Confessions of a Sith Lord Rising

Review? No, PREview!

2012-01-17T15:13:00.002Z

So yeah, I made a video review. Wasn't that great, but at least I went and did it.

I also learned a bunch from it as well. Things like writing an actual script rather than just having a page of notes that say things like 'Rant about Password System'. Things like filtering out the background audio and adjusting the volume to make it somewhat listenable. Things like closing my damned curtains.

So I took all that I learned, and made this:

It's just a three minute preview of my epic 25-minute long full review, but it does show off how much better I've gotten at this sort of thing. The full review should be up in a couple of days.

Hey ma, I made a video!

2012-01-17T15:07:00.000Z

Funny story. One of my New Year's resolutions was to stop daydreaming about it and actually sit down, record, edit and put together a video review of something.

So that's exactly what I did.

Yeah, that's my very first video review. Go me! As you might imagine, this was my very first attempt at anything like this, and the inexperience shows. The audio is pretty bad, there's far too many crossfades (IE: there actually are some) and I pause an awful lot during the live-action sections.

I've learned a lot from this though, and I've implemented most of my mew education into the next review I worked on. Stay tuned for it.

Multiplayer? Not in my RPGs!

2011-11-30T17:29:00.003Z

So hey, Dragon Age 3 might be getting multiplayer.

...

NO.

I do not want multiplayer in my RPGs. I do not want multiplayer in my previously single-player series. I do not want multiplayer in my Dragon Age. Or Mass Effect. Or anything

I don't care how good it will be. It's not what the series started out as and I do not want this.

I'm fed up of single-player series suddenly shifting to make way for multiplayer that I will never play and only takes away from the single-player aspect. Call of Juarez, Crackdown, FEAR, Lost Planet, Mass Effect, (arguably) Assassin's Creed, and now Dragon Age.

DO NOT WANT.

If you have to have multiplayer, make it a spin-off title. Something that can be enjoyed on its own, but fans of the ongoing saga who don't want to play it aren't forced into to continue the story. Don't shoehorn it into an established series - all that'll do is upset fans and detract from the experience.

Now I know what a lot of people are going to say. 'But Baldur's Gate had multiplayer and it was awesome!' Well y'know what? That was an entirely different situation. You can't compare the first game in a series, in this case Baldur's Gate, to the third game in a ongoing series, Dragon Age 3, not the fact that there's 15 years difference between the two. I don't think it's hypocritical to say that the situations are completely different.

If you're making a new game (as Baldur's Gate was), there's no real pressure, except from your investors, so you can take as much time as you like and really focus on both single-player and multi-player, if that's what you want. There's no expectations from fans either, so you can make the game how you want to make it.

For the third game in a series, fans have come to expect things from it. I've no real problem with innovation, but taking what has been a massive single-player series and whacking multiplayer into it just seems like a cheap attempt to grab new fans into an established franchise, despite the fact that they'll know nothing about the plot and get bored since it's not Modern Warfare or whatever.

Also: they're already putting multiplayer into Mass Effect 3 (also for no reason). So why do they have to do it with Dragon Age as well? Could they not look at the other franchises that have tried to shift to having multiplayer and seen how it's not gone down that well?

Don't get me wrong, I love Bioware for their SINGLE-PLAYER RPGs. Few other companies make them as well or have anywhere near as much depth. I just don't think adding multiplayer to their games will make them any more epic. I think it'll detract from what they do best. And I really don't want that.

Multiplayer does not make everything better. It just forces the development team to focus more on the new multiplayer aspect then on the single-player campaign, and it falls short. And since Dragon Age 2 already did that, I don't think the franchise can take another half-baked game.

If Bioware can focus on making Dragon Age 3 a great single-player experience (and come up with a better name that just 'Dragon Age 3', that'd be nice too), then that's really all people want. And that's what Bioware should give.

Playstation Move games (Article)

2011-05-27T22:09:00.006+01:00

Another post from Kotaku. This one was prompted by the announcement that the game House of the Dead: Overkill was being ported from the Wii to the PS3, complete with 3D and Move functions.

So House of the Dead: Overkill is coming to the PSMove.

While I have absolutely no problem with Overkill coming to the PS3, is anyone else concerned about how many PSMove games are nothing more than ports of games from other consoles or simply existing PS3 games with really basic Move features thrown in?

On the ports side we now have Dead Space: Extraction, HotD:Overkill, No More Heroes, Oddworld: Stranger's Wrath (forthcoming), The Lord of the Rings: Aragorn's Quest, The Sly Collection and Time Crisis: Razing Storm.

(And yes, I'm aware Aragorn's Quest was a multiplatform release, but it was delayed to add Move functionality to the PS3 version, so I'm counting it.)

On the 'enhanced' side we have de Blob 2, Heavy Rain, Resident Evil 5, Tron Evolution and Toy Story 3, to name but a few.

Like I say, I've not much of a problem with this happening, but shouldn't the advent of the Move have been about creating games that genuinely needed the Move, like Sports games (Top Spin 4, for example), keep fit titles (like Zumba Fitness) or just fun stuff like Heroes on the Move (I refuse to call it PS Move Heroes, which is just clunky)?

If the majority of titles released that use the Move are simply going to be enhanced ports of Wii games, then why bother releasing them on the Wii in the first place? Ok, the Move wasn't announced when the games I mentioned were released, but is it really worth digging them up and converting them just for a few precious more pennies? Will they even break even?

And if you're going to enhance existing games with Move functions, do they have to be so token? Toy Story 3 was particularly bad, with one measly shooting minigame, and Tron Evolution wasn't much better with its brief Lightcycle sections... and nothing else.

Again, games that genuinely use the Move to fully enhance a game, like Sports Champions or Top Spin 4, I can fully support. They do a great job of pulling you into the game and if I could just be arsed to play them I'm sure I'd lose loads of weight, which'd be nice.

And games that are built around the system, like Heroes on the Move or Zumba Fitness, I can also support. Heroes is... well, it's entertaining enough, and it makes good use of the Move, as do the keep-fit titles.

But when a game is simply a port, that's when I get concerned. Because if you already played them on the Wii or whatever (and if you had a Wii, then you definitely did play them, because what else was there to play?), then what's the point of getting them again?

Finally, I note that a lot of the ports or upgrades don't actually need the Move. Most of them are fully playable without needing the Move at all. Which begs the question of why bother porting them if you're not going to make sure people play the game the way it was designed?

First Thoughts on Lego Pirates OT Caribbean

2011-05-04T16:49:00.003+01:00

The demo for Lego Pirates of the Caribbean came out on the XBox 360 today, and I played through it, taking notes as I did so. Here's the end result. Enjoy!

Standard Play

- Blimey, there's a lot of cutscenes. One before the title screen and one before the level even begins! What is that, five minutes before I actually get to play? Was Star Wars this long? Was Indy?
- They changed the sound for picking up studs! it sounds more like jingling coins now. More appropriate, but it just doesn't feel right!
- Is it taking longer to build things or is it just me? I think it's taking longer. I like how you can knock the pieces around the floor before building the item in question, that's kinda nice.
- Well, the combat's interesting. It's like you take turns doing a four-hit combo on each other. Hope it's not like that for every enemy, that'd get old fast.
- A CHARACTER SELECT WHEEL. Oh thank god. Six games too late, but better late than never.
- Oh, Captain Jack's run just looks silly. Also, nothing like the way he moves in the movies. They didn't even get his swagger-while-walking right.
- You can run along narrow ledges? That's a neat idea.
- Barrels! Wait, how many of those were in the movies? Oh who cares, it's fun to jump on one and roll it around the level. Wee!
- Oh good, the combat's much more straightforward on standard enemies. Guess the whole take-it-in-turns thing is for bosses and such. That works pretty well, when I think about it.
- That pirate I just rescued did a little jig as thanks. I probably shouldn't find that as entertaining as I did, but I don't care. Dance, Lego Pirate man, dance!
- Using Captain Jack's compass to go on scavenger hunts might be more fun if he moved faster with his compass out. It's a bit tedious at the moment and makes the whole exploration aspect really slow the game down.
- Will that dog drop his sodding bone already! (This really shouldn't irritate me as much as it does)
- Hey, they made the minikits little boats in glass bottles! Nice.
- Heh, Jack's wearing a seashell as a hat. That's silly.
- Ok, slight problem. If you knock all the pieces away, where do you need to stand to start building stuff? That might get a bit frustrating if you accidentally walk through a buildable object and knock half the pieces into the water, as I just did.
- Wait, you have to hold your breath while underwater now? And if you run out of air you die? That sucks! And you hardly get any time at all! I could hold my breath longer than that!
- Oh wait, you can climb in a barrel and just walk on the bottom of the ocean. I remember that from the movie.
- Wee! Sliding down ropes is fun!
- You can use your sword to activate certain switches. For some reason I find this thoroughly awesome.

Free Play

- Nice of them to include this in the demo.
- Wow, the character selection in Free Play is somewhat awkward. Lemme try to explain. Y'know that Character Select screen that normally appears before each level in the other Lego games? When you hold down the Y button, that's what appears on the bottom half of the screen. Slightly cumbersome, I think you'll agree. Still, at least you don't have to keep pressing the trigger buttons to swap characters.
- Oh, what? When you do use the trigger buttons, you can only select between the characters the level normally use and the last character selected from the great big list! Well that won't get old, will it?
- There's a wall-jumping feature now. Don't expect to use it too often though, I think it's only on certain walls.
- My god, the model for Elizabeth Swann looks wrong. It's like they couldn't think of any animations for a woman in a dress.
- Ok, so I went swimming and a shark ate me. I don't think I lost any studs though. Oh, sorry - I don't think I lost any 'treasure' though. About time they stopped punishing me for exploring.
- I never noticed til now, but the jump attack sounds really vicious. A nice big 'CLANG' when you hit something. It's great.
- Who the hell is Hadras? Is he in the new film, or did I just blink and miss him from one of the other films? Either way, I totally need to unlock him in the full game to get anywhere. Able to walk underwater, travel through mushrooms(?)... Thanks for telling me, demo!
- Oh hey, there's that shark again. Can confirm that you don't loose studs- TREASURE if he swallows you.
- The thing that normally unlocks cheats (Red Bricks, Parcels and the like) is now replaced with Captain Jack's Compass. If you find all 8 of his scavenger items, you're given the Gold Brick (and, presumably, the ability to purchase a cheat) at the end of the level.
- ...and now I know exactly how to get all the Minikits in the first level. Again, thanks, demo!

Ok, so to briefly summarise - it's a Lego game. But there's enough things different here to keep people interested. The humour is there, the level design is just as good as always and while the cutscenes seem to be overly long for a Lego game, they're just as entertaining as ever, so it's not the end of the world.

Or should I say, the World's End?

...I'll get me coat.

Update

2011-05-04T16:46:00.002+01:00

Just a quick update on the last post I made.

Turns out they are getting James McCaffrey to voice Max, they're showing Max age gradually (from his MP2 look through to his modern, bald appearance) and the plot will show how Max got from New York to... wherever the hell he is now.

Still not sure, but at least my mind has been put to rest on a few of my main problems with the game. I'm more cautiously optimistic than before, but I've yet to be convinced this is a true sequel.

The Man Formerly Known as Max Payne

2011-03-31T10:53:00.004+01:00

Another post from Kotaku. This one was kickstarted by the appearance of two new screenshots from Max Payne 3, which brought up old feelings I'd forgotten I had.

Until proven otherwise, I maintain, with every breath in my body, that this is not a Max Payne game, in much the same way that Conviction could be thought of as not being a Splinter Cell game (that's a rant for another day though).

Oh sure, it may bear the name of Max Payne, but if the gameplay is completely different (one of the developers mentioned a cover system), the plot is completely different (it's taking place in São Paulo, as opposed to New York), the lead character is completely different (Max is now fat, bald and bearded, and not voiced by James McCaffrey) and the developers are completely different (Rockstar Vienna/Vancouver as opposed to Remedy Entertainment), then it's a completely different game.

Call it a Max Payne game if you want, but that's nothing more than a lie. This is not a sequel, it's an original game in an established franchise. It's the Halloween 3 of gaming, and until Rockstar realize that Halloween 3 failed for a reason, the game is most likely doomed.

I brought up Splinter Cell Conviction earlier, and I'll bring it up again. Conviction is a Splinter Cell game in name only. The gameplay, possibly the most important thing in a game, is so radically different from the rest of the Splinter Cell series that it hardly bears any resemblance to it at all. The originals were slow paced, stealthy games. Conviction is most definitely not. I'm not saying Conviction is a bad game, but it just doesn't feel like a Splinter Cell game.

That last sentence is also my defense at other franchises where 'everything is different'. Bioshock 2, for example, had different developers and a different lead character, but because it took place in the same city (albeit areas we hadn't seen before), had some of the same characters (Little Sisters, Tenenbaum, Andrew Ryan and Fontaine, even if the last two were just through audio logs) and recreated the feel of the original game so well, it didn't matter if things were a little different. It felt like a worthy sequel.

Fallout 3 and New Vegas are another set of sequels you could say goes counter to my argument, but again, for everything that's different, there's a counterargument that says otherwise. The Fallout series has gone through several different styles (pre Fallout 3, there were the original 2 games, plus Tactics and Brotherhood of Steel), so why should a change to an FPS be any different? And despite them being a lot like Oblivion, there's enough changes and hangovers from the earlier games to make the two games feel like Fallout. The settings were well realized, the stories was appropriate and at times felt like a callback to the first games, the characters were well characterized and compelling... They really did feel like Fallout games.

The fact that something is by a different developer doesn't automatically make a new game in a franchise a bad thing, but when they change every little thing about a game, then you have cause for concern. And that's my problem with Max Payne 3. They've changed everything. That's why I don't think of it as a true Max Payne sequel, and why many others feel the same.

Maybe if Rockstar realize this and make Max look like... well, MAX, we might be more forgiving. As it stands, he just looks like someone from Kane and Lynch, which I think says it all!

Classic Achievements (Article)

2011-03-18T21:03:00.003Z

Another article from Kotaku. This one posed the question "What achievements would you like to see for classic games?", and I went a little overboard. Here's the first two I did.

Zelda: Ocarina of Time

Spider-Man
Collected all 100 Gold Skulltuta tokens

Touch of Gold
Obtained the Golden Gauntlets
(alternate name: I Keep Ma Pimp Hand Strong)

Swimming with the Fishes
Obtained the Golden Scale

You Got the Thing!
Obtained every single heart container

Bigger is Better
Got the fixed Biggeron Sword

Shot to the Heart
Scored 2,000 points in the Gerudo Valley Target Range

Full to the Brim
Collected, and filled, the largest sized Wallet

Get the Point?
Collected, and filled, the largest sized Quiver

Boom, Baby!
Collected, and filled, the largest sized Bomb Bag

Young Troublemaker
Collected, and filled, the largest sized Deku Seed Bag

It's Magic
Obtained both Deku Nut upgrades

Stick it to 'em
Obtained both Deku Stick upgrades

Practising for Later
Unlocked all 8 masks

Bean Counting
Planted all 10 Magic Beans

Earth, Wind and Fire
Obtained all 3 Magic Spells

Ghost in the Shell
Collected all 10 Ghosts

- Hidden Achievements -

Stabby Time!
Found the Kokiri Sword

Knight of the Round Table
Obtained a Hylian Shield

Engaged? To be MARRIED?
Received Zora's Sapphire

Blue is Better
Replaced Saria's Ocarina with the Ocarina of Time

Bishonen
Received the Master Sword

Phantom of the Opera
Defeated the Phantom Ganon

It Can't Rain All the Time
Learned the Song of Storms

Quit Horsing Around
Escaped with Epona

Stop! Hammer Time!
Gained the Megaton Hammer

That One Level
Entered the Water Temple

I'm Too Old for this Ship
Rode the Phantom Boat in the Shadow Temple

Boom! Head Shot!
Defeated Ganon

Prince of Persia (Classic)

So THAT'S What Happened
Watched the intro

Armed and Dangerous
Found a sword

Stabby Time!
Struck your first blow

Step Aerobics
Completed three levels

Mmm... Refreshing!
Regained health

Level Up!
Gained an extra hit point

Stronger Than I Thought
Flipped the world upside down

Someone Spiked the Punch
Drank poison

Feeling Gassy
Slowly fell to safety

Mirror Universe Counterpart
Jumped through the mirror

Two Halves Make a Whole
Re-united with your mirror self

Made My Way Up From Nothing
Reached the final level

Nothing Stands in the Way of True Love
Reunited with the Princess

Higher Than I Thought
Died by falling too far

Shish Kabob
Died by landing on spikes

Slice 'n' Dice
Died by getting sliced in half

Suicide-by-Cop
Died by being beaten in combat

Far Too Late
Ran out of time

Games I'd Like to See PS3-HD'd (Article)

2011-01-24T16:26:00.002Z

Just a basic article I wrote on hearing the rumours of a Metal Gear Solid trilogy PS3-HD collection.

Ape Escape

The Ape Escape games are essentially platformers with one major difference - instead of using the right analogue stick to control the camera, you use it to swing a net so you can catch escaped monkeys instead. And this works amazingly well. The original game on the PS1 had two sequels on the PS2 (as well as a few spin-offs, but we won't look at those), and I'd love to see them HD'd, if only so I can once again chase after those naughty monkeys!

Crash Bandicoot

A pipe dream, I know, but it would be wonderful to see the first three games from the original PS1 remastered in glorious hi-res graphics. Failing that, the more recent titles would be nice. Maybe then I could be convinced to give the blasted things another go. Either way, fans would lap them up.

Dark Cloud/Dark Chronicles

Hey, I'd like to see them anyway. They were both great games, despite having practically nothing in common, and they could well do with a second lease of life. Given how busy Level 5 are at the moment, and their current focus, this may well be nothing more than a dream, but it's a nice one to have all the same.

Kingdom Hearts

There's actually been three PS2 titles in this series - the main two, and the midquel 'Re:Chain of Memories'. Bringing all three to the PS3 in an HD collection would definitely appeal to fans of the series, and it would also help to alleviate Square-Enix's financial woes after FFXIV. I'm surprised they haven't already announced it.

Jak & Daxter

There's been five games in the series (Jak X IS canon, fanboys), and I am positive I'm not the only one who'd like to see them all with gloriously remastered graphics. Naughty Dog may have moved on to the Uncharted series, but that's no reason for them to revisit their earlier classics. Hell, I'd even accept the original trilogy, given how Lost Frontier was developed by High Impact Games. Just give us something, damn it!

Klonoa

Another dream, but there's been two core Klonoa games, the first of which was remade for the Wii a year or two ago, so it's not too hard of a leap to imagine them being HD'd and PS3'd. The games had a wonderful lightness of touch about them and a charm that most games lack these days, so I'd love to see the series return, if only to indulge my inner child.

Ratchet & Clank

This could happen, since the original developers are still working on the franchise. And what a collection it would be! The original four games (yes, that includes Deadlocked), remastered for the PS3, with online multiplayer for R&C3 & Deadlocked and Trophies as well as Skill Points... I guarantee it would sell like hotcakes. Why haven't Insomniac Games announced this yet? It's only a matter of time, surely?

Rayman

There's been a couple of Rayman games (well, four, not counting the Rabbids subseries) and I'd love to see them return. Rayman 2 is still one of my favourite 3D platformers, and seeing the PS2-remake Revolution in glorious PS3-vision, along with Rayman 3 would be amazing. Include Rayman M, with online support, and you're golden. Might want to turn down the difficulty of the original though, that was hard as nails.

Spyro

There's been two different Spyro series, but seeing either in HD would be nice. The originals preferably, but since the original developers have moved on (stupid Insomniac making Ratchet and Clank, grr) that's unlikely. It's also unlikely to see the new trilogy remastered, since the last of the three was made by a different developer then the first two. Still, I'd buy it. Maybe others would too.

Timesplitters

There's a fourth one rumoured to be in existence, so it's not too much of a stretch to imagine the original trilogy being remastered for the PS3. Throw in some online multiplayer and you've got one hell of a collection - certainly the closest most people will get to the original Goldeneye on the PS3, anyway. It'd be awesome.

Ty the Tasmanian Tiger

A trilogy of actually quite fun platformers with a very Australian bent. The first was your standard platformer, the second had an open-world aspect and the third is an 'after the apocalypse' sort of game. They're all good, but they seem to have flown under the radar a bit, with the third not actually being released in PAL regions. This could be a good chance to rectify that.

The Power of Starkiller (Article)

2010-12-28T17:04:00.002Z

Another post from Kotaku expanded to form a full article. It's a good one though. Explains why I'm not really that much of a Star Wars fan these days.

Starkiller is, quite simply, one of the most powerful Jedi or Sith that we've ever seen. And this represents a problem. Because each and every single interpretation of the Jedi/Sith, be it in movies, TV shows, games or comics, has had the powers they command become more and more powerful as time goes on. And the reason for this is audience demand.

Essentially, people demand more from the Jedi/Sith. Basic lightsaber fights and characters barely moving a rock with their minds simply won't cut it. We want more, dammit! So that's what we get, no matter how ridiculous or absurd it is. That's why we get the Clone Wars, with Jedi doing stupid flips and blowing up entire buildings with a handwave.

And THAT'S why we get someone like Starkiller, who is so much more powerful than everyone else, along with the handwave of "oh, the other Jedi were this powerful too, we just never saw it".

Example time! In the original film (A New Hope), the only real lightsaber fight was slow and tension-filled, between a former student and his master. Each one took careful, well-placed swings at each other, much like real swordfighters would, trying in a serious manner to kill the other. It was a gritty piece of drama as much as it was a neat piece of sci-fi action.

The numerous saber battles in later films, say The Phantom Menace, were incredibly stylized but ultimately pointless ballet routines. They look like the combatants are more interested in showing off than actually killing each other. There's no tension, no real atmosphere. Just some awesome stuff happening with no real emotional depth to it.

This is actually one of the main reasons I've stopped being such a huge fan of the series. It's more about the spectacle of the fights and the flashy graphics then it is about the actual characters.

Well, that and they stubbornly refuse to make a new sequel to Jedi Academy. I wanna know what happens to Kyle Katarn, dammit!

Comic Jumper: The Adventures of Captain Smiley (Review)

2010-12-08T21:46:00.005Z

Decided to rewrite my initial review, since it wasn't very professional. Or good. Ahem.

Comic Jumper is the third game from Twisted Pixel, and much like their other games, it is extremely silly, very funny, wonderfully imaginative and ultimately flawed.

The basic premise of the game is quite simple. You play Captain Smiley, a comic book character who's title is so bad it's almost immediately cancelled, and have to make guest appearances in other comics so you can earn enough money to relaunch your own. It's a little more complex then the other games by the developers ("Help an everything-eating creature to the end of the level" and "constantly blow yourself up to reach the end of the level" respectively), and the game does have a surprisingly strong plot, which is apt, given the subject material.

As you might expect, the humour in this game is brilliant. There's an awful lot for the game to make fun of, from the star on your costume being a pawning fan of your arch-nemesis 'Brad', to Captain Smiley complaining about how it's bad for his image to be shooting female robots, right down to mocking the people who write in to the 'Reader's Mail' bit of a comic. This is, without doubt, one of the funniest games ever made, and it's surprising how far the darkly-rich writing and snarky comments carry things.

