven years later, Link claims his birthright as the Hero of Time. Freeing the Sages, he defeats Ganondorf. Ganondorf transforms into Ganon, but Link holds Ganon off long enough for the Sages to seal him in the Sacred Realm. Zelda sends Link back in time, hoping to alter the timeline and prevent Ganondorf's rule.

Having travelled back to the point where he first meets Zelda, Link warns her of Ganon's intentions and sucessfully prevents him from entering the Sacred Realm and gaining the Triforce. Having saved Hyrule, Link departs to find his beloved friend Navi, taking the Triforce of Courage with him and leaving the Triforce of Wisdom with Zelda. When he leaves Hyrule, the Triforce of Courage splits apart and is scattered all over Hyrule. It is hidden carefully away in numberous treasure chests.

Events of Majora's Mask - In the midst of his journey, Link encounters a skull-mask wearing child, and after losing his Ocarina to the child, chases him into the parallel world of Termina. He discovers that the moon is going to crash into the world in three days time, but after recovering the Ocarina of Time, Link finds that he can jump back to the point of time when he first appeared in Termina. Using this ability, he saves Termina from the moon and from the power of Majora's Mask, the entity that the child who stole his Ocarina was wearing. After this, Link continues on his search for Navi.

While Link is away, the King of Hyrule orders the tainted Golden Land sealed, but Ganon's army attacks the castle. As the Knights defend the Sages from Ganon's monsters, the Seven Sages seal Ganon inside the Golden Land. This battle comes to be known as the Imprisoning War in later centuries.

During this new period of peace, another great evil by the name of Vaati besieged the land of Hyrule. Vaati could bend the wind to his will and used this to kidnap any beautiful girls who caught his fancy. Many knights from the castle and other brave men set out to subdue the sorcerer and rescue the girls, but each one fell in turn to Vaati's awesome power. Just when all hope was lost, a lone young boy, travelling with little but a sword at his side, given to him by the mystical race called the Picori, appeared and mystically trapped the evil sorcerer inside the blade of his sword. The people were so grateful to the young boy and the Picori who empowered him that they began to hold a great festival in their honour once a year. However, as time passed, the Picori soon became nothing more then a legend.

Events of Four Swords Adventures - Hundereds of years later, the current Princess Zelda of Hyrule, along with her great companion Link, were out playing in the woods when they stumbled upon a holy shrine. Inside they found the sword which contained Vaati and, not knowing the danger of their actions, released him. Vaati, enraged at being caged for so long, kidnapped the Princess and sealed Link inside the shrine. A mysterious voice appeared and promted Link to take hold of the sword. Upon doing so, his body shattered into four pieces, each forming a complete copy of him. With this, the four Links reopened the shrine and rescued Princess Zelda, defeating Vaati once again. Once the task was completed, the four Links returned to one, and he replaced the sword in the shrine.

Events of The Minish Cap - Several years passed, and the time came for the yearly celebration of the Picori. This year, however, was different, for it was rumored that 'just once in every one hundered years, a secret door opens and the Picori come to visit', and this was the hundered year celebration. To commemorate the occasion, a sword-fighting tournament was held, and the champion was a man who used the name of Vaati, believing it to empower him after Zelda's ordeal. Although he defeats his challengers with ease, not a single person knows the shadowy figure. As Link races to deliver Vaati with with his prize - a sword - Vaati casts a vast spell upon the castle and turns everyone within to stone.

Somehow, Link avoids sharing this fate, and vows to restore Princess Zelda and the others to normal. Revisiting the shrine to reclaim the mysterious sword, he also meets a talking hat by the name of Ezlo. Ezlo grants Link the power to shrink in size, which allows Link to meet the Picori, where he discovers that Vaati is in fact a wayward Picori. Using this knowledge, Link is able to defeat Vaati and restore the castle to normal.
Hundereds of years pass, and Ganon's power is returned to him. He kills the descendants of the seven sages, allowing him to escape from the Dark World back into Hyrule. He covers Hyrule with darkness, and kills the sages who were giving the Master Sword its power. Ganon builds a tower and an army in preparation to take over Hyrule. The people wait for the Hero of Time to return, but he never does.

Ganon's army attacks Hyrule Castle. In their last desperate hour, the people of Hyrule pray to the gods. The gods decide to bury Hyrule under torrential rains. The people of Hyrule are ordered to take refuge on mountaintops. The Master Sword forms a seal freezing Hyrule in time, and keeping Ganon's power sealed away. Hyrule, along with the doorway to the Picori, is buried at the bottom of the ocean, and life begins anew on islands formed from Hyrule's mountaintops. A piece of the Triforce of Wisdom is given to the descendants of the Royal Family, and they are charged with guarding it. The King remains below, waiting for a day when Hyrule can be revived, charged with finding a hero in case Ganon is revived.

