Lego Batman 2 (Written Review)

Since my latest video review is taking so long to put together, here's a written review I did of Lego Batman 2... done after a marathon of JonTron videos. You have been warned.


So last month Travellers Tales decided to bestow upon the world their latest squeezings of the Lego cow, Lego Batman 2: DC Superheroes, and I, like the procrastinating douche that I am, felt it my patriotic duty as a citizen of BritainLand to play it. And so, one week later, I emerge, blinking, dazed and confused, into the real world with a crazing for originality, lightness of tone and ice cream. Then again, that is my usual reaction to sunlight (especially this year, bloody weather), so what do I know.

Lib 2: Dics, or Lego World's Finest as it should really be called (TO GOOGLE!) is the 10th Lego game to come out in 9 years, and if you've played any one of them, then congratulations! You don't need to play this one because it's almost the same, just way, way darker. Like SUPER dark. Hawkman dark. See, it's funny 'cause he's black.

Gameplay is boring. No, really. It's boring. You run around, find something made of Lego, and then you SMASH IT. You SMASH IT and then you SMASH IT AGAIN and then you KEEP SMASHING IT until there's nothing left, and then you find something else to SMASH. And if, like an idiot, you've played all the other Lego games, then you'll probably have trouble staying awake as you keep... smashing... stuff... zzz...

Wah! New stuff! Yeah, there's new stuff! Every new Lego game has to have new stuff, or it gets called 'tired' and 'unoriginal' and doesn't sell. And the new stuff in this one is flying! Yeah, Superman! The most boring superhero EVER. He can do everything! He can fly, he can make lazzzzzzzzers, he can breath ice, he has x-ray vision, he's super strong, he can...

...wait, x-ray vision?


...great success!

Wait, what were we talking about? Right, game. Boring. Yeah, I remember now. I suppose I should talk about the story. So, you're [Gravelly Voice] Batman [/Gravelly Voice] and you're just cruisin' with Robin doing totally not gay things like beating up bad guys (who are all men. Again, totally not gay) when Lex Luthor breaks the Joker out of prison and blows up the Batcave 'cause... well, they're EVIL. It's kinda what they do, yaknowwhatimsayin? And then Supes shows up and Robin gets totally forgotten for like 10 levels, and then stuff happens, there's a giant robot ('cause there's ALWAYS a giant robot), stuff gets blown up, I think there's a presidemential race thing, and then the robot falls from the top of that map from Unreal Tournament with the really tall buildings in space, and then you win.

Or something. I wasn't really paying attention 'cause all the voices were distracting me. And not the ones in my head this time. NO I WILL NOT SET THAT BUILDING ON FIRE. It's a nice building. Doesn't wanna be lit on fire. Yeah, well, you've got big ears.

No, the voices in the game. There's voices in the game now! And they're WEIRD. Not bad weird, cause they got good voices. At least I think they do, most people only get like 2 lines. I mean weird in like THEY DIDN'T HAVE VOICES BEFORE AND IT'S WEIRD THEY DO NOW. See, you remember the first Lego Batman that you should totally play over this one 'cause it's way better? Yeah, NO VOICES! Like, AT ALL! And now everyone's like "Blah Blah Blah Hate That Guy". It's WEIRD!

But at least it's not boring. Like the hub. Oh GOD, the hub. You remember how in previous Lego games you had a nice little hub connecting all the levels? Do you? DO YOU? Well, sod that! Here you get a great big city to play with! And guess what? No really, guess. Go on. Guess. You'll never get it.


See, the thing about cities is that they're HUGE, like, SUPER big (ha, I did it again, go me), and there's so much stuff spaced around this really big city. There's like 180 things to find. And it's so BORING, cause that's literally ALL THERE IS TO DO in this city. See, let's go to Saints Row 2. LET'S GO TO SAINTS ROW 2, cause that had a great big city too, right, and Saints Row is TOTALLY the same as Lego Superstar Tag-Team Wrestling. But Stillwater? Was it called Stillwater? I dunno, name's not important, but it had STUFF in it. You could do STUFF. You could go streaking. You could fling poo on people's house. You could pretend to injure yourself for fun and profit. There's was SO MUCH STUFF TO DO.

In Gotham, you just find the thing. You-you find the thing. And that's it. You find the thing. 180 times. And that's it. You just... find the things. YOU FIND THE THINGS. You-that's the worst part of a sandbox! Y'know why? CAUSE IT'S BORING! And it's not even easy! 'cause there's no minimap! There's no- you gotta pause the game, go to the map on the pause menu and there's your map! And it doesn't even show the things! You gotta press a button, make it go 'DOOT-DO' and it shows the things for like 3 seconds. And then you gotta make it go 'DOOT-DO' again so you can place a marker. And then you gotta make it go 'DOOT-DO' again so you can make sure you placed it properly. And then you gotta find it using a compass. It's just... it's so bad. IT'S SO BAD.

And that's Lego Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. You find the thing, and you smash the thing. You find thing... you smash thing. FIND... SMASH. DONE! There ya go. Review's done. DONE!