Gameplay-wise, the whole thing feels like Contra, with you spending most of your time running from left to right (or in the last few levels, right to left) while shooting in the direction you point the right control stick, occasionally switching from the standard 2D-platforming-rendered-in-3D to run through a short 3D-on-rails section. When you're not shooting stuff, and you're almost never NOT shooting stuff, there's a few incredibly basic fist-fighting sections, but these are brief and lacking in any real depth, and you'll quickly be back to holding down the right trigger and desperately trying to avoid the bad guys.

Which leads to the games biggest problem - the difficulty. This game is incredibly difficult, and not in a good way. Instead of challenging you with enemies that attack in different ways and with various strategies, the game just has the same half-dozen enemies throughout, and just throws more and more of them at you. This quickly becomes absurdly frustrating, as you are constantly trying to move left and right while jumping just to avoid getting hit by any of the dozen projectiles on screen at any one time while also attempting to shoot the enemies throwing the projectiles. You're moving in one direction and shooting in the other, and it's nigh-impossible to do this for long until you get hit. And when you do get hit, it inevitably throws you off and leads to you getting hit again, and before you know it you've lost a third of your health, which the game stubbornly refuses to let you regain without dying and going back to the last checkpoint.

This 'artificial difficulty' - ie: not creating a challenging and intelligent difficulty curve, instead just throwing more stuff at you in the hopes of simulating one - is the biggest problem this game has. It becomes even worse in the later levels, when the stages are in black and white, meaning that you can't even see the projectiles half the time. The end result is a game that will often have you putting the controller down and doing something else for a while just so you can calm down. It's that frustrating.

One of the other problems with the game is that it doesn't really take advantage of the concept as much as it could. The idea of 'jumping' into other comics is an intriguing one, but aside from your own, you only visit three other types of comic - a Conan-style adventure, a return to the Silver Age of comics and a backwards-running excursion into Manga territory - and these don't quite have the imagination to stay interesting across all three levels you spend in each. Two of the levels in both the Conan and Manga comics are almost identical, which is somewhat disappointing. While there's some clever ideas, the game really could have benefited from one or two more styles, or maybe just a little more variation in the styles they do have.

In the end, there's an abundance of ideas in this game. The problem is that they focused too much on the humour and story and not enough on the gameplay. The end result is a game that's mired down by repetitiveness and an unforgiving difficulty. It's still worth trying, but it could have been so much more, and that's one of the worst things you can say about a game. Still, Nordya was hot, right?

Comic Jumper (Review)

2010-11-25T09:27:00.003Z

Another review. This one's really short, but that's because there's not a whole lot to say about it.

Comic Jumper: The Adventures of Captain Smiley - 7/10

This is, without a doubt, the funniest game I've played all year. Bar none. Sorry Telltale, Sam & Max came a good second, but Comic Jumper has the most wonderfully childish yet dark sense of humour I've ever come across in a game.

Unfortunately, the whole 'game' aspect is where the problems lie. It's basically a 2D sidescroller where you move with one control stick and control which direction you shoot with the other stick. Which is fine in practice, but the game decides that 'increased difficulty' means 'more enemies with their projectile attacks that are nearly impossible to dodge'.

So while the demo level (the first one) gives you a good example of how the game plays, it utterly fails to give you a grasp of how difficult it is. And it is difficult. Especially on the Manga levels, where everything's in black-and-white and you can't even see the projectiles half the time. This is not conducive to good gameplay. This is just clusterf**king.

When it's good, it's brilliant. When it's not, it's an anger-inducing smorgasboard of frustration. And that's how I'd sum up the game in three words. A hilarious clusterf**k.

Also, the 'He Ain't Even Married' achievement can go f**k itself.

Update

2010-11-08T14:42:00.002Z

Hey ho, another update.

I haven't had much free time as of late - work has been manic, and I suspect will continue to be for the next couple of months - and what little free time I do have is spent on a couple of projects that don't leave much room for anything else.

One of these projects is a series of new in-sleeves for my PS2 games, as the old ones are getting on a bit and I've been able to come up with some much nicer ones. Basically they're just a wallpaper that's been stretched across a DVD cover that I've just slapped a template over, but you'd be surprised how well that works sometimes. I'm about halfway through those ATM, and the hardest part has been finding decent images/wallpapers/fanart/whatever to use. I've had to get a bit inventive at times, but overall it's coming along quite nicely.

Another project has been with my PS3. You may have noticed the gamercard on the right side of the website with all my trophies on it. Getting as many of those as I can has certainly been part of it. The other part is transferring videos, music and wallpapers over to the system. I'm really not sure why I've been doing this - it's not like I don't have the files on my PC - but sometimes it's nice just to be able to watch Doctor Who on my TV without worrying about having to put them onto DVD first.

Finally, I've been sleeping. A lot.

So anyway, that's been my life as of late. Nice of you to ask. :)

Review - Prince of Persia: The Forgotten Sands

2010-10-12T17:46:00.017+01:00

I wrote this review for the SwapGame website after reading one that someone else had written that was very negative.

This is a game that, by all rights, shouldn't exist.

It's a sign that big developers are actually listening to gamers, which is an incredibly bizarre thing in this day and age, though it's a very welcome development, if you'll pardon the pun.

Given how much of a split reception the 2008 reboot of the series received, it's no surprise that Ubisoft has taken the Prince of Persia series back to what gamers feel most comfortable with. A new entry in the Sands of Time series (or rather, FOUR new entries, since the Wii and the two handheld versions are completely different games) that doesn't require players to have actually played any of the other games, allowing both old and new players to enjoy their new title. And slotting it into the 7 year gap between Sands of Time and it's previous sequel Warrior Within means that there's much more flexibility with what Ubisoft can do with the series and the characters within.

Unfortunately, while they've made a technically solid game, there's a lot of missed opportunities that prevent it from being the complete return to form that it could have been.

Starting at the beginning, the story is rather one-note and is rather basic compared to the rest of the series. The Prince is visiting his previously unmentioned and never referred to again brother Malik (well, this is a midquel) to learn how to become a leader. But his kingdom is attacked and he's forced to unleash a mystical army that ends up being an evil force that wants to crush everything in its path, and it's up to the eternally un-named Prince to fix things. It's a tired concept and the game doesn't seem to try to make it any more interesting. The whole thing is full of clichés and it's very hard to shake the feeling that we've been here a dozen times before, with the Prince even saying as such in a nice touch of self referential-ism.

The gameplay, on the other hand, is where the game shines. It's a wonderful return to the style of the original Sands of Time, and there are few things as satisfying as successfully making your way across an entire courtyard by climbing along the walls and sliding down a banner. There's even a few new tricks, such as the ability to freeze water and use that as platforms to swing across, or causing lost parts of buildings to temporarily return for you to clamber all over. A few small niggles bring the experience down though. Unlike in any other game, when running along a wall the Prince does so in a sort of rainbow-like arc, which is incredibly annoying when trying to time your way across a series of traps. The Prince also seems to have gained several abilities that he'll forget before his next game, which feels somewhat anachronistic-al. But once you get used to the changes, the game becomes much easier to enjoy.

Until you reach the combat, however, which is the games biggest failing. While before the Prince had free flowing and smooth combat sequences, here the fights are little more than button mashing sequences. There's no finesse to the fights, and no satisfaction to be gained from enemies who only have one attack and constantly try to use it on you. There's also so many of them in each fight, up to 50 at a time, that you'll quickly learn to dread these sections. The now obligatory XP system allows you to learn several abilities, and you'll quickly find the two that are most effective at getting through these fights quickly and will constantly use them, rendering the whole system rather broken.

There's not really much else to say about the game. The music is good as always, the graphics are impressive (except for the Prince himself, who now looks like a football hooligan), the level design is pretty good (if a little illogical when thought about in real-world terms) and the voicework is generally acceptable. But it's hard to shake the feeling that this isn't a game made by the original developers. Rather, it's been made by their biggest fans who desperately want their tribute to be held up and thought of as being as good as the games that inspired them. And while this tribute might be good - and don't get me wrong, it IS a good game - it's not up to the exceedingly high standards of the original trilogy.

But if they want to make more such tributes, well... I wouldn't say no.

A Tale of Drivers

2010-08-31T21:14:00.002+01:00

From a comment I made at Kotaku when someone said ATI was better than nVidea.

Let me regale you of a tale of a dark and dangerous world - a world called 'drivers'. Our 'hero', if one can call him that, goes by the name of Catalyst, and no matter where he goes, he is endlessly followed by the tales of the games that were rendered unplayable due to his lack of prowess. It is a sad and unhappy tale, full of misery, woe and anger, mostly mine. Are you sitting comfortably? Then I shall begin.

Once upon a time, a young gamer tried to play Bioshock with his outdated PC on too many times and found that the motherboard had died. Sad and frustrated, he convinced his parents to lend him the money so he could purchase a brand new PC, one that would be capable of playing not just Bioshock, but also Crysis, should the mood take him (though it never did, sadly).

This shiny new PC came with nearly everything that PC Gamer magazine (the UK one) recommended, including a relatively new ATI Radeon HD 5850 card. And when he got the PC up and running, it was wonderful! Bioshock could run for longer then 15 minutes at a time! FEAR looked shiny and impressive! Half-Life 2 was much the same!

And when the time came to update his drivers, our gamer did so without nary a question. "New drivers", he told himself, "means better performance with games!" The gamer, if you have yet to realise, is not the smartest tool in the workshop.

Update his Radeon drivers our young gamer did, and now they proudly displayed the number 10.2 on their shield. And the gamer thought no more about it, playing the same games over and over again.

But then the young gamer, in an RPG mood, tried to play Neverwinter Nights. Denied! The game crashed before it even reached the main menu! The gamer was puzzled. The game had always run on his old machine. What had happened? Had the final patch not applied properly?

And so he went through the lengthly process of re-installing NWN and its two add-ons. Remember, the game was released back in the days before DVDs, so in total there were 5 CDs to go through. To say it was inconvenient is somewhat of an understatement. To say it was a massive pain in the arse is much more appropriate.

Yet, once he had re-installed the game and fully patched it, the problem persisted. And so, frustrated and annoyed at the wasted half an hour he had just spent, the gamer turned to the internet for help. And, eventually, he found it, in the form of other gamers complaining of the same problem while possessing similar graphics cards.

The diagnosis? "It's the Radeon 10.2 drivers", they cried! "It interferes with the Aurora engine and stops it from running!" And to the gamer's horror, this meant that any game that used the same engine, or had engines developed on top of it, would have the same problem. Knights of the Old Republic 1 and 2, Jade Empire, and even The Witcher! A shocking oversight!

With the 10.3 drivers, the problem was then fixed, and the gamer could enjoy running around the town of Neverwinter and becoming the greatest rat-catcher in history. But this was not the first of the gamer's run-ins with Radeon. Oh no.

After a while, Psychonauts went on sale on Steam. For 99p, no less! The gamer bought it at once and played through it again, safe in the knowledge that it would not suffer the same issues as the PS2 version he had previously acquired.

And it was glorious indeed! The resolution was wonderful - 1440 by 900! The mouse was, as always, much preferred to the joypad, and the world of Whispering Rock was more vivid and wonderful than ever.

But then came Gloria's Theatre. And the game collapsed into nothingness. The framerate, which had until then been wonderful, collapsed into single digits and never recovered, no matter where the gamer went in the game. Almost instantly, the game halted. No longer could the gamer keep playing, his saved game forever corrupted. An unavoidable tragedy.

And then the gamer did something he would do for no other game. He updated his Radeon drivers to the very latest ones (10.4 by now), and restarted the game from the very beginning. A new save game overriding the old one fixed the issue immediately, and he resolved to try again.

Two days he spent returning to his last known place in the game. And played the other levels he did, until there was nowhere left to go but Gloria's mind. And once he did so, the game did once again start coughing blood and clutching at its chest. The framerate plummeted, as did the gamer's hopes of finishing the game. He has yet to replay it, not wishing to play through the rest of the game again only to be disappointed.

And this is still not the end of the story! Yes, there is more woe to come. For as the ATI Radeon grew 'stronger', so to did its ability to break games. 10.5 caused horrific graphical glitches with Battlefield: Bad Company 2 (and StarCraft 2, though it had yet to be officially released).

10.6 was particularly hard on the gamer, as it completely broke any game using the any of the Quake engines. This meant the first three Quake games, SiN, the Star Trek: Elite Force games, American McGee's Alice and Jedi the Star Wars games Jedi Outcast and Jedi Academy were no longer playable. There's a possibility that this has been fixed in the recent 10.8, but even so the gamer was not able to enjoy slicing the arms off Stormtroopers as a bearded mercenary for a significant amount of time.

Radeon has his moments, but they are far, far overshadowed by his crippling failures and constant neglect from his mentor and ruler, the evil vizier AMD, nee ATI.

And sadly, this is where our tale ends. The gamer has endured much frustration with ATI Radeon and his devilish drivers, and will no doubt continue to do so in the future. The fiend's lack of respect for those that support him and unwillingness to listen and respond to the criticisms they give him are his undoing.

Next time, go nVidea. Then at least the video at the beginning of Bioshock will be true.

Update: I did update to 10.8 (I had to, in order to play Sam & Max 305), and it didn't fix the Quake 3 thing. Grr.

Games You Realise You Hated (Forum Post)

2010-07-07T17:23:00.003+01:00

Shut up, I've been busy. But anyway, this is exactly what the title says: a list of games that I realized I hated while playing them.

EDIT: There's a problem with the font that means half the post is in teeny-weeny-eye-strain-o-vision. I'm trying to sort it out, but since it involves retyping everything, my chronic laziness is stopping me from fixing it particularly quickly. Sorry.

EDIT2: Ok, think I've fixed it. Huzzah.

Halo - About 8 hours in, I encountered the Flood. I also realized that I'd just spent the last hour running through the exact same corridor that had been copy-pasted about 300 times. This was around the time I abandoned the game and moved onto something more fun. Looking back on it after I'd finished painting the cat, I realized that aside from a precious few levels that take place outside, the majority of the time I spent playing the game was me running through corridors, all of which looked extremely similar, fighting exactly the same enemies and using exactly the same tactics - shoot everything that moves, wait until my shields are nearly gone, hide behind cover, wait for shields to regenerate, then rinse and repeat. I also realized just how bored I'd been with the game. The series may have a great story and a thrilling arc, but if the gameplay itself is less fun then an hour-long session of Sudoku, then I couldn't care less.

Tomb Raiders I - V - For obvious reasons, really. Playing the Core Design'd Tomb Raider titles in modern times is very, very boring. The games are very slow paced, and while that works for some titles (stealth games like Splinter Cell, mostly), an action packed 3D platformer should be fast paced. TR was most definitely not faced paced. I skipped the first TR in favour of its Crystal Dynamic'd remake (which I very much enjoyed, PoP-style platforming needs to be done in more games), so I have played through about two-thirds of TR2. But I really couldn't keep going past the ice levels, because my arms had fallen asleep by this point. So yeah.

Timeshift - I've actually finished this. But that was on my old PC, when I could only play games for 15 minutes at a time before my graphics card overheated and my PC switched off. Playing it in small chunks, it's surprisingly manageable. Playing it in larger chunks, which my new PC allows me, lets you realize how little fun the game actually is. The time manipulation mechanics are fun at first, but after the novelty wears off, you're left with a distinctly average shooter with a few fancy 'hey, look how cool we are' gimmicks. Or rather, one fancy gimmick, that isn't really all that fancy, because in order to make it through the game, you will be using slo-mo pretty much all the time. And that gets real old, real fast. Which is a little ironic really, when you think about it.

Exodus From The Earth - Chances are, you've never heard of this. Good. It is quite possibly the most boring, tedious, badly translated attempt at a modern FPS I have ever played. Almost every cliché in the book is here, from fighting through a factory/warehouse to a confrontation with a CEO in his office that turns sour, and the action itself is hopeless because you can never tell if you've actually hit anyone with your shots. There's no response - no blood, no screams, nothing. You just have to keep shooting in the hope that you're actually doing some damage. Add in the fact that I genuinely got stuck at one point in the game and had no idea of where I was supposed to go, and I literally just went 'sod it' and gave up. Which is not normally a good thing.

Painkiller / Serious Sam - I've lumped these two together because they're extremely similar (and both have had multiple sequels that changed bugger all but still charged us full price for the privilege), but you can also include pretty much any FPS to come out of Germany along with them. Apologies to Yahtzee, but the reason he likes these games is the same reason I get fed up with them - they're all about killing. And I don't know about you, but when a game does nothing but throw wave after wave of enemies at you, it doesn't take long for you to get tired of it. Especially when there's little to no variation in the enemies or their attacks. I mean, at least Doom had the odd keycard-fetch-quest to liven things up.

Dead Space - Initially this game actually got off to a good start. Then my machine needed reformatting and I had to restart the game. To my utter shock (and indifference), I realized this game did not match up to how good my mind thought it was. Although the game had its moments (and time you enter a zero-g or de-pressurized area, mainly), the vast majority of the time you just do exactly the same thing. Wander around with your gun drawn shooting the arms off stuff. And while that may describe around 95% of games out there, Dead Space somehow managed to make it incredibly repetative, unexciting and routine. The second you see an enemy, you inwardly sigh and start carving all its limbs off, and that's why I gave up. Also, those little insect-like creatures? Screw them. Screw them all.

XIII - I put this solely down to the controls. The game is an utterly horrific console port which, aside from the standard mouse-look that all PC games have to have by law, completely fails to grasp how a PC FPS should work. As well as the movement feeling unnaturally sticky and unrefined, you can't select weapons with the number keys 1-5. Instead, you have to cycle through them using the PageUp and PageDown keys (or Z and X, if you're feeling fruity). That means that it takes far too long to change weapons, and the same goes for the inventory (though that's a little more standard in games). The game has a great story, being based on a cracking graphic novel series, and I spend a great deal of time on it, but the controls really did cripple it and I just couldn't take any more. Shame, really.

The Nomad Soul - Again, this is down to the controls. The Nomad Soul, also known as Omikron, was by roughly the same guys who made Indigo Prophecy (aks Fahrenheit) and Heavy Rain. It attempted to mix several different gameplay styles, such as a 2.5D fighting section, an FPS section and, IIRC, a driving section, all connected by a third person bridge that also served as the main part of the game. Unfortunately, the fighting section is absurdly difficult to control, the FPS section is woefully bad, the driving section lackluster and the third person section incredibly clunky. There's a brilliant story here, and there's a body-swapping mechanic that worked so well the makers of Driver have stolen it, but the over-ambitious attempt to combine so many genres into one just doesn't work. Another shame, but if a game constantly kicks your ass purely because it won't let you play it properly then it's no wonder no-one bought it.

Why Adventure Games That Kill You Died Out (Article)

2010-07-07T16:59:00.004+01:00

Not quite a forum post, but a comment on a Kotaku post. The post itself showed two videos containing the many ways to die in Space Quest III, and I felt moved to write the following in response.

EDIT: This post got some interesting feedback. I may include some of it, along with my responses. Maybe.

There is a reason why games like this are no longer made.

Although they were far from the only company doing so, Sierra titles really were the stand-out champions of 'games that kill you for no reason'. Unfortunately, while many people like games that perform this service, it did an awful lot to hold games back.

The primary issue is right there in the title - killing you for no reason. If you were to walk right into the path of an enemy, then fair enough, but games like Space Quest would often kill you just for walking to a new screen. Half the time you wouldn't know what was there, and you were severely punished for merely being curious. This, as you can imagine, would be incredibly frustrating for an average player, and would easily convince them to just give up and try something else.

The second problem is the genre. Adventure games never have, and never will, lend themselves well to instant-death situations. In action titles, it's much more acceptable, but adventure games are generally known for making you think your way out of a situation, and suddenly throwing in a stealth section or limited windows of opportunity just don't gel with the rest of the gameplay. And don't even get me started on items that you have to pick up or you can't complete the game.

The third problem is checkpoints. Adventure games like Space Quest didn't have them, so when you died (often unfairly) you would either have to reload a previous save or restart the entire game. And since half the time you didn't know whether an area was dangerous or not, sometimes you could end up losing half an hour, or worse, more, because you hadn't saved for a while.

Modern gaming has solved a lot of these problems. Adventure games now rarely (if ever) let you die, and if they do, they let you retry from a point in time not too far back. This makes the games far more enjoyable, and means that players can feel free to explore without worry of being unfairly punished.

I'm focusing on adventure games purely because that's what's featured in the videos, and that's immediately what people will think of when they read this topic. Action titles have also gotten much easier, but there's a different discussion.

Series that need to end (Forum Post)

2010-06-14T20:12:00.004+01:00

Yes, another post from a forum. Just be grateful I'm actually posting something.

First off, I'm a single player gamer. I play games for their offline aspect. That's what I will be judging the following on. Don't get angry or irritated at my choices if I pick one you enjoy playing onlone with your friends, because I'm not picking it for that.

Halo - The single player campaigns for all of them were hopeless. The first game literally had copy-pasted corridors that took me hours to get through, and the sequels did nothing to improve the gameplay - if anything, they worsened it by combining the health and shield bars into one, placing you in uninspired and repetitive levels and having a plot that made little to no sense.

Final Fantasy - I wouldn't mind this if they just focused on the core games. But no. They have to make sequels, and prequels, and utterly unrelated spin-offs (Tactics and Crystal Chronicles, I'm looking at you). The stories are pretty much based on the same ideas with new spins, the battle systems have just gotten worse with each one and the latest is just an embarrassment. I do not want to spend 20 hours learning how to play a game. Which leads me neatly on to...

Grand Theft Auto - And by this, I mean the more recent, 'realistic' ones. There's a reason most people prefer Vice City to GTA4 - it's just plain more entertaining. The recent games have been far too gritty and realistic to be much fun at all. The Ballad of Gay Tony was a good step in the right direction, but it's not enough to save the series. Either give us back the zany, over-the-top cartoonish GTAs, or stop making the damn things.

Splinter Cell - This one's bound to be a bit controversial, but hear me out. I thought the first four games were great fun. Sneaking along, performing stealth kills, moving the bodies out of sight... Tense, but extremely rewarding. The new game is nothing like that. While I'd expect a few changes, that's not what Conviction gives us. It's an almost completely different game to the ones that came before it. And that's why this series need to 'die and go away' - because it's not Splinter Cell any more.

Worms - Remember this? Way back in 1995, a few guys made a great turn-based combat 'simulator'. Team17 then spent the next 15 years remaking the same damn game over and over again. 15 years. I'm sick to death of the damn series, I'm sick to death of the cheating AI which always, without fail, uses grenades. I'm sick of all the cute voices which grate after around 30 seconds. And most of all, I'm sick of finding exactly the same game on every single console under the sun.

Sonic the Hedgehog - Do I really need to explain this? Yes? Oh. Well. Ever since Sonic went into 3D, he's pretty much split the fans. I'm with the camp that thinks everything since Sonic Adventure was rubbish. The character could work in a 3D world, but the only game that's really come close to showing that is Unleashed, and you spent half the time in that in 2D-style sections, so it's hardly the best example. There's been a change lately though - Sonic 4 looks like it could be good and Sonic Colo(u)rs might be interesting. But I have little faith for either of these, and if they aren't any good, then this franchise definitely needs to have both barrels. (Yes, I watch ZP*. Who doesn't.)