On Outset Island, Link, a boy unrelated to the Hero of Time is born. A girl is also born to a great female pirate captain, and is named Tetra. 10 years later, Ganon is revived once again, and is able to make a portal leading to the surface world. Taking over the Forsaken Fortress, he sends his servants over the ocean in search of the missing pieces of the Triforce.

Events of The Wind Waker - Link celebrates his coming-of-age, but his younger sister Aryll is kidnapped by one of Ganondorf's servants, confusing her for Tetra. Asking for help from Tetra's pirates, Link tries to invade the Forsaken Fortress, but is thrown from the tower. A mysterious boat rescues him, and leads him on a quest to get the Master Sword, the only blade that can defeat Ganon. After collecting three pearls, and passing the test of the gods, a portal appears, leading to the frozen world of Hyrule beneath the waves. Link takes the Master Sword from Hyrule Castle, but this releases the seal, unfreezing Hyrule and releasing Ganon's full power. Link saves his sister with the help of the pirates, but the Master Sword has no effect on Ganondorf. Tetra, the young female captain of the pirates, and Link are rescued and taken to Hyrule. There, the King of Hyrule reveals that Tetra is actually Princess Zelda, and gives her the rest of the Triforce of Wisdom. The King was the guiding force behind the boat. He leads Link on a quest to return the power of evil's bane to the Master Sword, and to find the hidden Triforce of Courage shards.

Armed with these weapons, Link arrives back in Hyrule to discover that Zelda has been kidnapped. Breaking Ganon's barrier around Hyrule Castle, he climbs Ganon's Tower. At the top, Ganondorf is able to steal the other two pieces of the Triforce from Link and Zelda. But before he can touch the united Triforce, the King touches it and wishes for Hyrule to be buried under the waves for good. Link and Zelda defeat Ganondorf, turning him to stone when Link sticks the Master Sword in his head. But Hyrule is buried under water, and Link and Tetra must now find a new land to call Hyrule.

All does not end well, however. After a great deal of time, Ganon is revived. Since the Triforce was buried with Hyrule, Ganon finds all the pieces and claims them for himself. But he is sealed away in the Dark World when seven new sages are found. Several years after a new Link and Zelda are born, many disasters suddenly plague the new Hyrule.

Events of A Link To The Past - Agahnim appears in Hyrule, stops the disasters, and is made one of the King's top advisors. He secretly overthrows the King, and begins sending the descendants of the Sages into the Dark World, in a plot to free Ganon. Zelda contacts Link, the Legendary Hero, telepathically. Link fights Agahnim, but Agahnim is able to break the Seven Sages' Seal. Link goes on to save all of the maidens from the Dark World. He completely destroys Ganon, and claims the united Triforce. Link uses the Triforce to do much good.

Events of Link's Awakening - The people of Hyrule fear what evils may arise from Ganon's ashes. Ever diligent, Link leaves on a journey of enlightenment, that he might better protect Hyrule. After several months, Link's journey now complete, he begins sailing back to Hyrule. However, a sudden squall destroys his ship, and Link drifts to the island of Koholint. There he defeats Nightmares to gather together eight Instruments and wake the Wind Fish. Koholint Island disappears, and Link is left once again with the flotsam of his ship. He drifts back to Hyrule, and the united Triforce is placed in the Hyrule Castle. As it rests, it watches over Hyrule.

Centuries later, Twinrova masterminds a plot to revive Ganon. By sending Onox to Holodrum and Veran to Labrynna, she plans to light the three flames of Sorrow, Destruction, and Despair. This would bring Ganon's spirit back from the beyond, and then Princess Zelda's body would be used to revive Ganon.

Events of Oracle Of Sages and Oracle Of Ages - The Triforce sends the generation's Link on a mission to Holodrum. There, Link is able to defeat Onox, saving Din, the Oracle of Seasons, but nonetheless the Flame of Destruction is lit. After the Triforce sends Link to Labrynna, he prevents Veran from destroying the land, but cannot prevent the Flames of Sorrow and Despair from being lit. Princess Zelda travels alone to Labrynna to help Link. Twinrova kidnaps her, planning to use her pure body to revive Ganon. Link rescues Zelda by defeating Twinrova, but Twinrova sacrifices herself to revive the Evil King. Link defeats Ganon, but Ganon is not banished from the world. After Ganon's defeat, the King of Hyrule uses the Triforce to keep the peace and unite Hyrule.