Assassin's Creed - Heh. Kidding.

*Zero Punctuation. Here's the relevant video.

The Trouble with T.Davies

2010-01-09T21:36:00.004Z

Another Doctor Who themed rant, I'm afraid. Deal with it.

I thought The Next Doctor wasn't all that good. That was down mostly to RTD's writing, and it's often something I have problems with.

Having watched all his episodes, I've found that he generally writes two types of episode - one where the threat level remains constant throughout, and the other where there's a big reveal about two-thirds of the way through.

The episodes where the general tone of the episode and the overall threat remains roughly the same throughout work really well. Tooth and Claw, for example, or The Waters of Mars. Whether it's a constant feeling of doom or just a standard romp, they generally turn out pretty well.

The episodes where there's a big reveal about two-thirds or so into the story are not as good. Love and Monsters is a prime example of this, as was The Next Doctor. Up until that point, the story will be pretty good, but once you get to that reveal, RTD can't resist having some big earth-shattering event or an utterly ludicrous monster (or both) that just stops the episode dead in its tracks. Once you hit that moment, you're gone - you've lost whatever respect or enjoyment you previously had for the episode and you switch to mocking mode. 'That monster looks ridiculous!' or 'That makes no sense at all!'. And once the big reveal happens, you still need to have the Doctor beat this threat. But if you don't take this threat seriously, then it's hard to watch someone else do so.

Let's take Voyage of the Damned as an example. It wasn't the most fantastic episode in the world (way too much death for my liking), but it was enjoyable enough. Until we find out that the big bad is a head in a box. An annoying, smug, vain and just plain irritating head in a box. And it's an ugly head in a box as well - sparkling teeth and everything. Once we, the audience, discover this, we stop caring. It could be the head of Hitler for all we care, we're just not going to take it seriously. And if we won't take that seriously, then why should we take anything else seriously? And then Kylie takes a forklift to the ugly head in a box. I'll repeat that.

Kylie Minogue drives a forklift and forces an ugly, irritating head in a box to fall down a hole.

If anyone else had written a script with that in it then it would never have gotten through. It's just ridiculous. And RTD expects us to not only accept that, but feel sorry for Kylie as she then falls down the hole herself and dies. Which is absurd, because he's already lost us. He's crossed the line and lost the viewer's respect. And then he goes on and has Queen Elizabeth evacuate Buckingham Palace in case the ship crashes into it, and when it doesn't he has the Queen actually thank the Doctor. This isn't serious drama - it's a bad comedy sketch.

Several of his episodes play out like this. With Boom Town it was the Slitheen taking control of the TARDIS and causing somewhat unconvincing cracks to appear in Cardiff. With Love and Monsters it was the Abzorbalof (or, rather, Peter Kay). The Stolen Earth/Children of Time, the sheer cluster-f*ck of characters. The Next Doctor, the CyberKing. And so on.

I'm not saying this happens all the time. It's something I've only found in some of the episodes written by RTD. And even then, those episodes are fine, even great, until that 66% mark. It's the fact that RTD includes those OTT moments that means I am thrown out of the plot with little to no hope of getting back in. And when I say 'we/us', I mean me as a typical audience member. I admit not everyone shares my views, but if you visit the Gallifrey Base forums (formerly the Doctor Who Forums), for example, there are a fair few who do.

I very much enjoy Doctor Who. Even the old, not-as-good ones (well, except the early ones which just go on and on and on...). And when RTD is on form, he can write some of the best episodes. But, conversely, he can also write the worst. It's still better then a lot of other shows, but when compared to the brilliance of Who, he can really fall short.

I enjoyed Planet of the Dead - I thought it was an enjoyable romp, if not exactly jam-packed with tension. And as I already mentioned, The Waters of Mars was, with the exception of a few make-up issues, bloody marvellous. It seems that co-writing episodes with someone helps to temper RTD's bad habits.

Honestly, I don't really like to over-analyse stuff. When I do, all I find are more things to dislike. But I've had this view on RTD's writing for a while now and I felt like sharing. In doing so, I help myself to actually realize why I feel that way. I look forward to the Christmas two-parter.

- Ironically, RTD did exactly what I ranted about once again in The End of Time - Part I, with the Master turning everyone on Earth into himself. I mentioned in another thread that it was the sort of thing a six-year-old would come up with, which I think sums it up nicely. Part Two was brilliant though.

Lego Doctor Who - The Classic & New Blocks

2010-01-09T20:48:00.004Z

Hey all. Happy 2010! At last, I can say two numbers instead of one and not seem weird! Huzzah.

Anyway. This particular piece (somehow) came about after I started a topic talking about the last episode(s) of David Tennant's stint as The Doctor. I'm not really sure how, but the conversation moved onto the possibility of a Lego Doctor Who game, which I naturally jumped upon like a starving wolf being presented with a nice shiny jugular covered in marshmallows and chocolate.

This is pieced together from a few different posts, but I think it makes sense once edited together. Now if we can just get this made, we'll be sorted.

Coming soon! Lego Doctor Who: The New Blocks! Chronicling the new series, from Rose to the End of Time! Thrill as you play through the very best of Christopher Eccleston and David Tennant's adventures through time and space! Tremble as you fight the Daleks, Cybermen, Juddoon, Sontarans and the diabolical Master! Laugh as the once treasured stories are rendered in lovable bricks and quirky cutscenes!

And let's not forget the classic adventures! Lego Doctor Who: The Classic Blocks, Volumes I, II and III! Marvel as William Hartnell swaps heads with Patrick Troughton! Shiver as the Master first appears! Puzzle over how Tom Baker manages to avoid tripping on his scarf! Laugh at Colin Baker's terrible dress sense! Gasp as Paul McGann gets more then one adventure!

In stores soon, provided the BBC has even a shred of sense and lets Traveller's Tales actually make it!

-x-

The specs:

Lego Doctor Who - The Classic Blocks - Volume I

Chapter One - William Hartnell

Levels - The Daleks (aka The Mutants and The Dead Planet), Marco Polo, The Dalek Invasion of Earth, The Romans, The Time Meddler, The Myth Makers, The Massacre (of St Bartholomew's Eve) and The Tenth Planet [Total - 9]

Chapter Two - Patrick Troughton

Levels - The Power of the Daleks, The Highlanders, The Macra Terror, The Tomb of the Cybermen, The Ice Warriors, The Web of Fear, The Invasion, The Space Pirates and The War Games [Total - 9]

Chapter Three - Jon Pertwee

Levels - Spearhead from Space, Inferno, The Claws of Axos, The Curse of Peladon, The Sea Devils, The Three Doctors, The Green Death, Invasion (of the Dinosaurs) and Planet of the Spiders [Total - 9]

Lego Doctor Who - The Classic Blocks - Volume II

Chapter One - Tom Baker (The Early Years)

Levels - The Sontaran Experiment, Genesis of the Daleks, Terror of the Zygons, Pyramids of Mars, The Seeds of Doom, The Hand of Fear, The Robots of Death, The Talons of Weng-Chiang and The Invasion of Time [Total - 9]

Chapter Two - Tom Baker (The Later Years)

Levels - The Key to Time (Parts I, II and III), City of Death, The Creature From the Pit, The Leisure Hive, Meglos, The Keeper of Traken and Logopolis [Total - 9]

Chapter Three - Peter Davison

Levels - Four to Doomsday, Black Orchid, Earthshock, Mawdryn Undead, Enlightenment, The Five Doctors, The Awakening, Resurrection of the Daleks and The Caves of Androzani [Total - 9]

Lego Doctor Who - The Classic Blocks - Volume III

Chapter One - Colin Baker

Levels - The Twin Dilemma, Attack of the Cybermen, Vengeance on Varos, The Mark of the Rani, Revelation of the Daleks and The Trial of a Time Lord (all four parts) [Total - 9]

Chapter Two - Sylvester McCoy

Levels - Time and the Rani, Delta and the Bannermen, Dragonfire, Remembrance of the Daleks, The Happiness Patrol, The Greatest Show in the Galaxy, Battlefield, The Curse of Fenric and Survival [Levels - 9]

Chapter Three - Paul McGann

Levels - The Movie (aka The Enemy Within) - [Audio Adventures] - Storm Warning, The Sword of Orion, Invaders from Mars, The Girl Who Never Was, Blood of the Daleks, The Zygon Who Fell to Earth, Worldwide Web and Death in Blackpool [Total - 9]

Lego Doctor Who - The New Blocks

Chapter One - Christopher Eccleston

Levels - Rose, The End of the World, Aliens in London, Dalek, The Empty Child, The Parting of the Ways and The Christmas Invasion (David Tennant in Eccleston's outfit) [Total - 7]

Chapter Two - David Tennant (Brown Suit)

Levels - New Earth, School Reunion, The Girl in the Fireplace, Rise of the Cybermen, The Satan Pit, Doomsday and The Runaway Bride [Total - 7]

Chapter Three - David Tennant (Blue Suit)

Levels - Smith and Jones, The Shakespeare Code, Evolution of the Daleks, Human Nature/The Family of Blood*, The Sounds of Drums and Last of the Time Lords (two levels**), along with Voyage of the Damned [Total - 8]
*I prefer the second title, to avoid confusion with the book called 'Human Nature' upon which the TV episodes were based.
**In the first level, you'd be David tennant trying to save Martha, and in the second, you'd be Freema Agyman trying to save the Doctor.

Chapter Four - David Tennant (Various Outfits)

Levels - Partners in Crime, Planet of the Ood, The Sontaran Strategem, The Doctor's Daughter, The Unicorn and the Wasp, Silence in the Library and Journey's End [Total - 7]

Chapter Four - David Tennant (Various Outfits)

Levels - The Next Doctor, Planet of the Dead, The Waters of Mars, The End of Time (Part One) and The End of Time (Part Two) [Total - 5, possibly 6 if Dreamland is included as well, though that's debatable]

Current Status

2009-10-05T17:43:00.002+01:00

Hey. Just thought I give a quick post letting any potential reader what's going on with me at the moment.

At present, I am waiting on The Escapist to approve my second review, this one of Time Gentlemen, Please!, which I have a whopping great ad for on the right of the screen. Seriously, you can't miss it. Anyway, I've been waiting on The Escapist for about a month and a half now, which is getting rather frustrating, and I've sent a couple of 'reminder' e-mails asking why they've been taking so long.

I've also been working a a whole new series of reviews, this time of the PS2 Ratchet and Clank games. I'm not doing the PS3 titles, as I don't actually have a PS3, which is fair enough, really.

However, I've finally landed a job at the new PoundLand store that's opening in Worthing, so I'll have much less free time to scribble down words and present it as a serious piece of literature. Probably. Stupid job.

Anyway, that's what's been going on in my life. How about you? Everything all right on your end?

Well, that's nice.

I'm a Published Writer! - UPDATED 22/08

2009-08-14T23:38:00.005+01:00

I'd like to tell you how honoured I am that I have now become a published writer, as my review of Ben There, Dan That! has been used as a Featured Review on The Escapist.

Thankfully, now that they've apologized and fixed the errors they introduced thanks to their editing, I actually can! I've actually printed off the e-mail they sent me, claiming that I'm 'passionate about my reviews', which made me very happy indeed. The fact that I was slightly drunk at the time is completely irrelevant.

You can read the review here. Enjoy!

Ben There, Dan That! and Time Gentlemen, Please! (Reviews)

2009-08-06T18:07:00.005+01:00

Deja Vu?

Sort of. I'm trying to get this used as a Featured Review on The Escapist, and when I submitted the original version of my review, I asked for feedback. Which I got. As a result, I rewrote about 80% of the review to incorporate this feedback, resulting in a much improved and better flowing piece.

For the record, there were three comments.
1) Is this one game or two?
2) Are you writing from a checklist?
3) What's the plot of the games?

I'm just copy-pasting this from The Escapist, so this one'll include pictures. I normally remove these from the reviews I post here, but I honestly can't be arsed this time.

I first heard about Ben There, Dan That! in an article in PCGamer UK, where one of the game's authors wrote an interesting article about its creation. I never bothered to actually try the game, but after playing MI:SE recently, I developed a taste for classic adventure gaming, and during my searches for good free games, stumbled upon Ben There, Dan That! by Zombie Cow Studios. Once I'd finished that, I immediately went and bought its sequel, Time Gentlemen, Please!. If this were a just and righteous universe, you would all do the same.

Please don't ask me to go back the way I came. PLEASE.

Ben There, Dan That!, like the recent Tales of Monkey Island, opens at the tail-end of an adventure staring the two title characters, Ben and Dan. Tragically, Dan has managed to end up deadified, and having completed a whole load of off-screen adventures, the player-controlled Ben has finally gotten him all ready for resurrection. All that remains is to stick a firework up Dan's bumhole and shoot him along an incredibly long piece of twine over a bottomless gorge and into a shack full of corpse-reanimating equipment. But that's far from the end of their adventures.

Upon returning home after a funky title sequence, the pair settle in to watch Magnum PI. Or they would, had Ben not been forced to use the aerial in his attempt to bring Dan back from the dead. A makeshift antenna to stick out the window is hastily made, and the pair are promptly zapped aboard an alien ship full of doorways leading to parallel universes. In order to return home, the two have to venture forth into these alternate worlds and find the two pieces of a yin-yang, which will open up the door back to their own world. Along the way you'll kill a Priest, cause a miniature Death Star to fry a dinosaur, travel through the rear end of a cow and absorb a man with a sponge.

If any of this sounds offensive to you, chances are that this series are not for you. Which is a real shame, as it's brilliant. The sheer amount of charm the central characters exude more then compensates for any distasteful actions they, and by extension you, take. These may be some of the most offensive adult games you'll have played, but they're also absolutely hilarious, far more so then many other so-called 'comedy' titles released in the last few years.

One of the major factors crucial to this is the writing. Having to get past a Priest by killing him would seem cruel, even offensive if taken straight. Doing so by not only whacking him over the head with his own bible, but then expressing a forlorn hope that he's just sleeping (when really, you're not fooling anyone, not even yourself), and then developing that action even further, turning the act of inadvertently killing people while trying to get things from them into a running joke, takes a LOT of balls. Thankfully the writers manage it with aplomb, and that's not even the worst they have to throw at us. The darkest side of humour is evident throughout the game, but because everything is played for laughs, it's actually surprisingly difficult to become offended at the actions taken by Ben and Dan. The blank expressions permanently worn by the pair, coupled with the dry comments offered by the two really endear them to you, and it's hard to hate such a pair of lovable scamps, even if they do swear a tad too often.

Also taking a large amount of the edge off of things are the graphics. While you'll inevitably think the two leads seem incredibly basic, they quickly grow on you, and you'll find that their oddly distinct animations make them hard to hate, even as they inadvertently kill someone via the gift of toilet cakes. And while the characters may not be particular highlights, the backgrounds are the real stars of the show. The parallel universe angle means that there are several different versions of the London skyline, all lovingly rendered with jaded angles and straight lines. It's a wonderful throwback to classic LucasArts games without being generic, as other games made in the same vein can end up being.

Fear not! We shall have no need for such useless items!

I mention LucasArts adventures for a reason. One of the highlights of those games were the puzzles, something Ben There, Dan That! does relatively well with. The tried-and-tested 'pick up everything not bolted down and combine it all with everything else' technique will show just how much care has gone into the game, as almost every combination possible has a custom response. Trying to use a crowbar with a dinosaur will warrant a 'I'm not Gordon Freeman!' comment, while trying it on a PC will warrant a concern that that'll crash the computer. Unfortunately while these responses are funny, there's no real hints or tips as to what to do in any given situation, and it can be a bit hard to get into the frame of mind the designers had while making the game. Once you do stumble upon the answer though, it all makes a wonderous kind of sense.

Another point against Ben There, Dan That! is the music. Or, rather, the lack thereof. While the theme tune is certainly funky, it's also pretty much the only piece of music you'll hear throughout the game, aside from the lift music that crops up in a horrifically long elevator sequence. There's background ambience in certain places, such as keyboard tapping in a software development office or the blurred-out commentary of the big game in a pub (or, rather, bar), and you'll get a little musical flourish whenever you unlock a new universe to explore, but that's about as sophisticated as it gets. The developers weren't able to afford to have someone score the game, which is a shame, as it really could have enhanced the game a great deal.

In the end though, these negative points don't really do that much to damage Ben There, Dan That!. It's still an entertaining game, and you'll have hours of fun with it, but compared to its sequel, you get the feeling that it could have been just that little bit better.

Time Gentlemen, Please! opens up with a recap of the events of Ben There, Dan That!, and immediately impresses with a full-on attention grabbing musical piece and fantastic artwork accompanying the text. From there, the game only gets better, as Ben and Dan try to find the setting of their previous adventure in the hopes of utilising some left-over technology to undo the inadvertent mass destruction of the entire world. Finding a way back in time, they attempt to stop coathangers from being invented, but in the process wind up allowing Hitler to take over the world with the aid of an army of cloned Dinosaurs. If such a thing is possible, the game only gets weirder from there.

As we've come to expect from sequels, the game looks even better then its prequel, not just in the higher resolution artwork, but also thanks to the additional new-fangled flashy effects. A great example of this is the opening sequence - the rain coming down over a now devastated London (accidentally brought about by the lead character's actions, naturally) looks absolutely stunning, and really push the AGS engine used by both games to new limits. Thankfully Ben and Dan both look the same as they did before, although they now have more then one expression, which is used to great comic effect at times.

Also much improved are the puzzles, which now have a much more imaginative flair about them, making use of an old-school text-based adventure game, ageing or de-ageing inventory items and even altering the very fabric of time itself. If any of the puzzles seem too hard, dialogue from the lead characters will often nudge you in the right direction, drawing your attention to items that can be picked up or nudging you about certain things you should try. It's a sort of in-game hint system that you can't turn off, and though sometimes you'll already know that you should do something, more often then not you'll appreciate being told that you should use a different inventory item instead of the one you're currently trying to use, or that Dan is capable of doing something that Ben is not. That said though, sometimes this hint system will fail you and you'll be left wondering what you've missed, and given how much bigger this game is compared to its prequel, this can mean a lot of running around trying to find that one item. Fortunately there's a new map included which lets you zip around the world, but even so, it's a shame they haven't managed to completely overcome the genre's biggest problem.

ZE SLOP BUCKET VILL BE MINE! ACHTUNG!

The final item on the checklist is music, and this too is much improved over the first game, in that there actually is some. From the remastered theme tune to the party mix that plays during the stone-age disco, there's a surprising amount of mileage to the soundtrack, especially so given that most games made using the AGS engine are relatively simple, featuring rather basic tunes or stuff ripped from different sources. You can even alter how loud it is in the options menu, something very few, if any, AGS games have at all. As a result the whole feel of the game is incredibly professional.

These games really do push the boundaries of adventure games, both in content and in style. They're ludicrously adult, frequently absurd and gleefully over-the-top. And they're both some of the best games I've played in years. I cannot recommend them enough. Go and play them, you simple-minded fools. Where else will you see a battle-mech striding Hitler in command of an army of cloned dinosaurs? Nowhere, that's where.

The first game, Ben There, Dan That!, is absolutely free, so you've got no excuse not to at least try it. The second game, Time Gentlemen, Please!, isn't free, but it's only £2.99 (around £3.35 including VAT, which the website shockingly didn't mention you'd need to pay!), which is around $5ish. If you do the math, that's WAY less then the Monkey Island remake, and they'll last you as long, if not longer. Go and play them already, I want to see a third one.

Addendum: At the request of the Ben (of Ben & Dan fame, folks!), I'm adding a score for Metacritic. Three out of... Nah, kidding. 9/10 for Ben There, Dan That! and 10/10 for Time Gentlemen, Please!.

Screenies from the Zombie-Cow website and softonic.com. Thanks guys!

Okami Wii (Review)

2009-08-01T22:46:00.002+01:00

Another day, another review. I'm trying to get through the fairly large number I originally posted on that wonderous forum of legend. This one's quite short, mostly because it feels extremely similar to a Zelda game and when you've played something so often, you tend to forget about the most obvious things. I should probably go back and rewrite this, beefing it up a little, but eh, whatever.

When I went into Okami, I wasn't all that sure what I was going to get. I hadn't done a lot of research beforehand, and even if I had, I doubt it really would have prepared me for what I was to encounter. Simply saying it's pretty steeped in Japanese culture, for example, really doesn't get across just how different it is from most games.

Okami is very Japanese. It doesn't so much embrace the culture as take a photograph and wear it as a mask, claiming that this is it's real face. The character designs, the levels, the dialogue, the menus, the gameplay, everything is as Japanese as you can get without going over there and ordering a round of sake. And this, I feel, is it's biggest flaw, because as you're starting the game, it's just overwhelming. There's no respite, save for a wacky 'sidekick' of the American persuasion, and even he seems to be a Japanese version of a spunky partner. There's so much to take in all at once, you can't simply ignore it - you have to embrace it. Once you do so though, there's a brilliant game lurking underneath.

Rather then play as the standard action hero #4,562, you actually play the reincarnation of a god, taking the form of a White Wolf. As such, you don't use weapons in the standard fare. Your basic attack is a simple headbutt, while your major assaults will be made by using a paintbrush to 'paint' the attack you wish to use. Again, it's a lot to take in at first, and it will confuse you to begin with, but once you get the hang of it, you'll start to really enjoy the different style of gameplay.

The most important aspect of any game like this is the combat, and it works fairly well, though there's a few minor niggles. Holding B to ready your brush and then moving the remote while pressing A to actually paint your move works great once you get the hang of it, though making the B button a toggle rather then a holding option would have made things a bit easier on the hand. Also, sometimes the game has trouble recognising some of the moves you make, and the close combat, which requires you to shake your remote to do the headbutt move, is a very finicky tactic I have yet to master, despite playing the game for hours.

Graphically, the cell shading looks good at first, but after a while the odd character designs and interesting application of the art style will cause people to rethink their stance. Unlike other games using similar techniques (Zelda: Wind Waker is the obvious example), this game does actually seem to age, and it hasn't done so as well as it could have done. The low resolution, presumably carried over from the original PS2 version of the game, certainly doesn't help the cause, and the odd cases of pop-up, where plants and animals suddenly appear about a meter in front of you while on the move, are more jarring then anything else.

The plot, while having a very Japanese twist, is little more then 'the bad guys were sealed up in the past, seal has been broken, go beat them back again' fare that many games have, but there's enough charm and personality behind it to keep you going, even if it is just to see where the supposed village hero pops up next, and he's a cliché himself. The people who inhabit the villages and fields you visit all have a personality, and you never mind helping them, out with the problems they have, but after a while it'll dawn on you that these are little more than the fetch quests of old. It's never enough to make you stop playing, but there's a distinct feeling of deja vu through a fair bit of the game.

Oddly, the game seem custom made for the Wii, even though the console wasn't out when the game was first released. There may be a few problems, and the actual gameplay itself may not be as revolutionary as it claims to be, but in the end there's a great game buried here. It's just a shame there's so much Japanese smothering it.

Ben There, Dan That! and Time Gentlemen, Please! (Review)

2009-07-30T12:46:00.003+01:00

Another review, this time of two games. As the first paragraph says, I was craving more adventure-game goodness after the slight disappointment of The Secret of Monkey Island: Special Edition (which, again, was severly hampered by the poor control scheme), and I somehow stumbled upon Ben There, Dan That!, which I loved.

As the games are made by a small indie developer, they ask people to spread the word. I decided to do so by writing a review which I submitted to be a featured review on The Escapist. I haven't heard back, so I don't think it'll actually amount to anything, but the Ben from 'Dan and Ben' was thankful nonetheless. Nice to be appreciated, even if it's just for praising something awesome.

I first heard about Ben There, Done That in an article in PCGamer UK, where one of the game's authors wrote an interesting article about its creation. I never bothered to actually try the game, but after playing the recent Monkey Island remake, I developed a taste for classic adventure gaming, and during my searches for good free games, stumbled upon Zombie Cow Studios and their two adventure titles, Ben There, Done That and it's sequel, Time Gentlemen, Please!

The games follow the escapades of two characters, paradoxically called Ben and Dan after the pair primarily responsible for making the games, and details their various misadventures through time, space and parallel dimensions, all with a very twisted sense of style and humour along the way. Not only do they alter the very fabric of reality, they also reboot a robot, stuff a kitten down an exhaust tube, cause a miniature Death Star to fry a dinosaur, help a videogame Hitler to escape a prison cell, travel through the rear end of a cow and cause a man to be repeatedly shot... in the cock.

If any of this sounds offensive to you, chances are that these games are not for you. Which is a real shame, as they're brilliant. The sheer amount of charm the central characters exude more then compensates for any distasteful actions they, and by extension you, take. These may be some of the most offensive adult games you'll have played, but they're also absolutely hilarious, far more so then many other so-called 'comedy' titles released in the last few years.

One of the major factors crucial to this is the writing. Having to get past a Priest by killing him would seem cruel, even offensive if taken straight. Doing so by not only whacking him over the head with his own bible, but then expressing a forlorn hope that he's just sleeping (when really, you're not fooling anyone, not even yourself), and then developing that action even further by turning the act of inadvertently killing people while trying to get things from them into a running joke takes a LOT of balls. Thankfully the writers manage it with aplomb, and that's not even the worst they have to throw at us. The darkest side of humour is evident throughout the game, but because everything is played for laughs, it's actually surprisingly difficult to become offended at the actions taken by Ben and Dan. The cheeky grins and dry comments offered by the two really endear them to you, and it's hard to hate a pair of lovable scamps, even if they do swear a tad too often.

Also taking a large amount of the edge off of things are the graphics. While the two leads both starts as something seeming incredibly basic, they very quickly grow on you, and you'll find that their oddly distinct animations make them hard to hate, even as they inadvertently poison someone via the gift of toilet cakes. While the characters may look basic though, the backgrounds are almost works of art, featuring the most insane images being lovingly rendered at jaded angles and straight lines. It's a wonderful throwback to games such as Day of the Tentacle, though with the additional of new-fangled flashy effects, TGP! frequently manages to look even better. A great example of this is the opening sequence - the rain coming down over a now devastated London (accidentally brought about by the lead character's actions, naturally) looks absolutely stunning, and really push the AGS engine used by both games to new limits.

One of the other aspects of the games is the puzzles, often the make-or-break factor of adventure games. Fortunately they have a twisted sense of logic behind them, even if they are deliciously freakish at times. BTDT is a tad hard in places, but given enough time, even the most obscure barriers can be overcome, if only through the time old method of 'pick up everything not bolted down and combine it all with everything else'. TGP! features similar puzzles, but the dialogue from the lead characters will often nudge you in the right direction, drawing your attention to items that can be picked up or nudging you about certain things you should try. It's a sort of in-game hint system that you can't turn off, and though you'll occasionally know that you should do something, more often then not you'll appreciate being told to try a different inventory item instead of the one you're currently attempting to use, or that the other character is capable of doing something that the current one is not.

Musically the games both feature a surprisingly rich score, featuring an appropriately rocking theme tune. The majority of the music is upbeat and, while not exactly memorably, certainly fitting with the locations. Again, it's better in the second game then the first, but only just. Both titles have an impressive amount of mileage to them, which is especially surprising given that most AGS games are relatively simple, featuring rather basic tunes or stuff ripped from different sources. The music here is all new, all fresh and all awesome.

The first game, Been There, Dan That, is absolutely free, so you've got no excuses WHATSOEVER. The second game, Time Gentlemen, Please!, is not, but it's only £2.99 (£3.35 including VAT, which the boys shockingly didn't mention you'd need to pay..!), which is around $5ish. If you do the math, that's WAY less then the Monkey Island remake, and at about 3-5 hours each, they'll last you as long, if not longer then LucasArt's effort. Go and get them already, I want to see a third one.

The Secret of Monkey Island: Special Edition (Review)

2009-07-24T17:26:00.004+01:00

I'd really hoped that this review would get more attention then it actually did. It's one of the few negative ones out there, as I mention at the end of it. Stupid nostalgia, clouding everyone's judgement...

One note - I was playing the PC version of the game, and it was £6.99 on Steam. It also represented the first time I'd paid money for a brand-new game in quite some time. What can I say? I'm a massive cheapskate.

The Secret of Monkey Island: Special Edition

And so LucasArts goes full circle. Having been reduced from a once well known and respected company to becoming second only to EA for franchise-murdering, they've decided to try their hand at starting over and remaking one of their most beloved classics. Only they haven't, really. Just splashed a bunch of paint over it and hoped we wouldn't notice.

I'm going to mention the positives first, because they're what I paid my £6.99 for. The most impressive feature, right from the off, is the new graphics, which look stunning. The backgrounds are nothing short of beautiful, and the character redesigns all fit the characters perfectly. The music is also fantastic, and the tunes have never sounded better. Having the game being fully voiced is also a major boon, and the characters really do benefit from this, making the dialogue come alive in places. Finally, it's quite possibly the most faithful remake anyone has ever made, with absolutely no changes to the script or story whatsoever. For better or worse, this is exactly the same game people first played back in 1990.

Right. That's that over with - let's start nit-picking.

One of the major problems I have with the game is the fact that, aside from the voices, it doesn't make use of any of the advances made in adventure games over the 20-odd years since the original was released. This was presumably a concious decision to make the game as faithful as possible, but in the end the stupid idea to create the Special Edition on top of the original creates more problems then nostalgia can overcome.

As a result of the game essentially being built upon the old SCUMM engine, the characters which looked so good in screenshots fall apart whenever they move, because they all have a limited number of frames for each particular action. As a result, their movements all look stiff and unrealistic, making the game seem like a particularly well-made fan game. You'll adjust to Guybrush's movements pretty quickly since they're the best ones, but it's the other characters that cause concern. Take the pirate swinging from the chandelier at the SCUMM bar. A few more frames would have made the animation look much better, but instead the whole thing just feels flat and rushed.

The dialogue also suffers from a similar problem - while the lines are all well delivered, there can be a brief pause between lines lasting anything up to two seconds. The dialogue's simply being delivered faster then the game thinks it should be, much like games translated from other languages. And, rather stupidly, you cannot skip lines of dialogue in the new version, despite it being an option in the original. This is an utterly inexcusable omission, particularly since the target audience of the game will be people who have played the original and may want to skip certain sections of dialogue. This will likely become a problem as you learn the art of sword-fighting, and get tired of hearing the same lines over and over - the only way to skip them is to switch to the classic view and then press the period button. If they could include the option in the old version of the game, why not the new one?

The most shocking oversight though is that the new interface, where you have to press different keyboard buttons to bring up both command or inventory screens, is incredibly fiddly to use. If you want to use an item in your inventory with someone or something, you have to press a button to bring up the command menu, press another button to select give/use, then a third button to bring up the inventory, a fourth button to select an item, and then a fifth button to actually use the item. While this may work well for the XBox version of the game, when it comes to the PC version, this is a ludicrously tedious way of doing things, and compared to most other adventure games these days, it just seems overtly complicated.

A good example of this is freeing Otis from jail at the end of the first act, where you transfer grog between gradually melting mugs. Because you have to keep bringing up different screens, you end up going through the above-mentioned process several times in quick succession, making the whole process even more convoluted then it was originally, which even the most ardent fan of the series will find hard to overlook. While it helps having the same keyboard shortcuts as the original (S for Push and Y for Pull*, for example), it's not an acceptable replacement for a flawed control scheme.

While being able to flip between old and new editions of the game is a nice idea, I can almost guarantee that the feature will hardly ever be used, and even when it is, it'll mostly be to compare the two versions. If the developers hadn't included this feature and instead just created a new engine for the remake, a huge number of the problems I have with the game could have been avoided.

Sadly, this is a textbook case of how not to do a remake. Other such games, like Bionic Commando: Rearmed, only changed the basics such as graphics, leaving the core gameplay aspects untouched. With this title, they've updated things that didn't need to be altered, and they did so in such a way as to make the game more complicated as a result. All of which means, as much as I want to, I simply can't recommend this.

Addendum: Out of curiosity, I figured I'd have a look at other reviews to see what others thought of this. Amazingly, I could only find one other review that mentioned the awkward control scheme, along with the other problems I picked up on. Nostalgia really is more powerful then I thought.

*S for Shove and Y for Yank. I'm really showing my age by knowing that.

MySims Racing (Review)

2009-07-24T17:22:00.004+01:00

Yep, it's another review. This one starts the trend of me writing shorter reviews, though it sure as hell didn't feel short at the time. But then again, they never do, do they?

Minor note - this is a review of the Wii game. I don't technically own a DS, so haven't been able to try that version. Not that I'd want to - I don't think the DS does racing games very well. Adventures or RPGs though...

MySims Racing

The first and most important thing to remember about the MySims series is that it's made by EA, which explains a great deal. Taking an idea and running it into the ground is hardly a fresh concept with the company, after all. But they seemed to have grasped that just releasing the same thing a hundred times over isn't winning them many friends, so the MySims series features different types of games that happen to use the same cutesy graphics and oddly likeable characters.

The MySims series has been going for a few years now, and it's changed from its original design of 'The Sims, but cuter' to being 'Every other game, but cuter'. MySims Kingdom was a RTS with no battles, MySims Party was a minigame collection, and now we have MySims Racing, which doesn't even try to disguise the fact that it desperately wants to be Mario Kart with a plot.

Right from the off, the first hurdle any racing game has to overcome is the gameplay one. There's a lot of kart-based racing games out there, only most of which are trying to be Mario Kart. MySims Racing actually manages to pull off the hard feat of being almost, if not as much fun as Nintendo's premier multiplayer series. The primary aspect of the game, the titular 'racing' part, is honed down to a fine tee, with power-ups not dissimilar to Mario Kart (although much more fair - there's no Blue Shell equivalent, so you'll rarely be punished for daring to be in first place), vehicles which handle extremely well and a series of tracks complete with shortcuts and boost pads, just like every other kart game ever.

The actual physics of the cars is surprisingly tight, with unlockable parts for your vehicles, which let you customize it's handling, top speed, acceleration and weight. All these factors play a key part in gameplay - having a heavier car will means you can steer better and bash into others, while being smaller means you can zip ahead much quicker and maintain a faster pace. As you unlock newer parts, you'll be able to improve some of your vehicle's stats, but will have to lower others. It's a fine balancing act, and it adds a bit of tactical depth to the game.

That said, customization is the norm in these sort of games, so rather then getting genuinely useful parts for your cars, you generally unlock extras instead, such as different types of headlamps, or oddly random items that go on your bonnet (and completely block your view). While some of these items are quite fun, the majority are twee and will never be used, rendering them pointless. Having choice is all well and good, but what's the point if most of the choices are rubbish?

One of the other major features of the game, and the one that'll decide whether you win races or lose them, is the boost system that lets you grab air, collect jewels or just drift round corners to build up a boost bar. It'll take you a while to get used to it, but once you do, you'll find the majority of the game doesn't pose you with any major challenges, and you'll be getting gold medals with only two or three attempts.

For single players, there's actually a pretty well thought out campaign, which has you racing around tracks trying to collect a certain number of items or pass through a series of gates within a time limit, as well as the standard races and time trials. The plot, which is entirely forgettable, will barely cross your mind as you skim across the town map, accepting missions from the townsfolk and try to get gold medals on each one. Compared to Mario Kart's 'here's all the tracks we've made, go race around them a bunch' style of play, MySims is definitely the better game for solo players.

Multiplayer wise, the game is also great fun. There's a wide variety of characters to choose from, each having their own vehicle (Fire Chief Ginny, for example, has a Fire Truck, while the King has a very regal-looking car), the tracks are nicely varied and there's no cheap attacks - winning is mostly down to skill, no luck. If you have your own character on a different machine, you can store it in the remote and bring it over to another Wii, which is a nice touch, but it doesn't excuse the biggest failing - there's no online aspect to the game at all. Considering how much fun online play is in Mario Kart, it's disappointing that MySims Racing doesn't even try anything similar.

Overall, this is actually a pretty solid title, and though I'm a little loathe to admit it, I prefer it to Mario Kart - in the single player aspect of things. The lack on online multiplayer really does hinder the game, but if you've got some friends who don't mind coming over, you'll have a lot of fun with this title.

Opposing Force and Blue Shift (Review)

2009-07-24T17:02:00.002+01:00

And on our left, we have another review. Well, technically reviews, but hush. This is probably the most altered review I have, since it received a fair few comments pointing out potential improvements I could make. The original review had a few awkward starts to paragraphs ('As well as', for example) and also included me essentially rephrasing the quote from the Blue Shift Unlocked team right after the quote itself. Oops. I also included a few more paragraphs, giving a bit more back-story to Half-Life and expanding on the new allies in OpForce, and finally the addendum at the end of the whole thing.

It's much better as a result. Honest.

Back in 1998, Valve released what is considered by many as the greatest game ever. Half-Life was, and indeed still is, an impressive title that featured an excellently realized story, friendly characters you actually cared about, a variety of challenging enemies and an interesting mixture of weapons. Valve's decision to never leave the First Person perspective meant that you literally controlled the protagonist, Gordon Freeman, all the way through the game, which in hindsight is a decision that would change the way games were played.

While in previous titles games would often use cutscenes to convey the story, here you didn't have that luxury, instead living through the events as they happened, barely able to pause for breath. As a result, you not only felt a surprisingly deep connection with the lead character, you really felt for the other characters who were caught up in the desperate struggle to survive as well. The game revolutionised the FPS genre, and had many fans desperate for more. Fortunately, more was exactly what they got.

Opposing Force

Opposing Force is one of three official add-ons for Half-Life (the others being Blue Shift and Decay, the latter of which was never officially released on the PC, though did make it eventually in the form of a fan-made port), all of which were made by Gearbox Software. They were also responsible for a significant amount of work on Counter-Strike: Condition Zero, though their name doesn't actually appear on the box. Opposing Force was their first release though, and while their subsequent work may have varied in quality somewhat, it's particularly impressive how they echoed Valve by making their début title an excellent one.

Rather then follow the established tradition of continuing the adventures of the lead character from the original game, as most other game expansions of the time did, OpForce instead focuses on a different character entirely, one Corporal Adrian Shepard, who would be considered one of the bad guys in the first game. The other twist is that is takes place at the same time as the original game, and you can even catch a glimpse of Gordon Freeman at times.

While playing through as a US Marine killing scientists and guards may be fun, it'd also be very easy, given your arsenal, which has been expanded to include several new military weapons, such as a Sniper Rifle and a SAW. So as well as a new alien race, Race X, there are also new human enemies, the Black Ops, who are there to clean up the Marines, who have failed themselves to clean up the original Xen aliens. Told in this summarised format it may seem a little complicated, but in the context of the game it's told well and makes sense.

The gameplay is essentially the same as Half-Life, but since HL was one of the best games of its kind, it's hard to fault the expansion for being more of the same with a few minor improvements, which is what its target audience wanted. There are a few new features, such as the ability to climb ropes and use other soldiers for different purposes, but for the most part it's still the same old game - the majority of the models are the same and the voice actors from the original are all dragged back to record new lines, so it really does feel like you're back in Black Mesa.

Since you're a Corporal now, it'd only make sense that you have others under your command. While in the original Half-Life you could only have the one security guard tag along with you on occasion, here you can command squads of up to four other soldiers, each of whom have their uses. The medic can be used to heal you or other squad members, the engineer can cut through doors and everyone can shoot at the bad guys, though with varying levels of success depending on which weapon they carry. Keeping these guys alive isn't as much of a trial as it was in the original game, as they can better look after themselves, allowing you to focus on the enemy rather then keeping them safe. It adds a more tactical feel to fights whenever you encounter them, and helps to make the game feel more fresh.

It's not just the soldiers who have variety - there's also Otis, a new addition to the Black Mesa Security Team. Essentially a more entertaining version of the already existing security guards, Otis is shorter, fatter and more amusing then normal, and packs a Desert Eagle as opposed to his colleagues simple pistol. While his presence is certainly appreciated, mostly thanks to his improved fire-power, it's also a curiosity, as almost all the lines he has are just sillier versions of what his partner says. Essentially, he's a comical character in an otherwise serious game, which is just as bizarre as it sounds. You could almost imagine his team-mate actually existing, but Otis seems more a cliché then anything else, and doesn't quite work as well as he could have. A more serious character would have been more appropriate, but it's a small flaw in an otherwise impressive diamond.

With hindsight, it's not too much a leap of the imagination to say that Race X is an advanced invasion force for the Combine, but at the time no-one at Gearbox knew what Valve had planned, and it's a shame that Valve have subsequently claimed that the two (or three) mods that Gearbox produced are not canon, as this really is an excellent piece of work that raises the bar on what an expansion should be, and it's one that every Half-Life fan should try.

Blue Shift

Blue Shift is the second add-on for Half-Life produced by Gearbox Software, and was originally intended to accompany the Dreamcast port of Half-Life. In the end though, that port was cancelled (even though it was essentially finished, as a leaked version of the game revealed), and Blue Shift was eventually given a stand-alone release for reasons of laziness.

As the developers of the Blue Shift Unlocked mod would later say: The BSP map file format was a little different than the standard PC format. Gearbox never converted it back to the PC format, instead opting to use their modified version of the Half-Life engine when they released it for the PC. This meant that the Blue Shift maps were not compatible with the normal Half-Life engine.

As a result of this, the whole package feels like it deserves more respect then it's actually earned. If Blue Shift had been released as a mod, this might have been more favourably received and looked at in a better light, but instead it was a stand-alone title, and so falls short on several counts.

One of the main reasons is the fact that it does little new from the original Half-Life. While a change to the armour system is interesting, it amounts to little more then a return to the old 'collecting armour shards' system that Half-Life had moved beyond. The only other real change is the fact that you now have to escort a scientist, Doctor Rosenburg, through the last third of the game, which is handled as well as it could be within the limits of the engine. But escort quests have never been appreciated by players, and this is no exception.

The rest of the game essentially plays out like the original Half-Life, only in new locations. While there's nothing technically wrong with this, it's literally more of the same, and having been spoiled by Opposing Force, players had come to expect more. While the levels are designed well (with the exception of a sole misaligned texture), there's nothing special or particularly unique about them, and they could have come from almost any well-made fan mod. There's no new weapons this time round, for example, and after being spoiled with the increased armoury in OpForce, this came as something of a let-down, though it's easily explained - you're a security guard, you've no need for anything more advanced then a pistol. There's no mention of the Race X enemies either, and this can't really be explained, except to say that Blue Shift was developed for a medium that didn't include OpForce (the Dreamcast port of Half-Life), and there was no need to include anything from it. While it makes sense from a technical point of view, it definitely left fans feeling cold.

The voice actors return once again, but there's something slightly off about them, as if they're almost being dragged back and forced to do their lines. They're recognisably the same people, but there's a certain something in their voice that means they don't quite match up to the extremely high quality of the original Half-Life, which is a shame. The new security guard lines make the character sound bored (which, given the situation in which they're used, may actually be appropriate), the typical scientists just sound condescending and the man playing Rosenburg is the only one who seems to put any energy into his lines, but unfortunately you'll get tired of his constant 'let's go!' tone rather quickly.

The main draw of the game, ironically, isn't the add-on itself but the HD pack included, which updates the majority of the models from the original Half-Life, Opposing Force and Blue Shift to the higher definition versions made for the Dreamcast port. The change really is impressive, and though it's rendered obsolete by fan-made models being even better, at the time is was a massive step up in quality and I'm sure tempted many a player to replay the games. For me the most impressive change was the shotgun, which also had the sounds for it changed - it went from a lousy 'pew' to a massive 'BOOM!' making it incredibly satisfying.

While there's nothing technically wrong with Blue Shift, it was simply marketed wrong. If it had been properly converted into a standard mod rather then a stand-alone title I'm sure more people would have looked on it favourably. Ultimately though, it wasn't, and people didn't.

Addendum

I chose to review these two mods because I started a thread in another forum* asking for games to review. Someone suggested Opposing Force, so I said 'How about I do that and Blue Shift?', and then promptly did so without even waiting for an answer. As mentioned, Gearbox did make a third add-on for Half-Life. entitled Decay, though given that it was a co-op mod developed for the PS2 version of Half-Life, this was never officially released for the PC. Never underestimate the fans though - they eventually ported it themselves.

The style of add-on that Gearbox perfected led to some impressive fan mods following a similar story-telling technique - allowing the player to take control of another character who has to survive the events of the whole Black Mesa disaster. A few of these that I would recommend are Case Closed, Cleaner's Adventures (which I'm working on an English patch for), Escape (Part 1, Part 2), Operation: Nova, Residual Point, Visitors and HL Zombie Edition.

*Yep, the same small-knit forum I mention in my other posts.

Sam & Max - Insolence and Paranoia (Comic)

2009-07-21T15:30:00.004+01:00

Been a while since I last posted. Not for lack of writing stuff, though. Just plain ol' idleness. I've written a bunch of reviews, not all of which are positive, but before I get to those, I thought I'd share this Sam & Max comic I made using the Telltale comic maker, which is still available at their website here. I basically made about seven different parts, copy=pasted them into Paint Shop Pro and then saved the resulting image. If I wasn't afraid of sounding like a self-important philistine, I'd say it was way better then most of the crap everyone else makes (it totally is though). Enjoy.

The Legend of Zelda - Chronicles of Time (Article)

2009-06-25T22:42:00.003+01:00

The Legend of Zelda games have one of the most confusing timelines in video game history - if they even have one at all. Nintendo haven't given us one, and the best they've given us Miyamoto saying that Ocarina of Time is at the very beginning of it all. Besides that, there's not a whole lot to go on. Some games are definately sequels to others - Majora's Mask is a sqeuel to Ocarina, for example, or Phantom Hourglass comes right after Wind Waker. Coupled together with some theories from Zelda Legends, I came up with my own timeline. Even if it's completely different from what you think, it's an interesting read.