Before he dies, he hides the Triforce of Courage, and seals it away with a complex magical key. After his death, his son inherits only part of the Triforce. An evil wizard, working with the prince, puts the prince's younger sister, named Zelda, to sleep for refusing to tell them where the rest of the Triforce is. The wizard dies casting this spell, and nobody can wake up Zelda. The prince decrees that every princess in the royal line from then on shall be named Zelda, so this tragedy would not be forgotten.
Many years pass, and Ganon's ashes wake up from their slumber. The world is thrown into an Age of Chaos. Ganon sets himself up as Prince of Darkness, and begins building an army of monsters. At this time, a new Link and Zelda are born.

Events of The Legend Of Zelda - Ganon's army invades Hyrule and steals the Triforce of Power. The current Zelda splits the Triforce of Wisdom and hides the pieces in eight Underworld labyrinths, and Ganon kidnaps her. Impa, Zelda's nursemaid, is sent to find a brave man to fight Ganon. She is almost captured by Ganon's henchmen, but Link saves the day. Link travels through eight underworld labyrinths to reunite the Triforce of Wisdom. Entering Death Mountain and finding the Silver Arrows, he defeats Ganon and takes the Triforce of Power from his ashes.

Events of The Adventure Of Link - Though Link defeated Ganon, Hyrule does not have peace. Ganon's monsters roam the land, and Ganon's ashes can be revived if Link is sacrificed, and his blood sprinkled on the ashes. Link approaches his 16th birthday, and one day the Triforce symbol appears on his hand. Concerned, he goes to see Impa, who tells him about the ancient Princess Zelda, who is still under the sleeping spell. Link recovers the Triforce of Courage from the Great Palace in the Valley of Death, and with the united Triforce awakens Zelda from her ancient sleeping spell, finally bringing peace to Hyrule.


So that's Ocarina Of Time, Majora's Mask, Four Swords (All incarnations), The Minish Cap, The Wind Waker, A Link To The Past, Link's Awakening, Oracle Of Sages, Oracle Of Ages, The (original) Legend Of Zelda and Link's Adventure if you want to give it a play. Have fun, and if possible play the Neverwinter Nights versions of the last two - it's a bit more fun and a LOT prettier. The Legend Of Zelda and Link's Adventure. Note that the latter is not yet finished, but probably will be by the time you finish all the others! Also, if you decide to play, you'll probably want this character, and don't forget to check out the notes at the bottom of the page. Thanks to Neverwinter Vault (not linked - it's already got three of the damn things) for those files, and trust me - they're great fun! Also, if you finish every single game and still want more, check out Zelda Classic for another remake of the original Zelda with support for hundereds of fan quests.

Ratchet & Clank 2 (Written Review)

Another written review, this time of the second Ratchet & Clank game. I'm having a hard time playing through this one, mostly because the game glitched out during my first run through challenge mode forcing me to start over if I wanted those sweet sweet trophies. Gah. Ah well, the review was already written, so I won't let it taint my opinion. Much.

While the first Ratchet and Clank title was well received, it wasn’t a perfect game. One of the biggest criticisms levelled at it was the lead character, who seemed too much like a teenager. Which is ironic, since he actually was a teenager. But there were other flaws as well, and so, when it came to making a sequel, Insomniac took all of those remarks to heart and made a game that dealt with nearly all of them.

Plot-wise, not much at all has been happening for Ratchet and Clank. Nearly a year after their previous adventure though, they’re suddenly plucked from their humdrum life and given a whole new galaxy to save, courtesy of the CEO of MegaCorp, Mr Fizzwidget. Their task is to recover a Protopet, a dangerous prototype stolen from MegaCorp that could cause untold damage if not recovered. But neither the Protopet nor the thief are what they seem…

Despite a strong start, the story quickly unravels and ends up a complete mess. Though the title characters have evolved and become more mature, the overall plot and the twists contained within make little sense, and it’s obvious that one character in particular was forced into the story at the last minute. As a result, the plot jumps all over the place and it’s impossible to take seriously.

Fortunately, the humour that was evident in the first game is back with a vengeance, covering up a lot of the plot’s failings. From the title screen, with Ratchet actually playing his new and old adventures (and a little Jak and Daxter as well), through to the random but brilliant reappearance of the Plumber, the game builds upon the slightly silly style of the first game and develops it into full-blown self-parody, with even the lead characters making fun of the clichés that crop up.