Note that this was written before Phantom Hourglass came out, so there's no mention of it, Twilight Princess or the forthcoming (at time of writing) Spirit Tracks. Placing them into the timeline isn't too difficult though - PH goes right after WW, Spirit Tracks can (temporarily) go after PH, and TP can fit in several places, but I'm gonna go with between the Minish Cap and Wind Waker.

Remember - this is merely my personal opinion, and is in no way conclusive. If Nintendo decide to give out a timeline and it's totally different then mine, I'll concede to their wisdom (it is their franchise, after all), but until they do, this is the order I'll play the games in if (or, indeed, when) I decide to do so again.

According to legend, at the beginning of time the golden goddesses Din, Nayru and Farore create the world of Hyrule and all the life forms in it. Before departing for the heavens, they leave behind their gift to the world: the Triforce, three golden triangles that can grant their holder's greatest wish. A Golden Land begins to flourish around the Triforce's hiding-place, and the Triforce beckons to people from the outside world, in hopes of finding somebody worthy of its power.

The Hylia, the chosen people of the goddesses, settle in various parts of the world, passing on their knowledge and magical lore to many people. 1000 years after the goddesses visit, the kingdom of Hyrule is founded in the small land south of Death Mountain. The Triforce is possibly used by these ancient people.

Over time, great sages, including Rauru, the Sage of Light, realize that the Triforce poses a hazard if it falls into the wrong hands. They hide the Triforce in the Golden Land, and seal the entrance. The Triforce now rests in the Temple of Light in the middle of the Sacred Realm, and the entrance to the Sacred Realm is sealed by the Master Sword, which rests in the Temple of Time in the kingdom of Hyrule. After this has been done, the sages begin compiling the Book of Mudora, which chronicles all the legends and myths in Hyrule. It is finally completed almost 1000 years later.

By this time, after being so preoccupied with the Book of Mundora, not even the Sages know where the Triforce is hidden. Lust for the Triforce's power is strong, and the people of Hyrule, suspicious that one group or another is hiding the Triforce, attack each other. Hyrule is engulfed by a fierce civil war.

The very first Link and Zelda are born in Hyrule. To escape the fires of the war, Link's mother takes him to the forbidden forest, where she dies from injuries sustained while fleeing. Following her dying wish, the Great Deku Tree takes him in, and he is raised a Kokiri.

After many years, the King of Hyrule manages to cease the fighting, and a time of peace takes effect as the King attempts to unite Hyrule. Ganondorf, the King of the Gerudo thieves, secretly continues to search for the Triforce.

Events of Ocarina of Time - Link, now a young boy, leaves the Kokiri Forest on a quest to stop Ganondorf's plot to enter the Sacred Realm. Link opens the entrance to the Sacred Realm by drawing the Master Sword, but his spirit is sealed away for seven years until he is old enough to be the Hero of Time. Meanwhile, Ganondorf and his band of thieves enter the Sacred Realm. Ganondorf gains the Triforce of Power, and uses it to become Mandrag Ganon, King of the Enchanted Thieves. The Triforce of Wisdom goes to Princess Zelda, and the Triforce of Courage goes to Link. As Ganon builds his power, Hyrule is consumed by a great darkness.

While Link sleeps, Ganon takes the opportunity to conquer Hyrule and set himself up as the Evil King of Hyrule. Upon awakening seven years later, Link claims his birthright as the Hero of Time. Freeing the Sages, he defeats Ganondorf. Ganondorf transforms into Ganon, but Link holds Ganon off long enough for the Sages to seal him in the Sacred Realm. Zelda sends Link back in time, hoping to alter the timeline and prevent Ganondorf's rule.

Having travelled back to the point where he first meets Zelda, Link warns her of Ganon's intentions and successfully prevents him from entering the Sacred Realm and gaining the Triforce. Having saved Hyrule, Link departs to find his beloved friend Navi, taking the Triforce of Courage with him and leaving the Triforce of Wisdom with Zelda. When he leaves Hyrule however, the Triforce of Courage splits apart and is scattered all over Hyrule. It is hidden carefully away in numerous treasure chests.

Events of Majora's Mask - In the midst of his journey, Link encounters a skull-mask wearing child, and after losing his Ocarina to the child, chases him into the parallel world of Termina. He discovers that the moon is going to crash into the world in three days time, but after recovering the Ocarina of Time, Link finds that he can jump back to the point of time when he first appeared in Termina. Using this ability, he saves Termina from the moon and from the power of Majora's Mask, the entity that the child who stole his Ocarina was wearing. After this, Link continues on his search for Navi.

While Link is away, the King of Hyrule orders the tainted Golden Land sealed, but Ganon's army attacks the castle. As the Knights defend the Sages from Ganon's monsters, the Seven Sages seal Ganon inside the Golden Land. This battle comes to be known as the Imprisoning War in later centuries.

During this new period of peace, another great evil by the name of Vaati besieged the land of Hyrule. Vaati could bend the wind to his will and used this to kidnap any beautiful girls who caught his fancy. Many knights from the castle and other brave men set out to subdue the sorcerer and rescue the girls, but each one fell in turn to Vaati's awesome power. Just when all hope was lost, a lone young boy, travelling with little but a sword at his side, given to him by the mystical race called the Picori, appeared and mystically trapped the evil sorcerer inside the blade of his sword. The people were so grateful to the young boy and the Picori who empowered him that they began to hold a great festival in their honour once a year. However, as time passed, the Picori soon became nothing more then a legend.

Events of Four Swords Adventures - Hundereds of years later, the current Princess Zelda of Hyrule, along with her great companion Link, were out playing in the woods when they stumbled upon a holy shrine. Inside they found the sword which contained Vaati and, not knowing the danger of their actions, released him. Vaati, enraged at being caged for so long, kidnapped the Princess and sealed Link inside the shrine. A mysterious voice appeared and prompted Link to take hold of the sword. Upon doing so, his body shattered into four pieces, each forming a complete copy of him. With this, the four Links reopened the shrine and rescued Princess Zelda, defeating Vaati once again. Once the task was completed, the four Links returned to one, and he replaced the sword in the shrine.

Events of The Minish Cap - Several years passed, and the time came for the yearly celebration of the Picori. This year, however, was different, for it was rumored that 'just once in every one hundred years, a secret door opens and the Picori come to visit', and this was the hundred year celebration. To commemorate the occasion, a sword-fighting tournament was held, and the champion was a man who used the name of Vaati, believing it to empower him after Zelda's ordeal. Although he defeats his challengers with ease, not a single person knows the shadowy figure. As Link races to deliver Vaati with with his prize - a sword - Vaati casts a vast spell upon the castle and turns everyone within to stone.

Somehow, Link avoids sharing this fate, and vows to restore Princess Zelda and the others to normal. Revisiting the shrine to reclaim the mysterious sword, he also meets a talking hat by the name of Ezlo. Ezlo grants Link the power to shrink in size, which allows Link to meet the Picori, where he discovers that Vaati is in fact a wayward Picori. Using this knowledge, Link is able to defeat Vaati and restore the castle to normal.

Hundreds of years pass, and Ganon's power is returned to him. He kills the descendants of the seven sages, allowing him to escape from the Dark World back into Hyrule. He covers Hyrule with darkness, and kills the sages who were giving the Master Sword its power. Ganon builds a tower and an army in preparation to take over Hyrule. The people wait for the Hero of Time to return, but he never does.

Ganon's army attacks Hyrule Castle. In their last desperate hour, the people of Hyrule pray to the gods. The gods decide to bury Hyrule under torrential rains. The people of Hyrule are ordered to take refuge on mountaintops. The Master Sword forms a seal freezing Hyrule in time, and keeping Ganon's power sealed away. Hyrule, along with the doorway to the Picori, is buried at the bottom of the ocean, and life begins anew on islands formed from Hyrule's mountaintops. A piece of the Triforce of Wisdom is given to the descendants of the Royal Family, and they are charged with guarding it. The King remains below, waiting for a day when Hyrule can be revived, charged with finding a hero in case Ganon is revived.

On Outset Island, Link, a boy unrelated to the Hero of Time is born. A girl is also born to a great female pirate captain, and is named Tetra. 10 years later, Ganon is revived once again, and is able to make a portal leading to the surface world. Taking over the Forsaken Fortress, he sends his servants over the ocean in search of the missing pieces of the Triforce.

Events of The Wind Waker - Link celebrates his coming-of-age, but his younger sister Aryll is kidnapped by one of Ganondorf's servants, confusing her for Tetra. Asking for help from Tetra's pirates, Link tries to invade the Forsaken Fortress, but is thrown from the tower. A mysterious boat rescues him, and leads him on a quest to get the Master Sword, the only blade that can defeat Ganon. After collecting three pearls, and passing the test of the gods, a portal appears, leading to the frozen world of Hyrule beneath the waves. Link takes the Master Sword from Hyrule Castle, but this releases the seal, unfreezing Hyrule and releasing Ganon's full power. Link saves his sister with the help of the pirates, but the Master Sword has no effect on Ganondorf. Tetra, the young female captain of the pirates, and Link are rescued and taken to Hyrule. There, the King of Hyrule reveals that Tetra is actually Princess Zelda, and gives her the rest of the Triforce of Wisdom. The King was the guiding force behind the boat. He leads Link on a quest to return the power of evil's bane to the Master Sword, and to find the hidden Triforce of Courage shards.

Armed with these weapons, Link arrives back in Hyrule to discover that Zelda has been kidnapped. Breaking Ganon's barrier around Hyrule Castle, he climbs Ganon's Tower. At the top, Ganondorf is able to steal the other two pieces of the Triforce from Link and Zelda. But before he can touch the united Triforce, the King touches it and wishes for Hyrule to be buried under the waves for good. Link and Zelda defeat Ganondorf, turning him to stone when Link sticks the Master Sword in his head. But Hyrule is buried under water, and Link and Tetra must now find a new land to call Hyrule.

All does not end well, however. After a great deal of time, Ganon is revived. Since the Triforce was buried with Hyrule, Ganon finds all the pieces and claims them for himself. But he is sealed away in the Dark World when seven new sages are found. Several years after a new Link and Zelda are born, many disasters suddenly plague the new Hyrule.

Events of A Link To The Past - Agahnim appears in Hyrule, stops the disasters, and is made one of the King's top advisers. He secretly overthrows the King, and begins sending the descendants of the Sages into the Dark World, in a plot to free Ganon. Zelda contacts Link, the Legendary Hero, telepathically. Link fights Agahnim, but Agahnim is able to break the Seven Sages' Seal. Link goes on to save all of the maidens from the Dark World. He completely destroys Ganon, and claims the united Triforce. Link uses the Triforce to do much good.

Events of Link's Awakening - The people of Hyrule fear what evils may arise from Ganon's ashes. Ever diligent, Link leaves on a journey of enlightenment, that he might better protect Hyrule. After several months, Link's journey now complete, he begins sailing back to Hyrule. However, a sudden squall destroys his ship, and Link drifts to the island of Koholint. There he defeats Nightmares to gather together eight Instruments and wake the Wind Fish. Koholint Island disappears, and Link is left once again with the flotsam of his ship. He drifts back to Hyrule, and the united Triforce is placed in the Hyrule Castle. As it rests, it watches over Hyrule.

Centuries later, Twinrova masterminds a plot to revive Ganon. By sending Onox to Holodrum and Veran to Labrynna, she plans to light the three flames of Sorrow, Destruction, and Despair. This would bring Ganon's spirit back from the beyond, and then Princess Zelda's body would be used to revive Ganon.

Events of Oracle Of Sages and Oracle Of Ages - The Triforce sends the generation's Link on a mission to Holodrum. There, Link is able to defeat Onox, saving Din, the Oracle of Seasons, but nonetheless the Flame of Destruction is lit. After the Triforce sends Link to Labrynna, he prevents Veran from destroying the land, but cannot prevent the Flames of Sorrow and Despair from being lit. Princess Zelda travels alone to Labrynna to help Link. Twinrova kidnaps her, planning to use her pure body to revive Ganon. Link rescues Zelda by defeating Twinrova, but Twinrova sacrifices herself to revive the Evil King. Link defeats Ganon, but Ganon is not banished from the world. After Ganon's defeat, the King of Hyrule uses the Triforce to keep the peace and unite Hyrule.

Before he dies, he hides the Triforce of Courage, and seals it away with a complex magical key. After his death, his son inherits only part of the Triforce. An evil wizard, working with the prince, puts the prince's younger sister, named Zelda, to sleep for refusing to tell them where the rest of the Triforce is. The wizard dies casting this spell, and nobody can wake up Zelda. The prince decrees that every princess in the royal line from then on shall be named Zelda, so this tragedy would not be forgotten.

Many years pass, and Ganon's ashes wake up from their slumber. The world is thrown into an Age of Chaos. Ganon sets himself up as Prince of Darkness, and begins building an army of monsters. At this time, a new Link and Zelda are born.

Events of The Legend Of Zelda - Ganon's army invades Hyrule and steals the Triforce of Power. The current Zelda splits the Triforce of Wisdom and hides the pieces in eight Underworld labyrinths, and Ganon kidnaps her. Impa, Zelda's nursemaid, is sent to find a brave man to fight Ganon. She is almost captured by Ganon's henchmen, but Link saves the day. Link travels through eight underworld labyrinths to reunite the Triforce of Wisdom. Entering Death Mountain and finding the Silver Arrows, he defeats Ganon and takes the Triforce of Power from his ashes.

Events of The Adventure Of Link - Though Link defeated Ganon, Hyrule does not have peace. Ganon's monsters roam the land, and Ganon's ashes can be revived if Link is sacrificed, and his blood sprinkled on the ashes. Link approaches his 16th birthday, and one day the Triforce symbol appears on his hand. Concerned, he goes to see Impa, who tells him about the ancient Princess Zelda, who is still under the sleeping spell. Link recovers the Triforce of Courage from the Great Palace in the Valley of Death, and with the united Triforce awakens Zelda from her ancient sleeping spell, finally bringing peace to Hyrule.

So that's Ocarina Of Time, Majora's Mask, Four Swords (All incarnations), The Minish Cap, Twilight Princess, The Wind Waker, Phantom Hourglass, Spirit Tracks, A Link To The Past, Link's Awakening, Oracle Of Sages, Oracle Of Ages, The (original) Legend Of Zelda and Link's Adventure if you want to give it a play. Have fun, and if possible play the Neverwinter Nights versions of the last two - it's a bit more fun and a LOT prettier. The Legend Of Zelda and Link's Adventure. Note that the latter is not yet finished, but probably will be by the time you finish all the others! Also, if you decide to play, you'll probably want this character, and don't forget to check out the notes at the bottom of the page. Thanks to Neverwinter Vault (not linked - it's already got three of the damn things) for those files, and trust me - they're great fun! Also, if you finish every single game and still want more, check out Zelda Classic for another remake of the original Zelda with support for hundereds of fan quests...

Babes, Bullets, Bombs (Article)

2009-06-25T22:20:00.004+01:00

Having gone through my old back-up discs (again), I found my old website, which I'd presumably backed up for prestige or something. One of the features of this site was a Bond Week where I basically posted a different article relating to the Bond series on each weekday. This was one of them.

This is actually a rewrite of the original version of the article, because the original was literally three paragraphs. When I remade the site, I also redid the some of the articles, in order to improve their quality. This is probably the one that benefited the most from this. It was (re)written in 2004, before the Casino Royale film was announced, which explains why Vesper Lynd isn't mentioned.

Ever since Ursula Andress emerged from the sea in the Dr No, the Bond Women have played a major role in Bond films. Along there with the gadgets and the locations, the women are another one of those elements that you have to come expect from a Bond film.

Starting with the very first Bond Girl, Honey Ryder set the standard for the girls who would follow in her footsteps. Despite having her voice dubbed for the film, Ursula Andress made such a striking appearance in Dr No that she not only became an international start but also sent bikini sales soaring after her 'emergence from the sea'. The truth behind the shot was that Ursula had gashed her knee badly on some coral just prior to the shoot and her knee had become badly swollen. Thankfully the film-makers were able to cover the injuries with make up, allowing the scene to go ahead.

Moving on to From Russia With Love, the innocent and naive Tatiana Romanova is played beautifully by Daniela Bianchi, who was a novice actress and former Miss Rome. In a role which required a huge amount of passion, her performance is sincere and totally credible and she remains one of the more memorable of the Bond Women. Although she was actress of the moment, she surprisingly retired from acting only a few years after her success in the film, although she did appear in the Bond spoof Operation Kid Brother. During filming, Daniela was injured in a car crash on the way to the set. Sean Connery, in a car immediately behind her, dragged her from the wreckage. Her face was badly swollen and she was unable to film for two weeks, but her performance on-screen made the wait worthwhile.

Pussy Galore does not appear until well into the story, however the audience's introduction to her is memorable and sets the scene for a wonderful performance by former Avengers star Honor Blackman. Although the lesbian tendancies of Goldfinger's novel were only insinuated in the film version, Blackman plays the role with such passion that it seems much more then that. The mature presence of Blackman (37 at the time of filming, making her the oldest Bond Girl) added immeasurably to ensuring that Pussy Galore became one of the most memorable of all 007's lovers. Additionally, the name became part of the international lexicon and remains so today.

Dominique, or 'Domino' to her friends, is a beautiful, but somewhat morose young woman who serves as the primary Bond Girl for Thunderball, although she does prove herself invaluable by personally killing Largo, the film's villain and her 'jailer'. Claudine Auger, a former Miss France, was an inspired choice for the role of Domino, one of the more complex of the 007 heroines. Auger was not only a stunning beauty, but she satisfactorily conveyed the inner sadness of a pampered, but unloved, young woman caught in a seemingly inescapable web of deceit and danger. Like several other Bond actresses from the earlier films, Auger was dubbed for the final cut.

You Only Live Twice provided audiences with the first 'real' death of a Bond Girl - although several had perished during the course of Goldfinger, the audience barely had time to notice Bond had conquered them before they died. That changed with Aki, who was a 'New Generation' Japanese Secret Service agent. Akiko Wakabayashi played the role with infectious charm, and when she dies it's a genuine shock to the audience, who have grown to like the courageous and resouceful young woman. Interestingly, Akiko was to play the role of Kissy Suzuki, before the director became convinced she was more suitable for the role of Aki. Kissy, unlike Aki, refuses to bed 007 while the mission is in progress - an act which seems all the more strange when the pair are supposed to be on their honeymoon - but is eager to succumb to Bond's charms once the film is over. Mie Hama plays the role of Kissy with considerable charm and the fact that she appears primarily in a bikini provided the publicity department with ample opportunity to capitalize on her stunning figure. Of note is the fact that the name of the character is not mentioned once throughout the entire film.

The enchanting Diana Rigg gave a performance in On Her Majesty's Secret Service which completely silenced those who had criticized the Bond films for having 'bimbos' as conquests. The character of Tracy Di Vicenzo is wonderfully written, drawing almost completely from Ian Fleming's novel and allowing Bond to become involved with an interesting, three-dimensional woman who is intelligent, courageous and humorous. Given her previous experience on The Avengers, Diana truly makes the part her own and it's difficult to imagine anyone else in the part. Tracy is a truly complex character, alternating between a suicidal, love-starved spoiled rich girl and a daring, vivacious adventurer. For once, Bond has truly met his equal in every way imaginable, and the love scenes between the two are moving, adding huge emotional impact to the daring, down-beat climax.

Diamonds Are Forever provides the series with one of the worst examples of Bond Girls, and the character of Tiffany Case helped create the unjustified impression that Bond women's IQs measured less then their bra sizes. When Bond first meets Tiffany, she is hard-edged and intriguing, as befitting a professional smuggler. Unfortunately, this aspect of her personality disappears later in the film, when she becomes naive and easily manipulated by Bond and others. It's difficult to fault Jill St John's performance, as she is playing the role as written. To her credit, she still maintains periodic moments of sensuality. Yet Tiffany Case (named after the diamond store where her unwed mother game birth to her) is a weak leading lady when compared to her predecessors, and her exaggerated ineptitude makes it difficult to accept her as a worthy adversary or lover for James Bond.

A new Bond meant a new direction for the next Bond girl. Like her mother before her, the beautiful and virginal Solitaire is treated like a personal possession. Her unique ability to use tarot cards to predict the future makes her a valuable asset, and one who is largely kept against her will. Although seduced by Bond, a genuine affection builds between the couple, which is largely due to the abilities of the two actors. Jane Seymour made her big screen debut with Live And Let Die and acquits herself admirably, although her talents are somewhat diluted by the script, which makes Solitaire appear to be little more then a glorified Lois Lane. She is the typical helpless female who excels only in getting captured and making the hero risk life and limb to rescue her, although it is to Seymour's credit that the audience doesn't seem to notice this as much as it should.

Regretably, The Man With the Golden Gun focuses on the wrong woman. Of the two women in the film whom Bond seduces, it's Andrea Anders who becomes the sacrificial lamb, something which really should have gone to the other lady in the limelight, Mary Goodnight. The character of Anders is an intriguing and realistic presence in an otherwise outlandish film. The haunted mistress of the film's villain, Anders in willing to risk her life to escape his clutches. Maud Adams gives a strong performance as the tragic woman, bringing a real sense of conviction, not to mention fear, to the role. By comparison, Mary Goodnight, played by Britt Ekland, is portrayed as someone so inept that she makes Inspector Clouseau seem like Sherlock Holmes. The running joke in the film is that Mary's romantic encounters with 007 are never consummated due to various encounters. Britt Eckland performs gamely, but no actress could bring dignity to the role. Interestingly, Maud Adams has the distinction of being the only actress to date to play major characters in 2 Bond films - she also played the title role in Octopussy.

The impact made by Barbara Bach's stunning visual performance as Anya Amasova in The Spy Who Loved Me makes the audience forget her rather shaky Russian accent. Despite having the traditional trappings of the buxom Bond woman, Anya is indeed a new breed of heroine for the series. She is 007's equal in terms of intellect, courage and delf-sufficiency. Given all her attributes, it's no wonder Bond is virtually a one-woman man during the course of the entire mission. The powerful emotion she portrays when she is informed of her lovers demise, and the horrid realisation that it was Bond, to whom she has become close, who killed him, remains testament to the almost-perfect portrayal Bach gives. She remains to this day one of the most beautiful women to ever grace a Bond film.

Bond is spoilt for choice in Moonraker, although only one of his conquests make much of an impact. The character of Corinne Dufour, played with understated charm by French actress Corinne Clery, Corinne is personal assistant/pilot for the main villain. 007 seduces the beautiful girl and persuades her to allow him to photograph secret papers. For her betrayal, she pays a terrible price - a pack of Dobermans are unleashed on her and she is torn to shreds (out of view, thankfully) in a truly harrowing and suspenseful sequence. Although she has little screen time, Corinne makes a substantial impact of audiences, leaving them reeling when she dies. Manuela, the field agent assigned to Rio and assigned to work with Bond, makes it clear from the start that she mixes business with pleasure and, after becoming romantic with Bond almost immediately upon his arrival, the pair investigate a warehouse, during which Manuela - who is obviously more skilled in the boudoir then in the field - barely puts up a token resistance and has to be rescued by Bond. The character makes little impact on audiences and seems to hark back to a time when Bond's women were little more then living dolls. Finally, the main conquest of the film, Dr Holly Goodhead, is intelligently written and Lois Chiles is most satisfactory in the part. Although, refreshingly, it is she who initially treats 007 as a one-night stand, the character is bland and remains one of the least memorable of Bond's on-screen lovers.

For Your Eyes Only starts with a wonderfully shot scene in which Bond pays respects to his late wife from On Her Majesty's Secret Service, an intriguing start to a film which has one of the most fascinating women in a Bond film yet. Melina Havelock, played beautifully by French actress Carole Bouquet, impresses Bond when they first meet by being a strong-willed, courageous woman who is not hesitant about using her proficiency with a crossbow to eliminate her enemies and she plays a vital role in the destruction of the film's villain. Carole plays Melina with genuine conviction, making her character a haunted woman with a mission of vengeance. She and Bond don't even share a romantic moment until the last sequence of the film - an unusual situation for 007, but a scenario that makes the plot much more convincing.

Returning for her second Bond film, Maud Adams plays the title role of Octopussy, one of the best films of Roger Moore's career. Octopussy is already familiar with Bond, having allowed her father to commit suicide rather then face the scandal of a high-profile court martial on charges of theft and murder, and the two become closer still as the film progresses, eventually becoming lovers about halfway through the film. She also demonstrates considerable skill when dealing with the villans of the film, matching them every step of the way. Maud is one of the most accomplished actresses to appear in a Bond film, and exudes considerable chemistry with Moore. With this role, she ensures her status as one of the most memorable of Bond's ladies.

Although A View To A Kill has some very strong characters, Stacey Sutton is not one of them. On the few occasions when Tanya Roberts isn't screaming for help or being chased, her deliverance of lines elicit more laughs then credibility. Despite her stunning screen presence, Tanya can't bring much to the role. Much more effective is Grace Jones in the role of May Day. A humourless but highly sexual woman who relishes dressing in outlandish clothing, she possesses extraordinary strength and is more then efficient in the art of murder. May Day is one of the most original and interesting characters to appear during this era of Bond films, and Grace steals most of the scenes in which she appears - including a very funny one in which she beds Bond but ensures it is she who is on top.

With a new actor playing Bond came a new style to the films, and The Living Daylights proves this with the character of Kara Milovy. A beautiful and talented Czech cellist, Kara is unwittingly betrayed by the one she loves and is tossed around almost like a ragdoll before finally making a stand. Kara is one of the more interesting and believable of Bond's women, being innocent yet brave and fiercely self-sufficient. The role is played with considerable skill by the wonderful Maryan d'Abo, who proved to be a very appropriate leading lady for Timothy Dalton's more serious interpretation of 007.

Although License To Kill was arguably the most controversial of the Bond films, one thing that isn't is the performances of the two leading ladies. Lupe Lamora is the 'kept' woman of the film's villain, and, like Domino from Thunderball, is tired of behind held a virtual captive in the luxurious surroundings of her lover's estate. Model Talisa Soto gives an impressive performance in what could have been a clichéd, one-dimensional plot. Her beauty is accentuated by the eye-popping gowns and dresses she wears throughout the film, a look that makes Pam Bouvier seem her complete opposite. One of the most intriguing of Bond's ladies, Pam is a tough-as-nails courageous freelance pilot who works periodically for the CIA. Although the screenwriters can't resist having her eventually fall madly in love with Bond, her pouting jealousy of 007's involvement with Lupe is the only false note in her characterization. She is excellently played by model/actress Carey Lowell, who brings a refreshing cynicism to her role which ensures that this Bond girl is far more then just an ornament for 007.

Another new Bond and another change of direction for the series. This time the role of Goldeneye's Bond Girl fell to two very different women. The first refreshingly flied in the face of political correctness, and the character of Xenia Onatopp harkend back to the glory days of Bond villainesses. Larger then life and played with enormous zeal by Famke Janssen, Xenia stands out in every respect. A ravishing beauty, she combines her love for S&M sex with her penchant for murder. The scenes between Xenia and Bond are very well written and feature the type of double entrendres that were so much a part of the Connery era, all of which is in complete contrast to Natalya Simonova, who is very much a heroine for the 1990s: independent, courageous and cynical, and she is played very capably by the popular Swedish actress and singer Izabella Scorupco. Of particular note is the scene where she questions what Bond does for a living, which is one of the most moving and memorable of the series.

Tomorrow Never Dies provides Bond with two more beautiful women, although they're both on his side this time. Teri Hatcher was a truly inspired choice for the limited, but very important role of the tragic Paris Carver. She looks absolutely stunning and is attired in glamorous outfits which accentuate the sensuality of her scenes with Pierce Brosnan. Their love scene, in which Bond tenderly disrobes her, is one of the most truly erotic sequences of any of the films, aided by the fact that Bond genuinely cares for this woman. His despair over discovering her body is an unusually moving moment and accentuates his compassion in a very emotional way. Paris is one of the more tragic of Bond's women because it is solely because of his actions that she is murdered. Wai Lin, on the other hand, is very much a Bond heroine in that she is completely independent, fearless and perfectly capable of defending herself. She is played with considerable charm by Michelle Yeoh, one of the Orient's biggest box-office sensations. She performs an amazing array of stunts for the film, has a quiet, unassuming demeanour and commands the screen in the action sequences she features in.

Again, Bond is provided with two women in The World Is Not Enough. Bond first encounters Christmas Jones, a Doctor of Atomic Physics, at a Kazakhstan test facility. Despite her intellectual prowess, Christmas - like most Bond girls - is quite resourceful, this time in the art of nuclear weapons, which proves pivotal. Although Denise Richards is really too young to realistically portray a nuclear weapons expert, she succeeds in avoiding the unintentional laughs one might have expected. Elektra King, on the other hand, is a highly sexual woman with a ruthless edge, and is the most intriguing female lead character to appear in a Bond film since Octopussy. Sophie Marceau plays the complicated role with admirable skill, managing to make Elektra alternately appealing and appalling.

Finally, Die Another Day has a very intentional homage to Ursula Andress' famous entrance as Honey in Dr. No, with Jinx rising Venus-like from the Caribbean, clad in a bikini very reminiscent of that worn by Ms. Andress forty years earlier. The impact is equally impressive. In the tradition of all Bond women, Jinx is sexually aggressive and uses Bond for her pleasure every bit as much as he uses her. Halle Berry radiates considerable chemistry with Pierce Brosnan, and the intensity of their love scenes provides a genuine air of eroticism that pushes the envelope back by Bond standards. Miranda Frost, meanwhile, lives up to her name and barely give Bond time to breath before turning on him. In the past, the results have been mixed when young actresses were cast in prominent roles in a Bond film. However, Rosamund Pike brings a sophistication and maturity to the role that makes her an alluring screen presence.

The women have undergone numerous changes throughout the years, from the independent women like Honey Ryder and Pussy Galore to the "stereotypical blond" like Stacey Sutton and Mary Goodnight. However as it started in Dr. No, this has come full circle with the current films offering more independent and authoritive women who are a match for 007 like Natalya Simonova and Wai Lin.

There are of course even some women who can meet 007 on his level and exceed it, like Xenia Onatopp and Jinx. Like many elements in the Bond films, the women are dependant on the changing times, trends and attitudes of current audiences with the producers hoping to stay on top of these complex patterns. One thing can be sure though, there will all ways be an abundance of beautiful, sexy, intelligent and gorgeous women who hold the title of "Bond Women" past, present and future.

Tweaking with the Site

2009-06-20T23:59:00.004+01:00

Just finished tweaking around with the site. Wasn't altogether happy about how small and cramped the central post section was, so I've increased the width of it and the title bar. I forget the exact figures, but it feels less like a default 'blog' and more like an actual 'site' now.

I'm not sure how this will work on different resolutions - I'm about to try it now. If anyone out there ever bothers visiting this site, bear with me.

EDIT: Ok, tweaked it a little more and I've found a good compromise, I think. Now not only does it look much better then it did before, but it'll actually fit on 1204x768 resolutions. So to all my family members who are too cheap to pick up a decent monitor - you're welcome.

Strong Bad's Cool Games for Attractive People (Review)

2009-06-20T19:38:00.006+01:00

Having started this site and re-reading my previous musings and such, I've felt inspired to write more. But I had no idea what to write about. So on that fabled forum of yesteryear, I started a new thread and basically said 'Tell me to Write a Game Review'. The idea was that people would give me a game, and I would go off and write a review about it. Some people took it seriously, some didn't, and some told me to review something that wasn't even out yet (and me forgetting that I was his beta tester for said game - oops!). The ones who did take it seriously, however, gave me some good suggestions. Here's the first one I finished.

Strong Bad's Cool Games for Attractive People

Before the games were announced, I hadn't visited HomestarRunner.Com for years. It had been a site I'd somehow stumbled upon during one of my ambles across the internet, and I'd very much enjoyed the cynical, zany and frequently random humour of Strong Bad's E-Mails. So while I wasn't all that familiar with the character, I knew roughly what I was letting myself in for when I bought the first episode, Homestar Ruiner.

Oddly enough, the game surpassed my expectations and surprised me with its flexibility. Controlling the title character of Strong Bad, the player has to travel around the fictional land of Free Country USA, in an attempt to achieve various goals depending on which episode you're playing. In one your main goal is simply to give another character a long overdue pummelling. In another you're trying to depose a corrupt King of Town (or just 'The of Town', as Strong Bad says he will call him from now on) after he enforces a new, totally unfair e-Mail tax. Another game has you trying to make an epic movie with a budget of mothballs. And so on.

One of the major factors of the games is the humour, and how it would translate to a series of flash cartoons to a fully fledged video game series. Fortunately the games are hilarious, with frequently random acts of violence, bizarre insults and ludicrous characters all helping to keep the entertainment value high. The zany sense of self-parody the game has helps to keep people going, just to see what the characters will say or do next.

The characters themselves are, for lack of a better word, morons. But lovable morons. Even Strong Bad himself, a strange Mexican wrestling mask-wearing bully, is shown to be a few marbles short of a happy meal. He may think he's the smartest and most handsome of the inhabitants of Free Country USA, but that's only because everyone else is so absurdly mad.

They're also pretty well characterised. These people (for lack of a better word) have existed for years in the cartoons of the original site, and their personalities, quirks, flaws and alter-egos are all used to good effect in this series. Strong Sad is a depressed resigned-to-his-fate punching bag for his brother, Marzipan is an eco-friendly pushover, Coach Z is an idiotic failure at everything he tries and The Cheat... well, he's The Cheat. What else can I say?

Graphically, the game is a bit of an oddball. While faithful to the cartoons, it also seems like a throwback to the early days of 3D gaming, with it's bright colourful palette and cell-shading techniques showing off the basic geometry that makes up Free Country USA. Then again, if Telltale Games had updated the graphics to anything else the fans wouldn't have liked it one bit, but there's a fine line between pleasing existing fans and drawing new ones in.

Which leads to the biggest problem with these games. It's that horrible cliché - 'it's for the fans'. As I am constantly reminded at the end of every Zero Punctuation video, fans are clinging, complaining dipshits* who will never, ever be grateful for any concession you make. In this case, by making a series of games for the fans, Telltale have made it solely for them. It's not something an average gamer is going to try, simply because they're not going to feel as welcome.

In fact, at times the series almost seems to works at driving away people who aren't familiar with the original website - Episode 4, 'Dangeresque 3', is a perfect example of this. While a very funny in-joke, referencing a long-standing project of Strong Bad's from the website, players new to the series will have no idea what's going on and, if anything, won't want to find out.Of course it's hard to imagine a series based on a popular website being anything else, but even so, maybe a little more effort could have gone into letting new players in on the joke, given just how funny that joke is in places.

The other problem is the randomness of some of the puzzles. While most of them are solvable, there's a couple that don't make a lot of sense, as I'm finding out due to a recent replay of the series. Fortunately the new Hint System, which has now become almost a standard in adventure games, does a lot to alleviate this and stop players running off to GameFAQs, but at times the sheer randomness of the puzzles defies logic. How on earth would you know to make Homestar use an onion as a performance enhancer? Even a fan of the series like me had no idea that would work.

Some of the requirements for the optional Awesomeness meter and hidden trophies are also completely random and make little to no sense, though given that they're entirely optional it's a little more forgiveable. But even so, I'd challenge anyone to max out their awesomeness rating without visiting the Telltale Games website and find out how. A little randomness in a game is welcome, but not to the point where it's impossible to get everything without cheating.

At the end of the day though, the main question is 'Are these games fun?', and the answer to that question is yes. If you're into silly, slightly dark and utterly random humour, then there's a lot to like about these games. And with the new SD card storage system, it's actually possible to download all five games onto your Wii without having to delete some of your other channels. So now's as good a time as any to give 'em a try.

*I think that's the first time I've actually sworn on this site. Surprised it took me so long, really.

Explaining the Combine (Article)

2009-06-19T19:28:00.002+01:00

In that forum of yore, someone asked a bunch of questions about Half-Life 2. I answered them in this exact manner, as there were a couple of posts before mine and I felt a reminder would be useful. There were also a few follow-up posts that went slightly off-topic which I'm including as well. Bear in mind that this was written before Episode 2 came out, and there was still some speculation as to what would appear in it. I don't know if there is any in this Q&A session, but just in case, I felt it necessary to warn you.

Half-Life 2 didn't have an ending. It just stopped.

You asked questions. Let's answer them as best as is humanly possible, and then let's insult everyone else for saying anything different. Y'know, like everyone always does on the interweb. Onward!

"What the hell are the Combine?" - For this, I shall summarize the blurb found upon Wikipedia's rather excellent page upon the subject. Sadly, it proves rock_nog slightly wrong, but I'm sure he doesn't mind. Not that I care.

The Combine is a vast empire spanning multiple parallel universes, which expands its empire by conquering and enslaving populated worlds. By genetically altering the most intelligent races, the Combine (Pronounced COM-bine, with the emphasis on the first part of the word) create advanced soldiers adapted for individual worlds, allowing for the easy destruction of rebellion factions.

Prior to conquering Earth, the Combine had previously tried to enslave the as-yet un-named race which human beings refer to as the Xen race. This race were defeated by the Combine on an entirely different world to Xen, but managed to flee to their final retreat - a dimensional transit bottleneck, or an area of continual contention. This area, which subsequently 'bled' into our dimension, was known as Xen.

Following the death of the supreme being of this race, known as Nihilanth, at the hands of Gordon Freeman, the Combine were able to use the massive portal storm to invade Earth. This resulted in what has since come to be known as the Seven Hour War. Dr Wallace Breen, the former administrator of the Black Mesa Research Facility, was able to negotiate a surrender on Earth's behalf, and as a result was appointed administrator of the Combine's forces on Earth – also known as the Overwatch.

"What the hell is going on in the background?" - I'm not sure what you mean by this one. If you mean the background of the game, then essentially Gordon Freeman, having 'arrived' in City 17 and subsequently going on to destroy countless Combine forces, inspires many of the City's remaining inhabitants to rise up against their oppressors, while the Combine try to track Freeman down and kill him.

"Who are the benefactors? Is this some implied other-dimensional stupid ass [s***]? Or Xenfags?" - The benefactors are the Combine. That's just what Dr Breen calls them. Interestingly, he only properly refers to them as 'The Combine' once, near the end of the game. There are a couple of theories behind this - either that's what he really thinks of them and can't be bothered to hide his feelings anymore, or it's just a slip of the tongue caused by the heat of the moment.

"Alright. So I didn't play ep1-3 or lost coast, but I might. Should I? Would it provide any additional story info? Is a sequel planned?" - Yes, you should. Just remember what they are - short. Lost Coast gives you nothing plot-wise, it's just a setting they cut out during development and then subsequently felt would be a good place to try out HDR lighting while giving fans a bit more HL2. Episodes I, II and III, once finished (only Episode I is currently out. Episode II's release date has slipped to around the end of the year. Don't even ask about Episode III), should reveal a whole lot more plot.

As for sequels, well. These HL2 Episodes as, essentially, Half-Life 3. Gabe Newell, uber-god regarding all things Half-Life, has admitted that a more correct title for these episodes should have been 'Half-Life 3: Episode One', etc, but whatever. A proper Half-Life 3 does seem likely, however nothing's been confirmed. There will be an Episode IV, but it'll be developed outside of Valve and will start a new story arc, so if there's going to be a proper sequel, chances are Valve will start work on it after Half-Life 2 Episode III - Not inspired by Star Wars.

"Not actually a question, but what the hell is up with that ending?" - It's not an ending. Half-Life 2 didn't have one. It just stopped. If you're referring to the boss, well... it's not really an end boss, is it?

If you play the original Max Payne, I think that's the perfect end-boss. Yes, there's a ruddy great chopper you have to take down. But do you kill it with continuous gunfire? No, you [dislodge an aerial mast and] swat it down. Challenging, but logical. Me likey. But in Half-Life 2, you don't really get a boss. A part of me actually likes that. 'This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper', as is said. You just have to stop Breen, which you do. Right?

As for Ep1, I've never liked destroying Striders or Gunships, because they fall back into the old 'shoot them until they fall down' category. Controlling the rockets is always fun (except when they keep getting shot down, grr), but it just feels sort-of routine. But that's just me, I guess.

The next episodes should be on a more epic scale. Ep1 was dealing with the fallout, Ep2 is escaping to the countryside and Ep3... well, I've no idea, but it's bound to be interesting. We're moving away from City17, so at the very least we'll get different locations, which'll be good.

-x-

No-one knows who the G-Man is. That's probably not even his name. There are theories, but nothing's been confirmed. I like the one that he's a member of an incredibly ancient race, older then the Combine, who seek their destruction, and who realizes that Gordon is the one who can do that. One thing is for certain - he is NOT Gordon from the future. Totally.

[As for where the name came from...] It's the filename of the model - gman.mdl - which is where the name came from. Some people thought it was short for 'Government Man', but the events of HL2 kinda disprove that. Truth is, we just don't know. And honestly, if we do find out, it'll spoil the magic. So I don't ever want to.

False News Stories (Article)

2009-06-19T19:05:00.002+01:00

Again from that close-knit forum I fondly remember from my youth, another member there had a habit of making new topic about an event from the news, and then just copy-pasting the story from a news website. She still does it, but not as often anymore. No-one minded - in fact it was a good way of starting a topic off - but I thought it might be entertaining to affectionatly parody this by starting a thread with blantantly fake news stories in them. I eneded up posting two such stories. Here they are.

Federal Government Forgets Katrina Anniversary
08-29-2007 12:59 PM

NEW ORLEANS (FNN 24/7) -- New Orleans marked the second anniversary of Hurricane Katrina Wednesday, though many residents of the Gulf Coast region felt slighted that no one from the federal government showed up as promised to acknowledge the occasion.

"I'm not sure if we should wait or just start without them," said resident Robyn Olds, on hand for a groundbreaking ceremony at a memorial for still-unidentified victims.

"Oh, shoot," said President Bush, when reminded of the anniversary. "That was today, wasn't it."

To make up for his absence, the president had someone call his cell phone - which he set to a chime ring to symbolize the sounds of bells tolling for the dead.

"Obviously, some mistakes were made," said government spokesman Aaron Walker. "We hope to learn from what happened today so that our response will be faster when future anniversaries occur."

-x-

London - The Pokemon fad was suddenly ended today when a crazed fan of the long-running series shot its creator, Satoshi Tajiri, 5 times at point blank range before being restrained by Tojiri's security detail.

Tojiri, a known recluse, was, according to the press release, enjoying a rare day out taking in the sights of London. Shortly after getting off the London Eye, he was approached by a male described as being in his mid 30s, blonde, wearing glasses, a backpack and a Pokemon t-shirt.

The fan apparently asked Tojiri a series of questions, which he answered in a polite manner. Several onlookers have described the two as having a seemingly friendly conversation, with the fan even telling a joke that Tojiri found extremely funny. It was shortly after this however, that the conversation took a turn for the worse.

Apparently disagreeing with a comment that Tojiri made, the fan pulled a handgun from the backpack and short Tojiri several times in the chest before Tojiri's security detail were able to subdue the man. They held him to the pavement for several minutes until an ambulance arrived, however when it did so, he managed to slip away in the confusion.

Tojiri is currently in hospital, his condition serious. The police have put out an APV on anyone matching the description of the man and wish to speak to anyone in the London area who has enjoyed any of the Pokemon series, be it film, TV show or game, within the last 6 months.

Modern Game Features You Can and Can't Live Without (Article)

2009-06-19T18:28:00.016+01:00

On that close-knit forum I talk about all the time, a thread appeared called 'Modern Game Features You Can't Live Without'. After posting in it, I decided to create a companion thread, entitled 'Modern Game Features You Can Live Without'. Surprisingly, it quickly killed off the first one, which wasn't my intention at all! Anyway, here's what I posted in both threads, separated by a rare dose of colour. Aren't you lucky.

Modern Game Features You Can't Live Without

- Saving. Whether it be a quick-save, an auto-save or just a limited amount of times you can save at all, saving mid-level has proven to be a lifesaver and something that's made playing games much more fun, especially when you're about to enter a tricky section.

- Graphics. This is an odd subject, because some of my favourite games are 2D platformers (Metroid), but for the most part, 3D graphics have come a long way and really help to immerse you in a game. To a point, anyway.

- Sound. Music has become a huge part of games these days, and it's easy to tell why. The right piece of music in the right place can really enhance the game. But it's not just the music - people speaking to you, weapons sparking off different surfaces, footsteps of the enemy... it all makes for a really impressive experience.

- Story-Telling. This has really come into its own in the last few years, around the time that Half-Life came out. It's all well and good having a basic plot, but once you're in the game, the world around you has a story to tell, and it's going to tell it. This is possibly the greatest advancement in the development of games we've had over the past 10 years.

- DVDs. More game for your buck.

- Sub-titles. I've found this to be an absolute lifesaver, especially if there's a lot going on audio-wise.

Modern Game Features You Can Live Without

- Death Animations. Call me old fashioned, but when people died, I liked it when they spun around in a pre-defined death spin. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing more satisfying then pinning someone to a wall with the crossbow in HL2, but when people die I expect a little more then to simply see them collapse in a heap on the floor. I liked to see them try, and fail, to get back up. Ragdoll physics has done a lot, but it still has a lot to answer for when it comes to killing the bad guys.

- Open-ended Gameplay. I blame Far Cry for this. When I'm playing an FPS, I like having one route to go. I like knowing 'I have to go there, there's only one way through, let's get cracking'. Having multiple choices scares and confuses me, and the plot will suffer because of it. One path, one plot, one point.

- Graphics. This is a two-edged sword. On the one hand, it's allowed incredibly immersive games like Half-Life 2. On the other, it means that everyone's always pushing the boundaries and making me upgrade my perfectly functional PC. Bastards. We've hit a good level of detail as it is, do we really need things to be even more photo-realistic? Really?

- Steam. Yes, thank you for forcing me to subscribe to your software and be online just so I can play your latest game*. Cheers for that.

- Episodic Gaming. Let's make sure every game developer out there hears this. Episodic gaming doesn't work with action titles**. It takes far too long to produce any kind of decent gameplay as it is without you trying to release stuff every six months or so. It's just not realistic. Are you listening Valve?