Also vastly improved are the controls, which, as well as being significantly tightened, make use of an all-new strafing system. Though the first game did have something similar, it was rudimentary, awkward to use and almost seemed like an afterthought. Here, it’s been much better implemented, and it quickly becomes essential.

By holding down either L2 or R2, you can move left and right along a straight line, jumping and shooting as you do so. This makes the game feel much more refined, taking a step away from being a platformer with shooting bits added to it. It now feels like a proper action title, with all the benefits that brings, such as full-on combat arenas, where skilled players can earn plenty of money.

Speaking of which, the weapons have received an upgrade as well, with an even more inspired selection of death-dealing devices to choose from. The Mini-Nuke Launcher, Lava Gun and Black Sheepinator are some of the more memorable tools you’ll use to destroy everything in your path, though you’ll also encounter some of the more entertaining guns from the previous game as well.

Another major improvement made is that of health and weapon upgrades. Each time you kill an enemy, the weapon you killed them with will gain experience, as will you. Once a weapon accumulates enough XP, it upgrades into a more powerful version of itself, and when you reach a similar level, your maximum health will increase.

While this ability does add a certain amount of tactical leeway to the game, it is somewhat hampered by the fact that weapons and armour are incredibly expensive to purchase, forcing you to grind for ages if you want them all, and that they only level up the once, or twice if you count the additional upgraded versions available in the returning New Game + styled ‘Challenge Mode’.

As in the first game, Challenge Mode lets you restart the game from the beginning with all your guns and money. But while there was very little else to make you want to do so in the original game, making use of the mode in Going Commando provides players with an actual challenge. The enemies are tougher, there are additional weapon upgrades and there’s a bolt multiplier, which increases when you kill enemies without taking damage. The higher the multiplier, the more money you get. It’s a great way to really add replayability to the game.

The Skill Points return as well, although this time they’re much more forgiving - you may end up gaining some without even realizing it. There’s other collectables as well, including some very well hidden health upgrades and Platinum Bolts, but if you’re a dedicated explorer, then chances are you’ll stumble across most of these as well.

Overall, Going Commando does almost everything a good sequel should. With the exception of the absurd plot and the ludicrous prices of items, it’s a drastic improvement upon the original game, and the additions do nothing but improve the game further still.

Recommendation: Ratchet & Clank: Going Commando is a great game, and thanks to the strafing system, is a huge amount of fun to play. Almost all the improvements made from the original title have been for the better, and if you get the chance to pick it up cheap, I recommend that you do so.

Bottom Line: If you can ignore the silly plot, there’s a lot to like. Not the best of the PS2 Ratchet and Clank titles, but it’s certainly entertaining nonetheless.

Madisun's Arc - 17 - Top 8 Worst Movie Sequels

Because who doesn't love sequels?

Ratchet & Clank (Written Review)

A written review of the first Ratchet & Clank game, which I wrote a couple of years ago (if I recall correctly). I did it in the same style as my review of Ben There, Dan That!, hence the Recommendation and Bottom Line at the end of it. I've made a few very minor tweaks to it, but otherwise this is exactly what I wrote back then. Enjoy!


Back in the days of the original Playstation, a small company in Burbank, California made a name for themselves with a series of cutesy 3D platformers featuring a purple dragon called Spyro. After three of these game though, the developers decided that they wanted to make something more complex and mature. So, breaking ties with their publisher, they started a new series based on the premise of letting players “blow s*** up”.

That company was Insomniac Games, and their new series was Ratchet & Clank.

The first game in the now double-digit sized series starts off with a malformed robot being created by an automated machine. The little guy sees something he shouldn’t, and runs away with this knowledge. During the ensuing chase, he crash lands his ship on the home planet of Ratchet, a human/cat-like thing who dreams of escaping his backwater home and exploring the universe. Naming the robot Clank, the two blast off and travel to various worlds in an attempt to stop an insane businessman from destroying the universe.

While the plot may be a little clichéd, the game’s sense of self-parody makes it seem otherwise. Pretty much everything, from the weapons to the characters, is treated with an almost childish sense of humour, and even the plot twist that takes place halfway through the game is handled in a rather light-hearted manner. The tone of the game is one of its major strengths.