- Online Noobs. If I try to play online (rare as that may be), it's generally with someone I know, because otherwise you get stuck with irritating people who can't spell, 13-year old kids who won't stop whining, sore losers who always claim you cheated if you beat them and people who are just plain insulting.

- Old Games not working in Windows XP. I'm having this problem with Discworld II ATM - I've got it running in DosBox quite nicely, but unfortunately DW2 is a 2-disc game, so I'm gonna have trouble when it comes to that second disc. Bah!***

- Cease-and-Desists. This doesn't seem to happen a lot, but it's when big companies (I'm looking at you, Lucasarts)**** decide to shut down fan-games or mods by claiming illegal use of copyrighted characters. And it sucks.

- Pointless Sequels. If a game does well, it'll get a sequel. Whether it deserves one or not is irrelevant. For exmple, Red Faction sold faily well, despite it being woefully average, and got an equally 'meh' sequel, which we really could have done without.

- Girly Games. I'm all for games that appeal to both men and women - Nintendogs, Brain Training, etc, but when you make a game specifically for girls, it's going to feature a lot of pink, teenagers giggling and slang words. It will not feature any real gameplay at all, and therefore barely even qualifies as a game. If anything, they're an insult to the girls who actually DO play games.

- Cheats. This is, and I honestly believe this, what prevents a great deal of people from getting better at games. If things get too tough, it's not too hard to turn on God Mode, and it's surprising how many people will do that rather than actually adapting their strategy and improving their technique. I experienced it recently with this Half-Life mod, and if it weren't for the fact that I couldn't access the console, I would have God-modded my way through Xen. But I didn't. And I feel so much more accomplishment for having gotten through on my own.*****

- Big Head Mode. I mean, really. What. Is. The. Point.

- Console Colours. I want a black Wii, dammit. Why can't I buy one? Whatever happened to those multiple colours that Nintendo paraded around? Why do I have to spend an extra £20 for a coloured cover to replace the original one, probably breaking the warranty in the process? Bah!******

- Sports Licensing. It's not about better gameplay or fixing the problems with the previous iteration, it's about making it prettier, updating the stats and fleecing the sports fan out of their money again, only this time it's for 2008.*******

*And yes, I know that you only have to sign in the once, but that doesn't ignore the fact that you shouldn't have to sign in all, does it?
**It works brilliantly for adventure games though. Telltale games have really revolutionised the genre with their efforts, and they've produced some cracking games in the process. Very much looking forward to their take on the Monkey Island series!
***I did eventually get this working, and even posted a guide on how I did it on the Vogons forum. It uses DosBox, but don't worry - it does work, honest! If you're interested in seeing the guide for yourself, here it is.
****A more recent example of this is with Squeenix shutting down the fan hack, Chrono Trigger: Crimson Echoes. I still live in hope that the 98% complete version will be 'leaked'.
*****I later replayed that mod and found it much easier then I remember. Either my HL skills have improved or I really sucked during that first playthrough.
******As I mention, I got fed up of waiting for a black console and just ordered a black replacement cover, which has served me well ever since. It's only now, in June 2009, a mere two and a half years after the console first launched, that it's finally being officially released in a different colour. But only in Japan. Screw everyone else.
*******And 2009, and 2010, and...

Forming Images (Short Story)

2009-06-19T18:12:00.003+01:00

I'm going to let you read the story before I explain it. You'll understand why at the end.

Pain.
Pain and confusion.
What the hell had just happened?
She realised her eyes were closed, so she opened them. It made no difference - she still couldn't see anything.
The pain was still there. Where in God's name was it coming from?
Slowly she moved her hands up and down her body. There didn't seem to be anything out of the ordinary. So what was causing that dull ache in her head?
Her head.
Oh God, her head. Why was it hurting so much?
She felt around her face, then her hair. Somewhere round the back, there was something sticky.
Blood?
Hesitantly she moved the hand in front of her face and licked it.
No. Not blood. More bitter. Almost... oily?
Dimly she because aware that she could hear something. A sort of... humming. She recalled having heard it before, but couldn't place where from.
Recall? Why couldn't she recall?
The pain was still there. Why wouldn't it go away? What had caused it?
Slowly an image crept into her mind. She was running. Running down a dark alley.
Why would she be doing that?
Suddenly she was thrown to the left. A loud, screeching sound. Almost like... tires?
A car? Was she in a car?
More screeching. Then silence. What was going on?
Then, blindingly, there was light. Lost of it. She raised her hand to shield her eyes.
'Rebecca?'
She blinked. And there he was, looking down at her.
Rebecca. Was that her name?
'Yes.'
The face smiled. She did too. It was an infectious sort of smile.
'Hi there. My name's Daniel. I'm gonna get you out of here, ok?'
Arms reached down and cradled her. She didn't mind. Daniel seemed to know what he was doing.
She looked around as he lifted her out of the boot.
The car she'd been in had been blocked off by a police car. The officer who'd presumably been driving it was forcing a man over the car's bonnet.
Recognising the man as her somewhat violent ex, it all started to come together.
Daniel carried her past the officer, his face turning towards him as he did.
'I'm gonna take her to the hospital. Keys in the ignition?'
The officer looked up from cuffing the ex.
'Yeah. Don't scratch the paint!'
Daniel smiled. 'I won't. Thanks Dave, I owe you.'
He looked back at Rebecca.
'Come on. Let's get you checked out... and we'll see if we can get them to wash that oil out of your hair while we're at it.'
She smiled.
Everything was going to be all right.

From a later post in the forum this was taken from: 'The whole thing [is] kinda meant to be from the point of view of someone (Rebecca) with a concussion. Not sure if that came across or not. But yeah, Trev's* pretty much pointed out the things I didn't explicitly state.'

*Trevor is another poster who pointed out that in America, you people call it a TRUNK rather then a BOOT, and also explained what was happening in the story, which I've already mentioned.

Watching and Waiting (Short Story)

2009-06-19T18:04:00.004+01:00

Back in the day, I tried to liven up the close-knit forum I mentioned in a couple of earlier posts by hosting a couple of writing contests. I intended for it to be an ongoing feature, and to host a new one whenever things got a little dull. Lack of interest in the second contest killed that idea off, sadly. Still, I did end up writing a few entries myself, though as I was judging they were never in the running to win. It was certainly an interesting challenge though.

The first contest only had one rule - 500 words or less. I later relaxed this to a guideline rather then a cold hard cut-off, but I personally made sure to stay under the figure. This was my first output.

The rain had finally stopped, but the night was still freezing. Daniel wrapped his coat tighter and continued to wish he’d never taken this case. He’d been here three days now, and still no evidence that the woman’s husband was cheating on her. He checked his watch. 11:38. He smiled to himself as he turned back to watch the street.

It had sounded simple - watch the apartment that the client suspected her husband went to whenever he met with his bit on the side. But, as always, the reality was very different from what he’d imagined. Three days in a small room overlooking the street. He felt cheated in some way. As if his life were meant for more then just sitting in a cupboard, eating apples and having to go to the toilet in plastic bottles. That was the worst part, by far.

Suddenly, his mobile vibrated. Irritably, Daniel took off his gloves and reached inside his coat to find it. He knew what it was going to say, but he checked the text message he’d received anyway. Sure enough, it was from his client - ‘The eagle has left the nest’. Code for ‘my husband has gone to meet his floozy’, she had explained. Daniel sighed and left the mobile on the floor.

Minutes passed, and still nothing. Daniel reached for another apple. He didn’t really like apples that much, but they were all he’d had time to grab before coming here, again at the client’s insistence. He really was regretting taking the case. It was easily one of the most boring cases he’d taken since starting up the previous year. He’s accepted that not all his cases were going to be like the movies, but would one really have killed him?

As he continued to scan the streets, a black car pulled up, almost out of sight. It took a few moments, but eventually Daniel caught it. Sure enough, the man stepping out was the same one he’d been hired to watch. He reached over and grabbed his camera, turning it on as he did so. Pointing it at the man, he quickly took several shots of him walking up to a door, knocking on it, chatting to the woman who opened it and sneaking inside with her. Finally, the job was done.

Getting ready to leave, Daniel paused. There could be any number of reasons that the man had been going there. He resolved to check the building before turning him over - if the man was innocent, he realised, there’d be no end to the trouble that the pictures would cause.

Making his way to the street, Daniel walked over to the building in question and smiled when he saw the sign by the door. ‘Madame Desiree’s Massage Parlour’. That settled things. The pictures went to the client. Pulling out his mobile and calling a taxi, one question was settled in Daniel’s mind.

‘What do I do with three bottles of urine?’

Doctor Who - Evolution of the Daleks (Review)

2009-06-19T16:32:00.005+01:00

Another review outside of my normal writing style. I was quite experimental back in the day, wasn't I?

I haven't reviewed the new series* so far simply because I haven't had anything to say. I enjoyed the first three episodes, and I couldn't really think of anything to say except 'Yeah, they were pretty good'. And that's not really much of a post, is it? So I didn't post anything. Generally if I post stuff, it's because I didn't like stuff, and when I start complaining, you're gonna have a hard time stopping me.

The thing is, I don't watch much TV these days. It's pretty much our good Doctor and Heroes (Eccleston's finally appeared**, by the way. Yay!). Not much else on, really. I missed the beginning of the other shows that I would normally watch - ER, Rescue Me, Nip/Tuck, House - and I really can't be bothered to download them or whatever, so if those two shows aren't good, I get a bit upset. No worries with Heroes, since it's pretty much impossible for that to suck, so that just leaves Doctor Who, and as I've said, I've enjoyed it so far.

Then along came Evolution of the Daleks. And oh dear, the illusion was broken. See, I enjoyed the two-parter when I first watched it. I really did. Good ol' bit of fun, not really paying too much attention to detail, just sitting back and relaxing to a bit of late-afternoon/early-evening TV. But then I watched it again, both episodes, back to back. And my oh my, did the problems start appearing. Let's review, shall we? And since I don't have a set reviewing pattern***, let's have some fun. Note that I'm reviewing both episodes here, since they're one story. Hey, it's my review, I'll do what I want.

The Good

The Effects. Absolutely amazing. I'm going on a 3-day holiday to New York with my family next week, and if the views aren't as good as they were in the show, I'm going to be disappointed****. Beautiful. The Mill should be bloody proud of themselves, because they've completely outdone themselves once again.
The Actors. I know some of you didn't like the exaggerated 'New Yoik' accents, but I did, so shush. Most of the secondary characters were good, especially Solomon, which made his death quite poignant. The guy who took over from Solomon, Frank (thanks Wikipedia), was also pretty good, as was Mr Diagoras, who became this season's must-have Halloween mask. Tallulah wasn't fantastic, but she wasn't as bad as she could have been. The other, minor characters were also pretty good, considering the small parts they had.
The Regulars. Freema was, as has become standard, excellent, and far, far better then I ever thought Billie Piper was with Mr Tennant. (I don't think I've explained this here, so I'll quickly do it now. Billie and Chris - Father and Daughter. Billie and David - High school friends. One is quite touching, the other's just annoying. Guess which is which) David, on the other hand, was only good in the first half, but that half was very nice. I also liked how he rambled on in the beginning of Evolution - that's the sort of acting I like to see from him.
The Plot. Again, only applicable to the first half, which is just setting up the Jenga pieces, ready for them all to fall down. It did a good job of it, drew us in, made us want to know what was going on, etc.
The Musical Number. How many other shows could get away with having a song right in the middle of the action? I mean, really?
Dalek Sec. Yes, I liked him. He was an interesting way forward for the Daleks. I certainly wouldn't have imagined it happening - I shudder to think what else is going on in RTD's mind. Seriously. But the make-up wasn't that bad, and having managed to avoid being properly spoiled by the Radio Times, it came as a bit of a surprise when it happened. Alas, poor Sec, you had such great plans...

The Bad

That Football Goal. Every time I watch Daleks in Manhattan now, I'm going to see those. Thanks a freaking bunch, Stuart*****.
The Daleks. I seem to recall, way back in the Eccleston era, that the Doctor was bricking himself over just one Dalek getting loose, because it would destroy an entire city, maybe even the state. So here we've got not one but FOUR Daleks, who've been running around Earth for months before the Doctor even arrives, and what are they doing? They're building a freakin' skyscraper. What the hell is up with that? You're Daleks! You don't need pig slaves! You don't need Gamma radiation! You're freakin' Daleks! Go forth and exterminate!
The Doctor. In part deux, he reverts to shouting. Dammit, the man cannot do loud terror, have they not learned that by now? Hell, he's doing it against Daleks, the masters of bloody great shouty threats! Understated menace he can do very well, we've all seen it. Why does he feel the need to yell at everything that pisses him off? Also, not even singed from the lightning? Hell, I'd have settled for a little bit of smoke coming up from his hair in a slightly comedic manner, but not even that?
The Pig Slaves. Seriously, where did the pig element come from? If you can get past the sheer idiocy of the Daleks in not immediately killing everyone, I can understand them wanting slaves, but where the hell did the pig part come from? Were there any pigs in Manhattan at the time?

The Stupid

Laszlo. Who... why... what... was the point? How the hell did he escape, and why weren't they looking for him? if they were, they never said so, and when he rejoined the group there was nary an eyebrow raised... hell, there weren't even any eyebrows TO raise. Why did the Doctor save him? He's a freakin' pig man! What's he gonna do, start a bakery? How will him and Tallulah work? I wouldn't imagine a pig's trouser snake would be very big... is she really gonna stay with him once she finds that out? And why the hell didn't Tallulah recognize him in the sewer when it was clearly him? Was she deaf as well as dumb?
'Urge to kill... too... strong...' No excuse. Absolutely none whatsoever.
The Emergency Temporal Shift. Weak. So, so weak. I suppose Dalek Caan may have drawn the needed power from the remnants of the lightning strike, but even so... Weak.

In conclusion: Fun when drunk, but painful when sober. For god's sake, even the script editor needs a script editor sometimes. Better yet, grab some of us as unofficial assistants, we'll help you sort out most of the problems. God knows we'd be glad to help out if this is the sort of thing that'll happen without us...

The Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about Evolution of the Daleks: Contrary to popular belief, Ryan Carnes, who played Laszlo, actually needed make up to look human, rather then a pig-man.

*Series 3. Or 29, depending on how you look at it.
**This happened in the second half of the first series. I thought he was really good in it.
***I lied here - I did have a set review pattern. It just wasn't a very good one.
****Thankfully, they were stunning. It's a beautiful city from up high. Not so much from ground level - it feels more like a really big maze.
*****I'll quickly explain here, since the post that I originally linked to doesn't exist any more. In one of the early shots of The Doctor and Martha meeting Solomon, you can see a set of modern football goalposts in the background. There was a picture of this in the post linked, and I was referring to the guy who showed it to us via his review of the episode.

Doctor Who - The Curse of Fenric (Review)

2009-06-19T14:38:00.005+01:00

Another day (well, the same day, technically), another article. This was a review of The Curse of Fenric, and I was trying a different reviewing style with this - rather then watch the whole thing then write my feelings about what I'd just seen, I decided to jot down comments about what I was watching at the time, and then tidy it up and add a small bit at the end to sum up my feelings. So for the most part it's more of a summary then a review, but reading it again it actually holds up pretty well, doesn't it?

I sat down on Tuesday to review as I normally do - watch one episode a day and then review it at the weekend once I'd had time to process it. But something happened. I sat down to watch the first episode, and two hours later got up and wanted to watch it all again. And that never happens with classic series stories. Ever.

So what I did was watch it all again today, with a clipboard, pen and paper and jotted down notes as I went along. The end result is less along the lines of what I would normally write, but it should feel somewhat familiar to the rest of you. Good thing? I'd like to think so. Let's find out, shall we?

Bear in mind that I couldn't afford the DVD, so these are the episodes as transmitted. I'm sure they'll be even better in the collected version, and I'll find out for myself when I get the money, but for the moment I'll have to take it on faith. Not that it mattered, I fully enjoyed what I had anyway. Also I apologise for any spelling errors that you may spot*, but I was rather rushing to get this done before Torchwood started and didn't really have time to spell-check the entire document. Still, who cares about the occasional typo when you've got moderately funny humour abound, eh?

Part I

The story starts well enough - I enjoyed the intro, which at the very least tried something different, rather then just being an adaptation of what had gone before for a new Doctor. And I thought the music was funky. I seem to remember it from my childhood, which is always good. Anyway! The story starts proper with a low budget invasion of Normandy, only for that theory to be blown away as we're show the long awaited return of the Loch-Ness Monster! Huzzah! And then the Russians land and something's clearly gone wrong. Which always happens in these things.

The TARDIS appears and Ace, who appears to have Chewing Gum stuck in her hair, emerges in full period dress. And her 'leather' coat. Hmm. That said, she does have a fair point about just strolling into a top-secret military base. Where are all the boys in brass and so forth? ...oh, there they are. Surrounded by big... okay, tough... all right, weedish soldiers wielding big powerful guns, the Doctor launches straight into a bluff that whizzes right past their heads and leaves them reeling. Then he goes and forges his own authorisation papers. The felonies are building up - Breaking and Entering, Forgery, Impersonating a senior member of staff...

Meanwhile the Russians, who have conveniently decided to speak in English (and good thing too, I'm watching this story, not reading it) decide to set up camp on the beach, where they'll get sand in their tent and start grumbling about how it's too windy to build decent sandcastles. Still, those are their orders and they're going to obey them, stupid as they may be. And while one of the guards is on patrol, he finds something. Is it a winning lottery ticket? Plane tickets to Florida? A classic issue of Playboy? No, it's just their orders. Fun. Suddenly someone places a green filter over the lens, plays some menacing music and the poor fellow screams (which, amazingly, nobody hears) and gets all the blood drained from him. I would LOVE to know how they drain the blood from someone is such a short space of time, but I guess that's a much a mystery as why Chantelle hasn't been shot yet. Irritating bitch.

I'd like to take a few seconds here to point out a glaring error that was brought to my attention thanks to my mother being curator of a museum doing an exhibition on World War 2
last year. This is for you, Mum! When Ace meets the two future victims-to-be, she says they should meet at Maiden's Point, which is handily signposted. But during the war, they took down all signposts in case German troops landed in the country - that way the soldiers wouldn't know where they were or which way to go. So that's a bit of an 'Oops' mistake right there.

Back on track, we're introduced to the Commander of the base, or Herr Obermann, as he prefers to be known. And we're also introduced to the Reverend something-or-other, who goes on about a curse. Evil was 'ere BC 2000, or some such. Another query, if I may - shouldn't the TARDIS be translating the runes? Silly me, of course not - that'd ruin the plot. Anyway, the man the Doctor's apparently here to see, Judson, is bossed about by his carer who I've no doubt will end up dead before the day is done, and I come up with a few smutty innuendos.

The two future corpses Ace met go for a swim - they'll be sucked down under in no time (Fwar) AND a Russian prays that, once they're out of the water, he won't have to fire at them with his big gun. Well, you wouldn't want to be shooting blanks at two fairly pretty young ladies now, would you? (Clean up on Aisle 4!)

Moving on. Ace meets one of the ladies who listens for German communications and finds out she has a baby called Audrey - a name she detests. Can't blame her there, I've never liked the name. But apparently it was the name of her mother. Hmm. Taking shelter, her and the Doctor take a look at the cliffs were Ace hung out with the two cadavers-in-waiting, and the pair find a dead Russian. And a lot of live ones. Pointing guns at them. A cliffhanger at a cliff? genius!

Part Second

The Russians decide not to shoot the Doctor since the episode is going out pre-watershed. Meanwhile, the Commander and Judsen have translated the runes and are reading them out loud, for some god only knows reason. This will lead to very bad things, of that you can be sure.

Moving on a bit, because there's a few minutes that I can't make fun of, the Reverend makes a lovely speech to a completely empty church while the Doctor and Ace explore the runes further and discover that some new one have appeared. Only they aren't new. Which is a bit of a confuser, really. Finding a secret chamber leads them to the Commander, who has been stockpiling green slime. Surely we've already reviewed a story about Green Slime? No? Oh well. He's got lots of it. Lots and lots and lots of it. An when he demonstrates that only a few drops can kill a room full of birds, his brilliant plan to rid the beaches of seagulls is revealed. What a nice man he is.

Back at the beach, the two girls run headlong into the water again, not a care in the world, and as the fog machine goes into overdrive, they're killed faster then you can click your fingers and say 'Just like that'. When they return, trying to seduce a Russian soldier in the most twisted seduction I've seen since Gigli, their hair appears to have been through the wrangler. Should have used Herbal Essences, methinks.

Moving on from soldiers to men of the cloth, they make their move on the Reverend, who reveals that they are now, in fact, vampires. Which just doesn't make sense, because everybody knows vampires have immaculate hair. And, once again, the holy water/cross/bible legend is shattered. How many times are we going to have to be told that they don't work? The Reverend is saved, amazingly, by the Doctor, who barges in and tells the vamps firmly, yet politely, to leave. And they do! It's a wonder he doesn't try this approach more often.

Suddenly, the team realise that they;ve got to stop Judsen from translating the new runes that have appeared, since it's resurrecting all the old pop groups of yore who have faded into obscurity. But no! They're too late! And since the producers of the show have run out of time, they just decide to make that the cliffhanger. Classic stuff, really.

Parte the Third

The Doctor convinces the Commander of the danger and tries to get re-enforcement sent in, but the Commander's quite stupidly had the radios 'disabled'. Which must have been fun for Perkins, who did the honours with a ruddy great axe. Meanwhile, we're told that the revived pop bands are what human beings eventually evolve into. So how come Cassandra isn't a blood-sucking leach... oh. Right.

Returning to make sure baby Audrey's all right, she assumes Aubrey's mother is a single mum. Sadly, we'll have to wait about 20 years for that story to be told, but then that said... with a husband in the war, surely it's only a matter of time, right? And on the other side of the base, McCoy shows his true colours by playing the clown. Which is always funny.

Flash forward to a seemingly pointless return to the church and there's water seeping in. Oh dear, that can only mean one thing. Attack of the Undead! There's a good movie in the waiting for you. Running up the top of the church, Ace reveals a ladder, which is what all the cool kids are carrying around in those days, apparently. Alas, she climbs down straight into the arms of some waiting monsters. Don't stuggle Ace, all they want is a cuddle! Oh, and to drain all the blood out of you, but that's a given, right? Good news, however - the Russians arrive and promptly blow the budget away with their bullets. Huzzah. Back inside the church, the Doctor chants the words to Pertwee's eternal classic I Am The Doctor, prompting a hideous response from the vampires as their brains remember the naffness of the record.

The head Russian holds he creatures at bay with his Abba fan club badge, representing his undying faith that the group will reunite one of these days. After grabbing his men, he returns - just to talk, of course. But the Commander is having none of it and locks him up for the sheer hell of it. Nice chap.

And low and behold, I was right. Single mother ahoy. Now's your chance, fellas!

Outside of this, Ace finally decides to challenge the Doctor and he responds with a wonderful piece of nonsense that puts Ace off ever asking anything of him ever again, which is a blessing I think all Doctors could do with. And then, quite out of the blue, Ace comes up with the most bizarre chat-up technique since... well, Part 2. I'm tempted to try them out myself next time I go down the pub.

Back on something a little more sane, the creatures are making short work of both the door holding them back and the Reverend, marking the beginning of the Great Extras Slaughter of '42 which lasted a whole 40-odd minutes and which is barely known outside of the BBC. We bow our heads in remembrance of the fine extras who fell in the line of budget cuts. May they rest in peace(s).

Judsen has recovered the container of the main villain of the piece - apparently Evil needs a body. Try telling that to Cassandra. But once again the Doctor is too late. The Commander is spewing text like Shakespeare reborn and the crippled Judsen is crippled no more! Although he is now host to an evil from the dawn of time, but still - nice to be up and about again, isn't it?

Part Goes Fourth (that one doesn't work so well, does it?)

And we're straight into the backstory, although it doesn't last long as Fenric shatters windows with nary but a hand gesture and goes to greet his minion(s). Bet they were surprised to meet their maker, hmm? Meanwhile the Doctor and Co. (Another spin-off for you, RTD!) almost get shot before being rescued, while that nice old Commander goes completely fruit-loopy.

Fenric orders the fetching of The Ancient One, which is a bit of a misnomer, seeing as he's from the far future and probably not very old at all. But it's an impressive title all the same, and I doubt he's pushing very hard to get it changed. Fenric, however, is revealed to have a weakness for Chess - well, who doesn't? - and the Doctor arranges to find a set so he can beat the evil bastard once again. As he waits for the Doctor to set it up, Fenric starts eulogising about the good old days. Unfortunately he'll be waiting for a while, as former nice guy the Commander has rigged his chess set to blow up, but luck be with them, Ace remembers where she saw another set, so off they go.

On the outside, the Russians are being killed left, right and centre, and the last two decide to go blow up the deciphering machine which started the whole mess. A wee bit too late, but then that's Russia for you. Back on the inside, the Commander, who really was a nice guy once, honestly, realises that his great chemical weapon will be used to wipe the earth clean, which begs the question - why the bloody hell does he have so much? Overkill much?

Ace gets back to flirting with a Russian soldier, ensuring his demise in the process, while the Great Extra Massacre continues in full swing. Once she's convinced the man to part with his beloved Abba Fan Club badge, she has a sudden pang of conscience and decides to go back and help Audrey's mother escape with her baby. The other Russian, meanwhile, tries to destroy the machine, only to get a bullet in the chest courtesy of the Commander, who, let's be honest here, may well have been a nice guy once, but by now has completely lost his marbles. The Doctor, having FINALLY found a chess set, sets the game up once more.

Fortunately for the few survivors at this point, Fenric's superiority complex rises to the fore and he has all the other creatures killed by the Ancient One in a stunning display of disintegration. Then, realising he'll never score any chicks in Judson's body, he leaps into the Russian's. Not knowing this, Ace reveals the solution to the Doctor's puzzle to him, and with nothing standing in his way, he starts laughing in the manner that maniacal villains often do and reveals that everybody was little more then a pawn - Ace included. In a stunning display of twisting someone's words to mean something completely different, the Doctor convinces the Ancient One that Fenric wouldn't do him a single favour one the Earth was his and so gets him to sacrifice itself to take out ol' Fenric.

On the side, the Commander, completely ga-ga and, not just a portion of fries, but also a burger and a carbonated beverage short of a happy meal, finally gets his comeuppance as the surviving Russian (the one he shot, remember - I never said he was dead) teams up with a British soldier and shoots the big guy dead. An eye for an eye, and all the rest. Ace learns that is was in fact her mother and grandmother she helped to escape, and wanting to rid herself of the whole horrid experience, washes all the terror away with a swim. Lovely.

...So there we are. Different, but somewhat enjoyable. Anyway, I thought this was a great story and I WILL watch this one again - I'd love to see the extended edition. Hope I haven't bored you guys with this long 'un!

The Bumper Book of Made Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about The Curse of Fenric: Ace's original seduction speech was to have been the much more simple "Fancy a quickie round the back of the bike shed?", but unfortunately the side-plot that would have developed from this, involving a rock to the back of the head, the cutting up of the body and the burial of the pieces, would have required an extra two days filming which the budget simply wouldn't allow for.

*I've a tad more time these days (not to mention Firefox and its built-in spell checker), so the typos and poor grammar are now fixed. You're welcome.

David Tennant as The Doctor (Article)

2009-06-19T14:19:00.004+01:00

I wrote a fair number of reviews for Behind the Sofa, most of which, looking back, weren't as good as they could have been. And were surprisingly short. I had a habit of writing short stuff back then - presumably as I got bored and couldn't be bothered to keep going. How professional of me.

As a result, I'm not going to be showcasing everything from there. Some of those articles can stay buried, as far as I'm concerned. There were a couple, however, that think deserve a second airing. This one, looking at the relationship that The Doctor developed with Rose in both his incarnations, was based upon a discussion I had with someone from Outpost Gallifrey, and also included a sort-of review of Fear Her, an episode from David Tennant's first full series as The Doctor.

I could find the original posts if I really wanted to, but given that the forum's closing down soon, I won't bother.

People these days need a bit more than just a monster. A show needs more depth then that, and having the human element can give it a new edge, one which the mainstream public can identify with. RTD himself has said 'If there's planet X with monster Y, then I'm not interested. But put a human colony on planet X, and suddenly I'm interested', or something similar. He has a point. In a similar style most, if not all, programmes these days have story arcs. It keeps people interested and in a way it rewards them for watching by having a blazing conclusion. Doctor Who had an arc in the first series which paid off in 'The Parting of the Ways' (well I thought it did), and it has another one this series which will pay off in 'Doomsday'. And while I agree that at times that arc (occasionally) seems crowbar'd into the episodes, it doesn't make the rest of the story any less great. If you look at them as individual stories, they do stand up well. The writers aren't writing themselves into a corner, because there is no corner to write themselves into. That's the beauty of Doctor Who - you can do almost anything.

Sadly, some of the science (there's a scientific explanation behind all magic! ) from the first series has been lost in this second one. It's hard to say why exactly, but I personally think it has something to do with the main characters. Eccleston had a hard shell, if that makes sense. He was a lot tougher, more of a loner. And Billie, essentially, drew him out of that shell, almost made him into the father she'd lost. There was good chemistry with that relationship, and I enjoyed the series a lot because of it.

We don't have that chemistry with Tennant. He's not a loner, he has no shell, he's just a happy-go-lucky guy with few cares in the world who's out for a laugh. That doesn't make him bad, but it does make him a mate to Rose rather than a fatherly substitute. And when you have two friends who think they're invincible, they can get very, very irritating. I didn't notice it at first, but as the series went on, their smugness became more and more apparent.

The first time I really noticed it was in 'Rise of the Cybermen', when the Doctor & Rose got into the Tyler house working in the kitchen. Rose says some very bitchy things ("or maybe she's just a little bit thick") and that's really when it first hit me. I started noticing it a lot more when I re-watched the episodes after that, but since that point in RotC, it hit me that the two were really starting to irritate me. They ticked me off during 'Tooth & Claw' ("Where the hell have you been?" is NOT what I would yell at that point), during 'The Idiot's Lantern', at the beginning of 'The Impossible Planet' (not so much during the rest of the story, which I think is the strongest of the series), whenever we saw them in 'Love & Monsters' and throughout 'Fear Her', which is my biggest flaw with the episode. Truth be told, the episodes that work best are when the two are split up - 'The Girl in the Fireplace' and 'The Satan Pit', but they also have another reason for being great.

I'm going to pick on 'Love & Monsters' for a moment, if you don't mind, because I enjoyed that episode. For the first 32 minutes. Watch it again (if you can) and you'll see where it all falls apart, but for that first half-hour, things are good. Why? Because the story is focused on a person who isn't having a laugh. Elton is a real person, who has real feelings. He shares them with us, whether it be by telling us or through the quality of the actor's performance.

Hard as it may be, I can't really think of many times we get that with the Doctor or Rose this series. We got a couple with the Doctor while he's in the caves, and later climbing down the pit, during 'The Satan Pit' (as I call the 2-parter), and they were great. We also had a few in 'Girl in the Fireplace' (it's a really touching moment when he reads that letter), but sadly that's about it. And we had them all the time in the first series. That, I guess, was the magic of the first series that simply isn't there in the second. We've lost the emotional connection with the characters.

I mostly enjoyed 'Fear Her', although I will admit it wasn't perfect. You only need to read the other reviews her to see what other people thought of it. Hopefully that ridiculous air of smugness that's been surrounding the lead characters this series be addressed in the final episodes, but still... Anyway. Yes, 'Fear Her' - not perfect. But FAR from pathetic. There was no real monster, which was the whole point of the episode. It was all about one lost soul finding another, which is what the Doctor and Rose were when they first met, in a way. Eccleston was somewhat lost, and Rose was... well, struggling to find a meaning to it all. Then they found each other, and all was right. Until he turned into Tennant, and that connection was lost.

Here's hoping they can get something like that connection back in the third series

Doctor Who - An Unearthly Child (Review) v2

2009-06-19T01:10:00.003+01:00

This is the second review of An Unearthly Child, written over a couple of days in the second week of June, 2009. It's shorter, much more to the point and, crucially, is more of a review - I'd consider the first one a retrospective more then anything else. It's short because I was actively trying to keep it so - one of these days I'm going to get round to writing a guide to Doctor Who that includes all the audios, novels and comics, and I wrote this thinking that I could eventually use it for that. Some day.

In more recent times, Doctor Who hasn't even tried to hide its influences from other shows and big-name films. Back when the show first started though, this wasn't the case - there wasn't anything else like it on the air, either here or in the United States.

Which makes it all the more remarkable at just how good it is. Even in this day and age it remains a highly entertaining piece of television, which for something approaching its fiftieth birthday is one heck of an achievement.

The characterization is something to behold as well, especially considering what the show is now. The Doctor is amused yet above it all, Susan is caring yet impulsive, Ian is brave yet disbelieving and Barbara is humane yet terrified. Any of this sound familiar? It should, as these are all characteristics used in today's Doctor and companions. The regular cast, still settling into their roles, all put in an excellent performance.

If the adventure falls down, it's in the plot, which does suffer from a little repetition, along with some awkward dialogue from the cavemen. But it's nowhere near enough to drag the rest of the story down.

A great start to the show which boded well for the future.

Doctor Who - An Unearthly Child (Review) v1

2009-06-19T00:44:00.003+01:00

I've written two different reviews for the first serial of Doctor Who. This one, the first of the pair, was written years ago, and recently turned up when tidying the back room of the house. Given how long ago I wrote it I can't remember too much about it, but reading it back I think I wrote the majority of it after the first episode of the four comprising the adventure, and then just tacked on a bit at the end to take care of the other three.

I cleaned it up and posted it on my old site, then basically copy-pasted it on Behind the Sofa, a Doctor Who blog. I had a bunch of other reviews there, none of which I remember doing but I very much enjoyed reading again. After I post my other review of AUC, I'll include some of them here. They're old and rough, but enjoyable nonetheless.

Having had my first, and only, experience of Doctor Who with 'The Curse of Fatal Death' when I was about 10, I wasn't sure what to expect from the new series, except for something amazing. It's nice to know not everything on TV is a letdown, isn't it? And so, now a Doctor Who convert, I took it upon myself to track down the very first episodes of the original series. Now, a few months later, I've committed to reviewing them all*. Let's start at the beginning, hmm?

There's something of a child in all of us, so it's nice to have an adult to look up to. Especially a mysterious and magical one at that. He may have changed since, but nothing quite beats that first fantastic meeting. It's hard to imagine how people felt back in 1963 when this first aired, but my first thoughts, as I'm sure were the thoughts of many others, were "Strange."

That's probably the only word for it - Strange. Even now there doesn't seem to be all that much logic behind it. And by the end of the first episode things aren't all that clear. Which only makes us want to watch more, to find out what it's all about. The whole point I suppose, but even so. It's only when the Doctor finally appears that things begin to make sense, and even then it's still bizarre. "A thing that looks like a police box, standing in a junkyard. It can move anywhere in time and space?"

Yes, it can. And with the second episode comes understanding. It CAN move through time and space.And it has. We realise what's happened now, and we can enjoy the marvels that will come of it. But for now they're in the past - or are they? Cavemen trying to make fire. It could be our past, or another planet altogether. We're never told. (Unless you could the other title for the episodes, '100,000 BC'. Which I don't.) And yet it doesn't matter. Just as Ian comes to believe, so do we.

The rest of the episodes pass and we're off again. Somewhere new. Somewhere exciting. Somewhere... different. Which is what Doctor Who is. Different. there isn't another show like it. And that's part of what makes it great. The actors involved have, and I hope always will be, amazing, the scripts, although they've had their bad days, have mostly been good and the ideas have been boundless. I may not be a great fan of William Hartnell, but even I can appreciate what he did for the show, and even the world. I'd hate to imagine a universe without the Doctor.

The Bumper Book of Made-up Doctor Who Facts** has this to say about An Unearthly Child: During the last episode of this serial, when William Hartnell had had one too many the night before with the production team, he was doubled for with the cunning use of a puppet made from latex skin and polystyrene hair. The team that made it went on to win critical acclaim for their work on Spitting Image.

*This didn't last.Well, it did, but only for a week or two.
**This was a feature pretty much every reviewer at the site did. They were planning on actually getting that book published - wonder what ever happened to that? Still, I had fun coming up with utterly random ideas, so at least it served some purpose.

LucasArts Remakes (Article)

2009-06-18T22:51:00.000+01:00

Again, I wrote this in the past, though this was on the same morning I read the news it was inspired by, Thursday June the 18th. I also originally posted it somewhere else - the same close-knit forum as my Indy Wii review, and then the Escapist forums. It's yet to receive any feedback on the former, but on the latter, it was a nice way of kicking of a discussion of 'I want a remake or XYZ', before leading on to 'I like space sims' via talk of a Tie Fighter remake. Presumably these people have never heard of the Win 95 versions of the X-Wing games, which I really should remind them about.

So LucasArts wants to remake more classic games. In more ways then one it's a very surprising statement, especially from a company that's become more well known with simply exploiting a franchise to death, but at the same time it's a very welcome one, for several notable reasons.

Firstly, it's rare for any company to openly admit that that wants to remake old games. It makes sense from a business point of view - remakes have done very well indeed in TV, Movies and Music, and the justification to actually recreate an older title is even more applicable when it comes to Video Games, with their older graphics and lack of decent sound effects failing to hold up to the latest whiz-bang shooters. It's just that most companies only tend to remake one or two titles, rather then want to do a whole series, and even then it's just porting it to a handheld console or a digital download.

The obvious exception to this is, of course, Squeenix (aka Square Enix), who are almost as well known for their constant ports and remakes as their newer titles, and it's surprising how many similarities there are between the LucasArts of old and the Squeenix of today. Both have a habit of exploiting their best known franchise, they both plough on with their own agenda, and they both seem determined to make money rather then than something for the fans. This doesn't seem to be as applicable to LucasArts these days, but Squeenix are as guilty of it now as they've been for years - Advent Children Complete is a perfect example of this.

Secondly, the statement came from LucasArts - a company that has spent most of the last 10 years churning out half-finished games based on a movie franchise that has since become massively less popular (prequel trilogy, I'm looking at you). Fortunately LucasArts seems to be learning from the (many) mistakes of the past and have started to become a company people might take an interest in.

Their last few games may have had problems but it was obvious that people had taken time and effort on them. The Thrillville games were strong titles published by the company, the Lego titles based on their franchises were uniformly excellent, The Force Unleashed was a new direction for the tried and tested Star Wars series and Indy's Staff of Kings was a flawed diamond*. The company now seems to actually care about the titles it makes and publishes, which can only be a good thing.

Third, it's actually a really good idea. And coming from LucasArts, that's probably the most surprising thing of all. Given the rise of ScummVM on almost every format under the sun, this is an excellent way of both combating the illegal downloading and use of its classic titles, but also to thank and reward people who remember those titles fondly.

It's also a great way to re-introduce the games to a new audience, who may have heard of the series but not had a chance to play them. Along with the new Monkey Island games being developed by TellTale (themselves ex-LucasArts employees) and the Fate of Atlantis Indy game unlockable in Staff of Kings, it's a great time to be a fan of the genre.

However, while we may all be getting our hopes up that this is the start of something good, it all hinges on one crucial thing - sales. LucasArts aren't just in this for the warm fuzzy feeling they'll get when their fans start respecting them again. They're still a business, and this is an enterprise. If this latest project doesn't make enough money, then they'll stop doing it, which, while frustrating, is just good business sense.

I, for one, will be picking up The Secret of Monkey Island: Special Edition , and I know many other people who will do the same. But the major problem when it comes to games like this is the feeling of 'Why should I pay for something I already bought ten years ago?' that pirates will no doubt claim to have. This shouldn't be a problem for the XBox version, but the PC one will undoubtedly be downloaded and copied by a significant portion of people who don't want to pay for what is, at heart, a graphical update of a game easily downloadable as abandonware.

It's not fair, it's not right and it's not something that should happen. But, sadly, it will. I just hope that it won't dampen the enthusiasm that LucasArts has for these games, or that it damages sales enough to make them abandon the prospect of other remakes. Because there's a wide range of adventure titles that LucasArts could, and hopefully will, remake - Day of the Tentacle, Full Throttle, Grim Fandango, Loom, the other Monkey Island games, Sam & Max Hit the Road and Zak McKracken. All of these would be welcomed and loved by an all-new generation of gamers.

All of whom fight like cows.

*Indy Wii is essentially a good game buried by two or three very poor decisions and a ill-conceived control system.

Indiana Jones and the Staff of Kings (Review)

2009-06-18T22:44:00.000+01:00

The following is a review for the latest Indiana Jones game, The Staff of Kings, which I recently got for the Wii. I originally wrote it on Tuesday, June the 16th, having playing the game for a few hours. I was a little bitter at the time, but I stand by what I've written - every time I've played it since, I've enjoyed and hated it in an almost 50/50 measure.

It was first posted in a small-knit forum I frequent, where it was positively received, then on The Escapist forums, where it was completely ignored. I don't mind as much as you may think - true genius is usually ignored at first.

So another Indiana Jones game has been released, hoping to yet again cash in on a once great series. Unlike that other Lucas-owned franchise though, Indy has a much better track record when it comes to games. Not that it'd be hard to - Star Wars has been whored out so much it's practically standing on street corners 'giving directions'.

But despite a proven track record, the man with the hat hasn't been doing so great these last couple of years. There was the film, which badly needed a decent editor to stand to one side and say 'No George - that'd just be silly'. And then there's the Staff of Kings, which was originally going to come out for PS3 and XBox360, but has ended up on the PSP, PS2 and Wii instead for some utterly unfathomable reason. I've only played the Wii version, and I can honestly say that the PS2 version is superior.

Let's get the giant elephant in the room out of the way first, if only so we can stop the furniture from smelling like fertilizer. The motion controls. When they're first introduced, it's in a platforming aspect - you hold down the B button and snap the remote forward to use your whip, for example, or hold the remote upward and use it as a control stick to fly a plane. These sort of examples actually work pretty well, because they're well defined and there's no real sense of being forced to learn it immediately or die a horrible, painful death.

However, after playing through about half of the first level, you're introduced to combat, and it's here that the motion controls stop being fun. When you're up against an enemy, you don't have time to stop and think 'Ok, I need to swing the remote from right to left to punch this guy in the manner I want'. Generally you're just swing the remote in the hopes that the game will do something useful. And even when you do try and do a specific move, half the time the game doesn't even register it properly and does a different one instead.

When you consider that the majority of the game is going to involve combat, this is a major failing. And it's even more frustrating when you're surrounded by enemies and you can't hit them properly without wildly swinging the remote and nunchuck while hoping for the best. It means that the game's hyped up motion control system is, at best, flawed, and at worst, just doesn't work.

Of course a game these days is nothing if it's not pretty, so I should also give a mention to the games Euphoria engine. Graphically, Staff of Kings is a little better then the last proper Indy game, Emperor's Tomb, though thankfully Indy doesn't have such broad shoulders this time around. The facial animation of Indy is much better then that game though, and he's able to convey a wide variety of emotions just by pulling different faces. This, coupled with the lighting system, the field of view techniques and the rest of the graphics, is definitely one of the games best features. It's not exactly deep, but it is very Indy, and the developers at least get props on that account, if nothing else.

The other aspects of the game, namely the gameplay, are also very enjoyable, combat excluded. Using your whip to swing over canyons, engaging in gunfights by poking out of cover and firing off quick shots, shooting at enemies from a speeding tram and riding an elephant (see, that earlier comment wasn't completely random) are all bizarrely fun, and there's a good amount of unlockable extras. The classic Fate of Atlantis in its entirety, new skins and concept art... There's a lot of good stuff in here, but whether you'll make it through the game to see all of it depends on whether you can cope with the poor controls and the other issues.

Of the two other major problems I had with Staff of Kings, one was a re-occurrence of a long standing irritation of mine, and nowhere is it more annoying then here. Unskippable cutscenes. Yes, this is a game where you will be replaying levels at least once, and you're forced to sit through the same cutscenes every time you do so. It's tiresome and gets old quickly, and I literally cannot see any reason to force people to watch them.

But even worse then those - unskippable tutorials. Yes, during the first couple of levels Indy will frequently pause the game to have an little chat with you about how the controls work. The first time you do this it's a nice way to show you how everything goes down in this little world, but the sheer number of times you have go through these little fireside chats borders on the ridiculous, and to make matters worse you can't skip these either. So if you happen to die during a level with these tutorials, or if you're replaying the level to get the glory moments you forgot to get first time round, you have to sit through the cutscenes and the tutorials. Every time.

And along with these major problems, there are minor niggles as well. Why is there no way to exit from the unlockable Fate of Atlantis without literally resetting the game? Why doesn't the map with the red line, almost as much a staple of Indy as his whip and fedora, appear when you head to a different country? Why is the voice actor for Henry Jones Senior (originally played by Sean Connery) so bad it's almost funny? Why does the game constantly show us how to perform the same move we've done a hundred times before, and why does it take up a third of the screen when it does so? Why is there no support for the classic controller, considering this is almost the exact same game as the PS2 version and it would make many of the problems I've mentioned vanish almost instantaneously?

As I mentioned earlier, there's a good game beneath all the poor design choices and issues, but I honestly can't summon the effort to dig it out. Might be best to leave this one buried, Doctor Jones.

New Blog (though I'll never call it that)

2009-06-18T22:39:00.001+01:00

Hey look, I've gone and created a site.

Well, I say 'site'. It's a blog. But I don't like that word. It implies that I'm going to update it with my thoughts and feelings every hour or so. Y'know, like every other teenager in the world.

No, this is a place for me to share my writing - articles, reviews, snippets from the book that I'm writing... that sort of thing. I may occasionally include random crap, but mostly it'll be stuff I'm happy for others to read. Unlike everyone else, who just type whatever they feel like and don't give a toss what others think. I have standards, thank you very much. They may not be high, but they're still standards, dammit!

Anyway. Whether you've stumbled here by chance or you've followed a link from one of the forums I frequent, I welcome you. Hopefully you'll enjoy your stay. And if you don't, then screw you.