Another highlight is how impressive the game looks, even by modern standards. The lead characters are exceptionally well-rendered (with a few high-resolution textures excepted), the bad guys are very distinct & individual and the different worlds all feel fully lived in. The levels really make use of the 3D revolution, with even the backgrounds in the distance being fully modelled. Coupled with the layouts, the numerous planets all feel exceptionally well designed, and there’s no shortage of things to destroy as you make your way through them.

This leads nicely onto the best part of the game - the huge variety of weapons. You start off with your melee wrench and a glove that throws gloves, but before long you’re able to buy a decoy device, a rocket launcher with projectiles you can actually pilot, a morph-o-ray that turns enemies into chickens and the cunningly acronymic R.Y.N.O. While several of these weapons have since been copied in other games, they still remain great fun to use.

The majority of the game consists of, literally, running around and blowing up anything that moves. There’s a good helping of platforming action, both as Ratchet and Clank, and additional sidequests in the form of hoverboard races and ship-to-ship battles, but in the end it all boils down to running around, avoiding enemy projectiles and filling the bad guys full of so much lead that they blow up in a shower of bolts, which you collect with a satisfying metallic jangling sound.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course. It’s all done to a fairly professional shine, and the sheer variety of weapons means that if the game feels a little repetitive, you can just switch to a short-range weapon and engage the enemies up close and personal. Unfortunately, while the core gameplay works well, when you actually play it, you’ll find it isn’t as refined as it could be.

You’ll spend most of your time controlling Ratchet, and compared to other 3D platformers, he feels a little stiff. His movement speed is quite slow, and while he has a wide range of skills, they all feel a little awkward to pull off, which means that the platforming aspect of the game can be more of a challenge then it should be.

In combat, the core of the game, there are problems as well. The lock-on system has trouble staying locked on to enemies while you’re moving, meaning that you’ll have to constantly stop and aim at an enemy, which can be frustrating in the middle of a fire-fight. And since the camera can have trouble keeping up with you, occasionally you’ll find yourself having to shoot at enemies you can’t see.

There are also other sections of the game, such as the swimming or wall-walking areas, where the developer’s inexperience with a two-legged main character really does show. Such sections slow the games pace down to a crawl, and as you can’t really defend yourself while engaging in such activities, players will undoubtedly find themselves dying several times until they figure out how to compensate for the problems.

On the other hand, the game does have an excellent way of ensuring that players keep playing it with the addition of a New Game + system. By allowing gamers to restart the adventure while keeping all the weapons and money they’d collected in their first playthrough, players are given a helping hand to track down all the hidden bonuses that are locked away. Whether it’s hidden collectables or unlockable skill points (essentially a precursor to modern day achievements/trophies), there’s a lot of bonus content for players to find.

As the first game in a series that’s been going for ten years, it’s easy to look back at the original Ratchet & Clank and criticize it for not having the same basic features that its sequels do, like strafing or weapon upgrading. But if you take the game on its own merits, then there’s still an awful lot to like.

Recommendation: Ratchet and Clank isn’t a bad game, by any means. It’s just that everything it does is done better by its sequels. As such, it’s hard to recommend to anyone but hardcore fans of the series who want to see how it all started, and people new to the series who won’t have any pre-conceived notions.

Bottom Line: If you’ve played any of the other games in the series, this will seem like a massive step back. If not though, this is as good a place to start as any.

Chris Marsden has a strange craving for fried chicken.

Lego Batman 2 (Written Review)

Since my latest video review is taking so long to put together, here's a written review I did of Lego Batman 2... done after a marathon of JonTron videos. You have been warned.


So last month Travellers Tales decided to bestow upon the world their latest squeezings of the Lego cow, Lego Batman 2: DC Superheroes, and I, like the procrastinating douche that I am, felt it my patriotic duty as a citizen of BritainLand to play it. And so, one week later, I emerge, blinking, dazed and confused, into the real world with a crazing for originality, lightness of tone and ice cream. Then again, that is my usual reaction to sunlight (especially this year, bloody weather), so what do I know.

Lib 2: Dics, or Lego World's Finest as it should really be called (TO GOOGLE!) is the 10th Lego game to come out in 9 years, and if you've played any one of them, then congratulations! You don't need to play this one because it's almost the same, just way, way darker. Like SUPER dark. Hawkman dark. See, it's funny 'cause he's black.

Gameplay is boring. No, really. It's boring. You run around, find something made of Lego, and then you SMASH IT. You SMASH IT and then you SMASH IT AGAIN and then you KEEP SMASHING IT until there's nothing left, and then you find something else to SMASH. And if, like an idiot, you've played all the other Lego games, then you'll probably have trouble staying awake as you keep... smashing... stuff... zzz...

Wah! New stuff! Yeah, there's new stuff! Every new Lego game has to have new stuff, or it gets called 'tired' and 'unoriginal' and doesn't sell. And the new stuff in this one is flying! Yeah, Superman! The most boring superhero EVER. He can do everything! He can fly, he can make lazzzzzzzzers, he can breath ice, he has x-ray vision, he's super strong, he can...

...wait, x-ray vision?


...great success!

Wait, what were we talking about? Right, game. Boring. Yeah, I remember now. I suppose I should talk about the story. So, you're [Gravelly Voice] Batman [/Gravelly Voice] and you're just cruisin' with Robin doing totally not gay things like beating up bad guys (who are all men. Again, totally not gay) when Lex Luthor breaks the Joker out of prison and blows up the Batcave 'cause... well, they're EVIL. It's kinda what they do, yaknowwhatimsayin? And then Supes shows up and Robin gets totally forgotten for like 10 levels, and then stuff happens, there's a giant robot ('cause there's ALWAYS a giant robot), stuff gets blown up, I think there's a presidemential race thing, and then the robot falls from the top of that map from Unreal Tournament with the really tall buildings in space, and then you win.

Or something. I wasn't really paying attention 'cause all the voices were distracting me. And not the ones in my head this time. NO I WILL NOT SET THAT BUILDING ON FIRE. It's a nice building. Doesn't wanna be lit on fire. Yeah, well, you've got big ears.

No, the voices in the game. There's voices in the game now! And they're WEIRD. Not bad weird, cause they got good voices. At least I think they do, most people only get like 2 lines. I mean weird in like THEY DIDN'T HAVE VOICES BEFORE AND IT'S WEIRD THEY DO NOW. See, you remember the first Lego Batman that you should totally play over this one 'cause it's way better? Yeah, NO VOICES! Like, AT ALL! And now everyone's like "Blah Blah Blah Hate That Guy". It's WEIRD!

But at least it's not boring. Like the hub. Oh GOD, the hub. You remember how in previous Lego games you had a nice little hub connecting all the levels? Do you? DO YOU? Well, sod that! Here you get a great big city to play with! And guess what? No really, guess. Go on. Guess. You'll never get it.


See, the thing about cities is that they're HUGE, like, SUPER big (ha, I did it again, go me), and there's so much stuff spaced around this really big city. There's like 180 things to find. And it's so BORING, cause that's literally ALL THERE IS TO DO in this city. See, let's go to Saints Row 2. LET'S GO TO SAINTS ROW 2, cause that had a great big city too, right, and Saints Row is TOTALLY the same as Lego Superstar Tag-Team Wrestling. But Stillwater? Was it called Stillwater? I dunno, name's not important, but it had STUFF in it. You could do STUFF. You could go streaking. You could fling poo on people's house. You could pretend to injure yourself for fun and profit. There's was SO MUCH STUFF TO DO.

In Gotham, you just find the thing. You-you find the thing. And that's it. You find the thing. 180 times. And that's it. You just... find the things. YOU FIND THE THINGS. You-that's the worst part of a sandbox! Y'know why? CAUSE IT'S BORING! And it's not even easy! 'cause there's no minimap! There's no- you gotta pause the game, go to the map on the pause menu and there's your map! And it doesn't even show the things! You gotta press a button, make it go 'DOOT-DO' and it shows the things for like 3 seconds. And then you gotta make it go 'DOOT-DO' again so you can place a marker. And then you gotta make it go 'DOOT-DO' again so you can make sure you placed it properly. And then you gotta find it using a compass. It's just... it's so bad. IT'S SO BAD.

And that's Lego Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. You find the thing, and you smash the thing. You find thing... you smash thing. FIND... SMASH. DONE! There ya go. Review's done. DONE!

Madisun's Arc - 16 - American McGee Presents Bad Day LA

Oh, how the mighty did fall.

Let's Play... Drake of the 99 Dragons (Parts I-III)

Well, I promised to share them when I did the third one, and that was about a week ago, so I guess I'd better hold up my end of the deal. Now you hold up yours.

That's right - ALL the cookies. Mwahaha!!!

Madisun's Arc - 15 - Hulk

Puny Movie.

Madisun's Arc - 14 - Demons - Episode I

Boosh! Here's an episode I made about an episode someone else made... badly.

Let's Play is still coming. Just have to adjust to my new work hours before I have the energy to do much more than look at stuff and call it stupid. Blarg.